Coming up for air

Whew, Hi all! Boy am I glad to see you! I got a little lost there for a few weeks- some by choice, and some not. I did have to take a time out and rethink a few things in private. My head got a little screwy there for a few.

Last I wrote, I had my first dose of CMF in me. Not bad at all really. Tiny bit of mouth sores, and my blood counts don't look too shabby. The worst of it has been my appetite. Food hasn't been on the top of my priority list, and food money has gotten super tight, which really doesn't help the cause. Figures, as the only thing that has really sounded good for the last 2 months is Taco Bell hard shell tacos. Why? I hate Taco Bell- that's not real Mexican food! Check this though- I still have all my hair. The "C" part of  the treatment should make it fall out. I think I am a month in, with 2 treatments under my belt...and no sign of hair falling out. I put on makeup last week, and was quite shocked to find such a lush set of lashes to put mascara on. It was a pleasant surprise.

I don't remember much of the beginning of the month. I had a pretty rough week that the highlight was hallucinating before I finally started getting better. I woke up 2 Mondays ago with what felt like a ginormous side ache. The Lortabs, nor the 2mg Dilaudids made it go away. Oh yes, and at this point in time- I did NOT know that one should not take Dilaudid and Lortabs together :) I haven't had a lot of pain medication instruction, as I just haven't needed much up till about now.

I made a doctor's appointment after about 4 hours of this pain. Doc had the nurses run labs and he came in to tell me that he was a little concerned that this was symptoms of a really low blood count. Which he thought might need to result in an over night hospital stay. Which made me kick and scream because I felt fine of course, other then the pain. Lucky for me, I was right again. My counts were not low. So my Onc now says the next thing is a CT, because the next guess is a blood clot. He gave me a blood thinning shot before I went over for the CT, as this is how sure he was. This is what the CT showed, a chemo induced blood clot on my left lung. Lovely. So he sent me home with Coumadine, and some shots. He asked me how my pain meds were, and I didn't know any better, so I told them they were fine. I guess I was just thinking I had enough to last until I saw him next. I was already loopy and somehow  it just never came up what I was taking.

So home I went. I had 1 functioning brain cell left that told me I should start writing down when and what I am taking for pain. Haha, I absolutely can't make heads or tails out of my notes now. I'm pretty sure that first Monday I took 2 Lortabs at 8:30, and still in pain an hour later. So I took 2 Dilaudids at 9:30. For some reason I had it stuck in my head that Dilaudid starts acting in about 10 minutes. Why? I don't know, except I'm guessing I was not told this. By 10 pm, I am still in a lot of pain. I had already called the on-call Onc. What I understood her say was either deal with what I have for pain meds, or I can go to the ER to go on an IV. I'm not sure what this was based on, unless it was based on how strong Dilaudids are. Anyway, by 10pm I asked my roomie to run me into the hospital. I did not want to be admitted, but the pain was that bad. I basically ended up spending almost 2 hours in there explaining what had transpired during the day. They didn't seem to know what to do either, other then they seemed to think that maybe I have built up a tolerance to pain meds. I left with a little bit better instruction. First, don't take both the pills together. Then, make sure I am taking it often enough. OK then. All I know is I am feeling stupid about now.

So home we went. I decided that the next best solution was propping myself up in bed with a big tv pillow. This works like a hospital bed, and took the pressure off of my side. Next thing is to set my alarm for every 3 hours. So I spent the next 4 days in bed, taking 4mg of Dilaudid every 3 hours. I still had to call my Onc again on Tuesday, because the pain was still so bad. The gist I got was that it is going to hurt until the clot dissolves pretty much. I knew at this point that sleeping my way through this was probably the best solution. So I did the best I could to do this. I was really whacked out by Friday. I think the nurse had to warn my not regular Onc that I was pretty loopy when he came in to check my labs. Somewhere along the way I drove myself to run errands, and got pulled over. I think he didn't want to deal with me, and he sent me home without a ticket. Somewhere along the way, either before or after this- I started hallucinating at home. It was bad. The thinner medicine must have worked though, as I started feeling better, and taking less pain meds over the weekend. Thankfully! That was a pretty scary mess, that I just didn't really realize. I do have a high pain threshold maybe, and this has made me realise that I need to be aware of this.

By the time I rolled back in to see him the next Monday, I was MUCH better. And feeling  much relieved to have a functioning brain left. We talked briefly about the pain meds. I don't know exactly what he asked me, but from my answer- he decided that it was probably time for some slow release pain meds that I take on schedule every day. I haven't liked this idea out the gate, and I have been afraid of this day coming. To me, it is just not a good sign of things to come. Plus, if I can ever beat this devil, I don't want to walk away with a pain pill addiction.

I agreed to go on some. I am a little bit bitchy about it, but I will get over it. It's just giving me a little bit of a mental beating, but it is growing on me. He put me on a slow release 30mg of morphine. I don't know much about pain pills, but I'm thinking that this is heavy duty pain killers. The part that is really freaking me out is this. To me it seems like when you take pain meds that you don't need, that it makes you high and loopy. My experience with taking them when you need them, well it seems like you feel pretty normal when you need them. This is what is bothering me...I feel pretty clearheaded and coherent, and I know I sound like this too. I feel like I didn't know that I needed them. I still have some pain in my shoulder, (which is the reason for the Dilaudid), but 1 Lortab then seems to fix the problem. I will get over it and used to it I guess.

Something tells me that I think it might be covering up some of the pain in my neck. Pain that is newer due to the growth of all my lymph nodes. Onc says that he doesn't think my mass has shrunk last Monday, but nor has  it grown. It might not be growing much, but I just don't think I can say the same about my lymph nodes. Every time I feel them up, they just seem like there is more, and or bigger. I gave him the 2 treatments like I said would. We'll see what it looks like in a couple more weeks before we make another decision.

So there you all are, all updated. I so wish I had some better news for you, other then my chin is still up and I feel soooooo much better then last week. I will leave you with a picture of my new bangles from a friend. They are Cookie Lee, and I just love them! I have never seen any like these.

Check in with doc

Went in for some afternoon labs today. We got an afternoon appointment, because it was just labs and a quick check in with my onc- since I'm not on chemo at the moment. I was quite happy to notice a little pep in my step as I was sitting down in a chair. A chair on the edge of the first bay, like I was ready to do a mad dash out of there. Which I was- for a moment. I don't know if it was because I wasn't getting chemo, or it wasn't 10am, or most likely- the chemo is finding it's way out of me again. Whatever, it was better and I carried on for awhile with the lady I plopped down next to.

She was on her fifth round, so she is pretty new still. Nice lady, easy to talk to and full of spunk. Plus, Nurse J headed over to take care of me today- you can't be sad around her! We were all caring on about how good we felt, and how we just wished it could be the same for everyone else. About that time, I realised the elder woman across the way was not doing so hot. First I feel like crap because I have been just carrying on and maybe not being so considerate of someone else, and then just helpless because I just couldn't see how to make her feel better.

The moment passed and she was shuffling around a bit in her chair, so I asked her if her ears were cold and she needed a hat. Poor thing already had on a jacket and 2 blankets. She was good without a hat, but she did allow me to come put her recliner back in an upright position for her. She was feeling much better now, and so I moved to a closer chair so I could hear her better. We talked for awhile while she finished up and I waited for my doc. She started shuffling again, and I went over and she let me get her shoes and slip them on her feet. She even let me take a couple of her juice cups and get them out of the way. Lots of times people don't need help, and it made my day that there was something I could do for her, even if it was so little. I believe she said that she had pancreatic cancer, and they had just buried her husband the week before. So strong, and so spirited. It made me tear for a moment, as I realised that this dreaded disease will probably take this lady out. There was no mention of it, just a little bit of her story. I had already seen her daughter come in and check on her, and leave again. I believe that her daughter has got her hands as about full as they get, from what her mom had shared with me. I got comfy in my chair for awhile longer, as I knew that I  wasn't leaving the chemo ward until I got in the elevator with this woman and her daughter.

That is exactly what happened. We chatted, and next thing we knew- her bag was empty. Her daughter couldn't have timed it any better by the time she arrived. My doc had already came and talked to me by this time, so off we went. I walked out and made sure that they got all settled in their van, before I made my way to my truck. It has been awhile since I have left chemo feeling so fulfilled. I love to visit in chemo, but most times I am chomping at the bit to get out of there after several hours. However on days when I am just in and out of the center- I do take my time and chat my way back out. It has been awhile since I sat with somebody, just to keep them company while waiting for their rides. I could tell that this lady really appreciated it, and so did her daughter. It made for a really nice afternoon.

Oh, you want to know what the doc said do you? Alright, I'll tell! Labs all looked good, and he gave me a report from last weeks labs, as we did run some different things. Vit D level looks good, and not to quit my D supplements. He ran test and I am definitely post menopausal (chemo induced). We knew this already, but now there is no second guessing. He did talk to the doctor in Billings, and between the 2 of them- they just really don't see the need for a second biopsy. He did agree with her that yes indeed, the
CMF regiment would be good to try. I'm not sure why we haven't done this one already- other then I think it might be a pretty old school drug that still has good success rates. I get the idea that normally a CMF treatment is done much earlier in the game then this. My Onc says it's not that hard of a chemo. I am game, as once again this regiment has it's own battle program that sounds different then the others. My Onc is still waiting for her notes to get sent over, so I'm not sure if I am expecting any more new ideas from the Billings Onc. However, I think Doc and I had another feel good visit today, so yay! Oh and, when I asked what would be reasonable to expect from the current hormone therapy- what I got was this. We can hope for shrinkage, but I don't think we should hold our breath. What we can hope for is no more growth, for it to at least hold steady for awhile while I take a break from chemo.

Oh and, the funny guy- said my tumor markers look, "normal" as his parting shot. I think he was happy that I laughed, and said I understood. Understood meant- he knew I was going to look at him asking what is "normal". Yes, I did refrain on purpose, as he was almost free of me. However, I might have a slightly better understanding of normal then he might think I do. Nah, probably not. My understanding is that tumor markers are based on individual levels of something in out blood. Meaning each person's markers are unique to their own system. Since that was the first reading, there will be nothing to compare it to, until today's labs were drawn. I know that wasn't everything that his look entailed, but I think I finally have an understanding of this much.

OK, enough for now. I'm happy to have gotten you all a timely update for once! Take care, and keep on keepin' on folks!

In the chemo chair for dose #2 of CDX-011

Hi all! Haven't been feeling very positive for a couple of days, and I'm not going to hide it today. Here's to hoping my Oncologist can help me put it in a better perspective when he visits me in a minute. However, I am not holding my breath. Hopefully I don't irritate him, but I already feel like I'm going to.

What am I feeling this moment in time? I am feeling alone, scared and tired. A little bit pissed off at my loved ones. Let me try and break it down here. I am feeling alone, and the alone and pissed off is getting all jumbled together. I know I'm not alone, yet I am so very alone in this. Ultimately it is up to me to deal with this. I have no right to be pissed off at the people who care about me. They are doing the best that they can, and that is all I should expect, and I have to accept this. No one around me knows how to make this any easier, and I can't tell them. I know what I think that I would do, but that is up to someone else to figure out. I've told my loved ones what I think I need, but I can't make them do any different. I'm tired of feeling like shit because I feel like I am pushing others to do something that they aren't ready to do. Tired of asking, hinting, complaining and whining. Bottom line is it is up to me to take care of me. There is no one else.

The bad part about it all is the thoughts are creeping in to not do chemo anymore. Hold up for a second- not saying I'm quitting...but the thoughts are there. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this turmoil. If it is going to be such a battle the rest of the way...what's the point? I'd like to think that someday I will have money in my pockets so I can take my room mate and her family out to dinner to say thank you. Or to throw a little get together for my pink ladies and my family to say thank you and I love you. To be able to just go out and eat something really yummy without fighting with myself over the other bill that I am neglecting. Hell, I'd be happy with just an extra $200 bucks a month. That would give me so much breathing room! I want to go dig for black opals in Nevada. I want to go sit and talk with my grandma face to face. Right now, I want to load my Hope in the truck and just drive and drive and drive and drive away from cancer. Except it doesn't really work that way...plus I think the farthest I have enough gas for is Billings or maybe the coast.

I am still fighting, but I am getting really scared. I now hate that I can feel my mass and lymph nodes. I used to like it because then I would know when they were shrinking. They aren't shrinking, and I know this. I can hope that the ones I can't feel are shrinking, but I doubt it. I just want peace and little worry for the remainder of my life. Doesn't seem so much to ask, but I know it is. My life has rarely ever been been truly peaceful and stress free. I am trying so hard to remain resilient and positive, but it is getting harder. It's hard on my physically, but not that bad yet. It is the mental stuff that will drive me crazy, but I already knew this. I do feel like if I can just hang on, I can beat it. Hanging on needs to be pleasant though. Why hang on if one is just miserable the whole time...put me out! Quitting and going out and finding a job is starting to sound better and better. At least I could afford my meds that make me not care so much about this fricken disease, and I could afford to eat the things that I enjoy. If chemo is just prolonging my life, I better be enjoying it. If I knew there was a cure a year away, that would be different. I don't know just makes me want to huck my phone against the wall. I don't want to hear I don't know anymore.

I am so blessed with my Hope. I love my family and friends, so please don't take this the wrong way. However, they are part of the I don't know. I need help, and I can't do this alone. However they just don't seem to know what to do. Neither do I, but I still keep doing anyway. I made a promise to my Hope to take care of her for a long time. I will do that. I'm not ready to die and have her go through the stress of a new home and family again. Not if I can help it. I made a promise to take care of her in the best way that I know how. She is my Hope. That meant calling someone that probably really didn't want my phone call and asking for money for her vet bill. Funny, I won't ask for myself, but I will ask for my dog. I will ask total strangers before I will ask my family for help again, or just go without. The way I felt after asking for $8 for hobo spider traps will not happen again.

I am alone by choice- because I left a bad situation that would eventually be the death of me. However, I don't want to be always alone. I do feel as if my close friends don't know this somehow. I guess I am wrong by thinking that maybe people should come visit me. Some people seem to think that it is up to me to come visit them. What isn't understood is that I am very limited on gas money and energy. I run pretty tight circles. This doesn't mean that I don't want company- it means I am broke and not traveling far, and not always feeling so hot. It does not mean that I don't want to visit with you, it means that I don't feel well or have gas to spare. Heck, I am happy for someone to come watch a movie with me, or a surprise visit to chemo. You see what happens when I don't have visits....my mind gos to sad and depressing places when left alone too much. Or pissy places, like I am at the moment. The more I think about this, the more pissy I am getting. I guess I just expect way too much out of people. I know how I THINK I would react, so isn't that just common sense? Isn't that the way we act when a loved one is in trouble? I guess not.

Please, please- if I get better, please let me retain and remember all these things! Please let me get better! I want my positive attitude back- the one where there is no doubt in my head about beating this, please bring it back!

2 years today battling cancer

And I'm still here! Really, I am...even though I took a little break from posting. I just really needed to calm myself for awhile. Trying to plan too far into the future, too many ideas on how to perfect things, caught up in too much drama still and tired of trying to force things to happen. This is the first day I have really felt like writing in awhile. Of course I want to fill you all in on what's really been going on....but I will get way too tired before I am done.

 So the important part I guess is a treatment update, and a mental update. Mentally, I am feeling much better. It still goes up and down of course, and certain people really like to yank my chain. I am getting better about not letting people mess with me so bad. Those people just flat out go on ignore now, until if and when I sense a major change. That's the kind of bad juju that will not allow me to heal. I've got enough on my plate without trying to deal with other people's issues. To be honest, I am also having more depressed thoughts about not being able to beat it then I have in the past. I've been doing this for 2 years, and it is getting old. I can't let my chemo cycles dictate this depression. It happens, but I hate it when I can feel that it is the chemo effects putting me in a tail spin, as then I feel that it is out of control.

I'm getting to this place where I am getting pretty accepting of my life as I know it right now. This spot is where I need to be to heal. I just have to let go of anything that causes me stress. Yard sake, screw the yard sale as I can't do what needs to be done alone. I tried to focus on Charmine's Hope, and start trying to generate some funds via the net and tshirt sales. That was too much. I have been focusing on chemo, riding my harley when I can, visiting friends & family and training Hope. That's it...nothing is more important then that. The last 6 weeks have been a blur, as I probably spent most of 4.5 weeks in bed. Just so tired from the Ixempra. So tired as it made my counts really low. In fact....I don't even want to talk about what is too much anymore. Let's talk about what I CAN do.

So I am celebrating my 2 year battle today. Celebrating sounds odd, but I am still alive and kicking. The activities of the week include- a week break from chemo, hiking the M, and hanging at the water park yesterday. BBQ tonight is next on the list!

I got lucky with a chemo break. The doctor's choice drug on the study I am on did not work. I had a CT after 2 treatments, and my friend the mass appears to be growing still. So on to the study drug. I better make a new chart to track this one again. I should have started on Monday, but my blood counts were too low. As tired as I was, I thought that might be the problem. So we will start CDX-011 on Monday. My clinical research lady thinks this might not be so hard as the last, but I am preparing myself that it might be. Good news is I will have another CT scan after 2 treatments again. Amazing how my energy started coming right back up immediately!

Hiking the "M"-

Mt. Sentinel
Mt. Sentinel is Missoula's mountain and the place to be for Missoula hiking. Marked with a large concrete “M,” it offers the easiest trail access and a moderately strenuous hike right in the heart of Missoula. The views of Missoula Valley can't be beat from the “M” or the summit.

Trailhead: Located right behind the University of Montana's football stadium on Campus Drive. Trailhead is well marked and offers a decent size parking lot.

• Distance-3/4 of a mile to the “M” or 1 and 3/4 of a mile to the summit. If you don't want to retrace your steps down the mountain, take the Crazy Canyon Trail into Pattee Canyon or the Hellgate Canyon Trail which links to the Kim Williams Trail taking you back into Missoula.
• Average Time of Hike- It takes about 20 minutes to reach the “M” and an hour to reach the summit, one way, depending on your fitness level.
• Elevation Gain-620 ft
• Difficulty- Due to the steepness of this trail it is mildly strenuous.
• Trail Type- Out and back trail with switchbacks.

I'm still in awe that we did it! I never thought I would have the desire to do it. We were actually looking at what we thought was an easier hike, until we were informed differently. Then we thought that we needed a longer hike, and were looking at various different ways to get to the M. By the time it was all said and done, our timing and route was just perfect. Anything else would have been too much...this was hard enough for not being in the greatest shape. Plus, we had Hope and Jess, the 9 year old. We got our view of the sunset on the M. Hope was ready to get off that hill by the time we were there. So ready, she started back down trying to drag me. Jess did great until she accidentally tried to roll down the concrete M. Luckily I was sitting below here and managed to stop her before Hope and I rolled with her! We are so proud of ourselves and are already talking about doing it again....but we were sure glad to be sitting in the truck again.

Then onto Splash yesterday. We were going to tube down the Clark Fork, but it quickly became easier to head to the water park. So much fun round and round on the Lazy River, and a couple trips down the slides with Jess. I have discovered that water makes feet with slight neuropathy feel normal again! I had a little girl float up to me to ask me if I was a boy. When I told her I had cancer, she almost got excited. I think she and her friend must have been talking about it, and she got this look like she guessed right. She must not have quite understood it all, because she had to come back and ask again. Hopefully if she ever has to deal with cancer, she will remember the nice bald lady who was having such a good day at the water park!

Tube train!

So there you have it. The only thing missing at the water park was a new left boob. Man, I would love to wear a "normal" bikini top again!

OK, I did it....finally posted another blog for you. Enough for now. I need to get up and move. Maybe a short putt is in my future today!

Is it the meds or me?

Hello all! Today is Wed. and I should be sitting in a chemo chair right now. I am not, as today was the only day to do any training with Carrie and Hope. So we have a training in about an hour, and I will go to chemo tomorrow. Yay, with my regular oncologist!

Not feeling to shabby today. My back is killing me. I can't imagine it is my new bed already, though it may be due to too much time in bed or not sitting right in the computer chair...or not doing enough exercise to stretch my back out. OK, it's not killing me either, but it doesn't feel nice. I don't usually need to take pain meds. I have taken a lot of Tylenol the last 4 days it seems. Seems to go hand in hand with when I get Gemzar now. That seems to have changed over the last couple of months. I don't feel entirely shitty, just not great. Just a little achy, chilly and off. Not like the Taxol made me feel though. It's just faint enough that it always makes me question- is it chemo or am I just being a baby? I hate that! Seems like I have done a lot of that through this journey- is it the meds, or is it me?

OK, change of plans! WRTT just called. Carrie was wanting to know how Hope is doing on her long leash. I think that she would be satisfied with our performance. So, I think that we just skipped a class. We won't meet Carrie today, but we will go to the ranch next week. There we will work more on our "leave its". Whoo-hoo for Hope!

Hope skips a class!

Yay for Hope! Hope is good, we all should have Hope, without Hope- there is darkness all around.

OK lets's see. We are behind a couple of days, so we better squeeze a mom update in here too. So I had my 15th dose of my current chemo on Wed- both Cispaltin and Gemzar. My Onc is still on vacation. I got excited for a minute, as substitute Onc read notes wrong and was scheduling me for a PET scan this coming week. I believe she scheduled it anyways, but had to come back to inform me notes said for the end of June. I'm looking at the calendar, sure more waiting but the end of the month is not that far. Highlight of chemo was realizing that I was 2 hours before I got hooked up. So I asked my nurse if she knew how to walk Hope pretty quickly, before she hooked me up. I told her what I knew about my friend walking her through the shortcut by radiation, instead of up the parking lot ramps. I could see the grass, just not sure how to get there. I thought it was just a courtyard! I picked her brain, and off I went. I was in my new usual parking spot in the Cancer Center parking in the garage. Into the elevator we went, and we got off on the radiation floor. My favorite receptionist saw me come in, and showed me the way...after greeting Hope, of course! She grabbed 2 magazines, for the 2 doors right around the corner. There we were on the backside of the hospital. Quick potty, and back in. Too cool, as long as we don't get in trouble. We can do this in 10 minutes. Soon enough, she won't be able to go wait for me during chemo, as it will be too warm. Now we know what the secret trick is, plus I can see her out the window if someone else takes her. So that's it, nothing exciting health wise. Feeling good, and not even very tired yet. Could have something to do with the sunshine?

We had another training session with Carrie yesterday. She met us near 13th and Shillinger again, to go visit the dogs. I think all we saw was the 5 bassets, and the lonely jack russell. In fact, we didn't make it very far down the street. Carrie said we just skipped a class, and we went back to the van for the 30 ft. lead!
A couple of posts ago I talked about walking Hope through there, and it was hard to treat her right...because she was doing so good with the dogs. Between what I told Carrie about that, and how Hope was acting...we just graduated. Good girl Hope, and good girl mom too!

So back off we went. I have discovered that I really not am as anal as some people would think. If so, there is no way in heck I could have let all that leash just drag around behind me! Letting it drag is just the easiest way, as long as you keep it away from cars. It's a bit tricky to get used to, but no big deal. We are now working off the 10' mark on the lead. We bumped it up a notch with our comes, which involves more waiting, and mom without treats in her hand initially. Took me a few to catch up with what Carrie was wanting us to do, but I think I got the jist. Hope is just so anxious for more treats, sometimes it seems hard to learn to do it the right way. Carrie doesn't seem to think so, she says we are right on track. With our "there's our friends", we have also bumped it up a notch with our "leave its" Now we do 1 "leave it", get past the dogs, and a second treat as a "good leave it". Now we are starting to work on not so much treating, as she isn't paying much mind to all the dogs in the hood.

So we parted ways for another week. Hope and I went off to The Trailhead to purchase 33' of climbing rope stuff. We were quite happy- $14.85 for material, $1.79 for clip....and mom gets to sew. An hour later, here is our new 30' lead!

Carrie will be so happy to hear that I made the lead that day, and today Hope and I got right back out there to make sure we remembered! I think we did alright. All the dogs on 13th were out barking. All the big treats were gone on the 1 block. It was like running the gauntlet, and I know Carrie would have been impressed! We even  stopped to talk to the basset hound guy for 10 minutes. They were barking their head's off, as bassets do, and Hope barely paid mind. She accepted a treat and pets from their owner. He loves that the dog trainers like his street to walk down. He understands what we are doing. He says some of his neighbors get cranky, but I have a sneaking suspicion if his bassets didn't bark...they might not mind so much. I think Hope did really good today on our walk. When we got home, I hate her wait for a very long time...ok a good 5 minutes. I was over by the porch at the end of the lead, and she waited in the truck.

Long enough for me to take a couple of picture and send them to Facebook. She stayed in the truck until I said OK!

I am so proud of my Hope, she is doing awesome. We hung out in the front yard for awhile. OK, me in the driveway, and Hope in the street. She was at the end of her lead, and I know she would have bolted if she wasn't on that lead. However, she did not pull and she kept coming back to check in and get a treat. I think she did awesome today!

There's our friends!

Hello all, it's me the Hopalope! Today has been a great day. Mom is really tired today from chemo, so I got my paws on the keyboard for her...aren't I a talented pooch? There is an angel watching over us. Carrie called mom today before my training, and told us that a special friend of ours called and paid for 3 training sessions for me! Maybe we are heading in the right direction after all. Plus, another special friend made a donation via our blog. This is so perfect, as guess what else Mom has found? She found somebody on Whocanhelp.com that is working on a logo with my head on it! Mom says we got the wheel in motion, now we just have to keep it going. Having somebody else do some of the work will help keep us moving forward.

Today Carrie took us to a great dog neighborhood. There were lots of dogs, but they were all behind fences. Carrie uses this neighborhood all the time for dogs like me. She knew where all the dogs lived, and what their habits were. So we worked a little bit more on our "this ways", so I can get better at not tripping  mom. I learned a lot about "there's our friends". They were all behind fences, so they couldn't be rude and come up and get in my face. I don't like it so well when dogs are rude and I don't know them. Carrie said I did very good. Mom thinks I did so good, that she almost couldn't reward me so well. This is because I was almost ignoring everybody! Mom says we will go back to the same neighborhood and do it again tomorrow- just me and mom. This way we will both  remember what Carrie taught us. So that's all for now. Mom says I need to go post a new picture on my facebook page, and call it good for the night. She says that she is super tired from chemo, but that she feels really good. A movie and snuggling with me will fix everything!

Getting ready to walk with Carrie, we love her!

Looking for resources to help get Hope trained

This is a letter looking for a scholarship for Hope's training. The lady that wrote me back suggested posting our story on her Facebook page. I couldn't figure out how to do it right, so it got turned into a blog, and I will post a blog link there instead. I feel like I am really putting myself out there, much more then I want to be. However this battle has forced me to get a bit creative, so here is the basics of what I am thinking.

5/17/11
Hello,
My name is Charmine and Hope is my girl. I rescued her from a Southern ID animal shelter last fall. I fell in love with pit bulls 20+ years ago, but the time was never right for my own. I have been battling St 4 breast cancer since Aug of 2009. In Nov of 2010, I spent a weekend in Butte, and was reminded of 2 things. My own pit bull was on my bucket list, and the therapeutic value of dogs. Needless to say, I started searching the Internet for a pibble to adopt as soon as I got back to my laptop. So many choices!

Then comes Hope! I found her on Petfinder, simply listed with a picture as a female pit bull mix, 2-3 years old- as an owner surrender. She was scheduled to be euthanized 2 days before I found her ad. The shelter was closed by then, so I emailed them to see if she was still alive. The ad also stated that she was good with dogs, cats and people. That was it. First thing Friday morning, I was back looking again, and had forgotten about the dog I had emailed about. I talked to a local rescue and was thinking about a mixed puppy, which really wasn't what I wanted. Then my husband reminded me about that email. I called the shelter and shelter told me she was still alive, but would be put down on Sunday. Shelter person told me the same thing the ad did. I was quite nervous, having never owned my own dog before. I couldn't understand why she was being put down, if she was so good. I showed my friend the ad, and asked him to call again...just to see if we got a different answer. Different person, same answer. As nervous as I was, (Mom IS a worry wart!) I knew that I had to go get her. I figured if she really was too much for me to handle, that we would save her and find her a more experienced home if need be. So off I went for a 16 hour round trip to go get her!

I told the shelter I was coming, and made arrangements to meet the animal control officer after hours to pick her up. Into the room I went to go meet her. All the other dogs were barking..except this beautiful girl. She was more interested in eating the boxer's kibble next to her, which had spilled out into her cage. She stopped and her attention was all mine when I found her. I knew right then that her name was Hope. Hope for a furever home for her, and Hope for me. See, my doctor told me a couple weeks before that with stage 4 recurrent breast cancer, his best guess was I have between 2 and 10 years left to live. I made up my mind right then that she was going to live a ripe old age, and I was going to out live her! The shelter was very kind, and did not charge us her adoption fee, once they found out that she was my bucket list dog.
Hope is my girl. She stays right by my side. My goal for her is to become a certified therapy dog, so we can go spread Hope in the cancer center. She is a very good girl, just needs more socializing and training. Mom needs more training, to build Mom's confidence that she is training Hope right. Since I adopted Hope, we had to move into a friend's basement. I have had a very rough couple of years, and have since divorced my husband. So now we live with a rottweiler and a young lab. We do good with the other dogs, but not perfect as they are un-neutered, and un-trained males. Currently we are working with Wind River Tails & Trails for boarding and training.

The dilemma is this. My doctor has put me on disability for an undetermined amount of time. I called WRTT, and had them max out my credit card to start training Hope. I believe that they are already giving us a discounted rate. Due to the other dog/children situation in the house, I chose to have Hope boarded while I visited my grandmother, and again when I go to a much needed breast cancer retreat next week. I figured this was a much better option then spending it on training, then taking a chance on something bad happening while I was gone. I have $40 left on my tab after boarding. So I have enough for 1 more training session, which will involve strange dog training, for lack of better terms. I am probably short about $1000 to get her trained and certified. I am quite stressed between her and I both needing more training. I am terrified something bad will happen, if I don't get her trained. Mom is really lost right now, and I need something positive to focus on now, so I can heal myself. Both Hope and I really need a "job" to do, and I believe therapy work is what both of us need, and soon!

My other concern with Hope is also to get her trained well, in case my cancer doesn't shape up and ship out. Not happening, but I do have to be realistic as far as Hope is concerned. If something were to happen to me, I would want her to continue on as a therapy dog if possible. I know that her being well trained, will make a huge difference in who's home she would go to live if something were to happen to me. She is my only child, and she is a very special girl. I know, aren't they all?

So when I ran across your Facebook page, I thought maybe you could help. What I am looking for is a scholarship, or charity type assistance to help with Hope's training. I have been looking on the internet, but am not running across anything that we would be applicable for. Do you have any ideas, or resources that I can check into? Thank you for getting involved and being there for pibbles in MT! I didn't run across your site when I started searching. Thanks so much for your time!

Sincerely, Charmine and Hope

6/2/11 PS-Since I have written the above note, I have created a Facebook page for Hope. We share my blog, as 2 blogs is too much for me. There is a donation button on the bottom of our blog. I feel really uncomfortable having it there, but I am at a loss on what to do. I am in the process of looking for someone to help me design a logo for Charmine's Hope. With this logo, I hope to start selling t-shirts etc. to start generating some income. I am on a very small disability, and will not be going back to my prior source of income. These (hopeful) monies will be first and foremost used to finish Hope's training, and yes- to put some extra monies in my own pocket. Then when Hope and I are back on track, I would like to continue with the fundraising efforts to pay it forward to some very worthy breast cancer foundations. 2 that have touched me personally are Tough Enough to Wear Pink, and Lotus Survival Foundation.

You see, these foundations help take care of survivors in the HERE AND NOW. These are not foundations raising money for a cure. Yes, the cure is very important, but I don't believe they are lacking in as much funding as the here and now. For me personally, finances were and still are my number 1 stress factor. My disability check does not allow for any extras at all. If I am in this boat, I know many others are as well. How many of us go with out the extra vitamin supplements, that help us keep our immune system and energy levels up, because Medicaid and insurance doesn't cover it? What about eating better, which means I should be buying organic when applicable. What about dealing with the mind and soul aspect of things? Many cancer centers offer additional therapies for free. Sadly, Missoula does not appear to have much available. This is something I would like to work on, when I get back on track. This means I have to earn income in a more creative way, so I have the time and energy to work on other projects. Many of us have clothing issues due to surgery scars, and weight gain or loss. What about even just some extra gas money to get out of the house and see a dear friend, or a book about dealing with cancer. Please don't think I am complaining, as I do have it better now, much more then a year ago.

A year ago, I was married and strapped as financially tight as could be. My husband owned a business in a very bad economy, so I did not qualify for Montana's Breast & Cervical Program. Everything had to be paid for out of pocket. Medicaid wouldn't touch me at that point either. I had to call and cancel 3 different times (in tears) just for an appointment just to find out about breast reconstruction. I felt like I was going to have to walk around lopsided for the rest of my life, because I had made some bad financial decisions somewhere along the way and couldn't come up with $125 for a consultation to find out how much reconstruction would cost. These are just some of the obvious things that financially strapped survivors may be going without. I can only imagine what the other unspoken needs are, and most of us prefer to be pretty quiet about these needs. I personally do not want to ask for help, unless I can offer something in return. I don't have a lot to offer in return right now, just a lot of promises to pay it forward when I get back on my feet.

So as you can see, things are looking up. I do have a small disability check, and Medicaid is now picking up the tab. I have Hope in many more ways then one. I am taking all I am learning and trying to hold onto it, so I can help guide someone else down the road. This cancer is my blessing, and I know that I am becoming a much better quality of person along this journey. I can see that I do make a difference in other's lives, and I will continue to do so. I never asked to take this journey, but I walk my path willingly and graciously.

Out with Carrie from Wind River Tails and Trails

OK folks, I am trying hard to stay on top of my blogging. I'm falling behind, as I think I have 3 blogs in the process, and aren't getting any of them finished :( Mom is TIRED! I think I used every bit of energy in Florida last week. It is all I can do to not turn this laptop off until I get 1 blog finished. I really can't believe how exhausted I am now, and last week I was so full of pep at my retreat. I should probably make my unfinished retreat blog much shorter, so it gets posted and then I will feel as if I've accomplished something.
  So Saturday was dog training day. I chose to stay home for a dog training session, instead of going to memorial services for a friend who passed from pancreatic cancer 2 weeks past. I just didn't have it in me this time for the circumstances that I would be going there under. Plus, Hope's training is so uber important. I have her scheduled for 3 sessions, as Carrie is a very busy lady. This is where I cross my fingers that the money will be there for Hope's training. I did not want to schedule training sessions that I do not have the money for. Waiting for the money to schedule is putting us too far out of whack in scheduling. Maybe this is the part where I need to practice having more faith that things will be alright. If I don't have the money on hand when I need to schedule something, things have the tendency to get put on the back burner. I can't do that with this. It is too important.

 Here is Carrie Hunt with Wind River Tails & Trails spending a few moments with the whole crew. JD the rottie, Justice the yellow lab, and Hope the pit bull. They LOVE Carrie and you know she always has lots of yummy treats!

 OH what good dogs they are, all lined up for Carrie! They are practicing their best manners.
Then it was Hope time, and of course I packed the camera, but took no pictures. Mom was a little bit tense, as she is very unsure of other dogs and Hope. I was much more relaxed armed with Carrie this time. Hope impressed Carrie, as we started out. She got to show off for Carrie how well she is doing her waits, comes, this ways and over the ditch. Carrie says that Hope is one of the fastest learning dogs she has ever taught. She also says that mom is doing very good with her too. I feel very comfortable that I have this part down pretty good. Now onto other dogs. I am still nervous, but feeling better. We had a pretty intense dog walk through a part of my neighborhood where dogs aren't all fenced. Carrie was with us though, and we got through it. We got to meet some neighbor dogs, and some went better then others. If all the dogs were behind fences like they should be, it would have been much easier. I don't feel quite confident that Hope and I are ready to fly on our own with this one quite yet, but we will get there. The best part is that Carrie does not believe Hope is dog aggressive. She doesn't think that she wants to go pick a fight. However, she will not tolerate rude dogs that get right in her face. Carrie thinks that it is more of a socialization issue with Hope. I am so happy that I have Carrie on board with us! As you can see from the pictures, she does have manners, and has some social skills. With Carrie's help, I have faith that someday I won't have to worry as much.
  Hope was boarded at Wind River while I was in Florida last week. She also decided to do a little showing of down there, as she scaled a 5 foot fence while she was there. Mom's not thrilled with it, and thankfully it ended well. I'm glad that she showed off and nothing bad happened, only so we know better what we are dealing with. When Carrie was here for training, she finally got a chance to check out my electric fence. After the fence scaling incident, Carrie really wanted to make sure that my electric fence was right. It looked good, but unbeknownst to me...it was not running full power. Thank you for pushing the issue Carrie! My fence was fine, but if you  looked at the battery box close...it wasn't even grounded. Carrie told me to get a better tester, as in one that shows you how many volts it's putting out...and to test it every day. Now I can see that my visual check is not enough. Plus, when I got the right voltage checker, I discovered that even all hooked up right was not right. The battery was only putting out about 2000 volts, when it should be 5000. Back to Quality Supply I went, and got the box exchanged. So the electric fence is finally right, and I got the grass under the fence line under control. Now hopefully the 9 year old who is convinced it doesn't work, will still continue to leave it alone!



Hope soaking up the sun while Mom works on the electric fencing.

 

Chemo #12

Today was Mom's 12th chemo of her current regiment. Yay for my Mom, I am so proud of her! I think I have been in the truck for 15 chemo treatments since my mom rescued me. She always tells me I am her Hope.    I almost had to stay home today. Mom let me out for my morning business, and the sun was out. I could see my mom soaking up the warmth. She disappeared in the garage, and I heard this noise. JD the Rottweiler seemed familiar with the noise, but not me! Mom was working on something out there, but I couldn't see. She finally came back in and said she had something called "a dead battery" in the pretty purple 2 wheeled thing in the garage. Whatever it was, Mom put on my blue leash and said it was still cool enough out to go hang out in the truck while she gets her chemo. I like to hang out in the truck while Mom is busy, as I don't like her to leave the house without me. I managed to get out of the truck in the parking garage today, good thing Mom keeps pretty tight reign on my leash!. I don't normally do that, but Mom took to long getting her stuff together today. She made me load back up, but she keeps promising me that I will get to go in the Cancer Center and hang out soon. She says I will LOVE it in there. Lots of people to pet me and visit with me...PLUS, I'll be the only dog in the house! I LOVE people attention, and would love to let you scratch my belly for ever and ever.    Mom says that we have a "job" to do, and that it will make both of us feel better. She says her cancer is easier to deal with, when we can go spread Hope to others. I don't know what a "job" is, but if Mom says I'll like it, it must be so. Mom said she was starting a new blog today, and that I am the star! She thinks we make a pretty good team, and that we will go far. Go? Where? Let's go Mom!  My Mom is really a little bit worried about me though...OK, maybe a lot worried right now. I think maybe she is not so much worried about me, as much as she is just scared and worried in general. She's a tough cookie though, and does her best to remain strong.

Waking Up with Hope

Shrink, shrink, SHRINK!

Hiya all! My chemo appointment went GREAT on Wed. I didn't get the video footage that I was after, as I didn't show Dad how to operate my Bloggie Touch in time. My Onc's face was priceless though. Poor guy, he walks in and is trying to look at my records. I'm like screw those papers, feel this! His face said it all. He didn't even bother with the calipers this time. It now feels pretty close to the original scar tissue. I can still feel my lymph nodes, so I know it's not gone. This is a huge change though, and I love the feel of relief of everyone around me. I needed this so bad. I have tried to stayed so positive, but I also don't want to live in a bubble and have it pop on me suddenly. There is Hope. Maybe I too can be a 40 year survivor after all!
  I only got my Cisplatain chemo on WED, no Gemzar. The Gemzar is the hardest on the blood count. This is the first time in all the chemos, that my blood counts have been low at labs. He says no biggy, we'll go back to normal next week. Sometimes he needs to tweek the doses a bit to keep me well. I was actually pretty surprised to hear low blood count, as I felt great. I always thought the low blood counts made you feel icky.
  So hip hip hurray for me! I am trying to load a video I made to share with you. Not cooperating at this moment, so check back soon to watch, "Waking Up with Hope"

On the edges of a chemo fog

Chemo fog, yes I remember now. I could live without what I am starting to call a chemo fog. I swear I don't remember much of my life during last of my Taxol treatments last spring. I remember how good I felt compared to the A/C treatments, and I have the tendency to forget the rest. I remember occasionally how crappy the side effects were, but mostly I remember feeling as if in a fog. Like I do now. The strange part is, I feel way better then a couple of weeks ago, overall. I think the fog is more related to just being tired. I do what I want or need to do, and not much else. Probably not getting out of my PJ's enough...is there a rule on that?
  I was out in my pjs on Friday working. My GF came over and I helped her string up a dog run cable for Hope. Ms. Hope has still thinks she gets to go wherever she wants, and that doesn't work for me. I was outside in PJ's, sweatshirt and winter hat. It was beautiful out, and felt like spring. Got the cable up for Hope, and I spent another hour outside shoveling dog crap, ice and leaves. My back was not a happy camper by the time I was done, but the back deck was SOOOOO much better. We have a young puppy in the house that hasn't figured out what the patio is NOT for. So you see, I am trying to keep myself from total immersion into the fog! I do keep myself busy with light house cleaning as well.
   PJ are comfy though! We are going to go for a walk today, so I will come out of pjs. I just do so much "lie downs" that pjs are comfy. As long as I can feel like I am contributing to the household- pjs are all right. I need to contribute, or I really won't feel right.
    My, I feel like I am just a rambling mess right now. I feel guilty because I need to write, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. I don't even feel like what I am writing today makes much sense. I feel like I am shutting people out of my life, and putting myself into a self induced fog. I don't think that is really right, but then why do I feel that way? If I have to worry, then  it is work. I just want to do what I want to do, and not worry. That doesn't work though, that is selfish. I feel like I am shutting my family out, and I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it would be different if they lived here, and could just stop by whenever they wanted? Nobody wants to drive 3 hours to wonder if I will feel up for a visit, which I understand. It would probably feel easier for everybody all the way around if they could just drop by and see for themselves how things are. Am I being selfish with my family by insisting on staying in Missoula for the time being? I think staying put is the right thing for right now. I don't want to change doctor's, nor do I want to drive 5 hours round trip for appointments.
   Yep, rambling...not convinced this is making me feel any better. I think some bacon & eggs, and a walk with Hope would be the best use of my day. So rambling that I haven't even said the BEST news! So I had dose # 2 on Wed. Doc says his calipers show a smidge of shrinkage. I don't think he would say that if he truly didn't believe.  I felt it yesterday, and again just now. I made B feel it yesterday, and I will have her check again shortly. It is DEFINITELY smaller! Still there, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is smaller! Not just a smidge either, a noticeable difference. I'm pretty sure that you can probably even tell the difference by just looking at it, not just by feel. OK, I'm done for now. I don't want to waste the sunshine!

What was I thinking?

So all in all, not doing so bad today. I don't have a lot of energy, I just want to veg. My hands are so dry, tender and sore. My right thumb is the most tender from chemo, and the nail looks funky. I took a big chunk out of it, while packing food processor blades- whoops, I forgot they were sharp and resided in  that  drawer. Didn't help matters any. My mucus membranes are calming down. New issue is my port scar. I started feeling slight pain yesterday or the day before. It looks dry, but infection is starting in the right corner. I clipped a piece of suture that was poking out a couple of weeks ago...no  skin, just suture. I can't imagine that would have caused an infection. All I know is it is red, tender and a hole where the suture was. I put some peroxide on it, & will keep neosporin on it. I'm not due back at hospital until the 23rd. So if it doesn't look better tomorrow, I will call doc. I have a feeling between immune system, stress and still smoking...this may need some antibiotics in me. It shouldn't look like this, so why?

OK, Tylenol, my cold tea and some tv, along with a visit with Mary Jane. Hope is snoring away next to me, so we are good to go!

Round 2 of Docetaxol down

Well, down the hatch and feeling good, thanks to the steroids. My parents came to chemo today, along with 1 of my sisters and 2 gfs. I actually requested a private room today, as I knew I had company. It was a bad start to the day with my husband again, so he just dumped me off out front again. Thank gosh for my support crew, or I would have been a mess.

Today's battle-nothing like your husband canceling your surprise b-day party right in front of you. All because he didn't listen to what I originally wanted to do, and made his own plans for me. I would have rather done birthday party, but he blew a fuse without thinking it through. Made me feel so crappy. I am still just blown away by his behavior, yet I'm the one who makes him look like a chump, not! (I won't rehash the work and joy I got out of the surprise party for him)
  So anyways, chemo was fine, but not a great doctor's appointment. I was so glad my parents finally got to meet my oncologist. I think he liked my spreadsheet, as did H, my clinical research lady. He told me to start with Tylenol, to alleviate the flu symptoms. Try to save the pain pills for pain. Then he looked at the bad lymph node under the collar bone that we can now see. He wasn't impressed with that, and headed back for his calipers. I don't even think that he measured the node. I think he went straight for the chest mass. Before I thought his main concern was the multiple sternum nodes. Now I'm not so sure. The growth on that mass is what is concerning him, as the mass is still getting bigger. So my guess today is that he is concerned about that mass getting into my bone, because it is so close on my chest wall. I can't help but feel that he is getting more concerned then he is letting on, and my family felt the same. So, scheduled for 1 more dose in 3 weeks. If there is still no positive change after the 3rd dose, that will be the last Docetaxol, and we will try something different. We aren't out of options yet, this one may just not be good enough for my particular cancer. I'll be OK, but I am a little scared. Not even sure if scared is the right word, maybe just sad that maybe I don't have enough time to do the things I want to do.

We went for lunch at The Stone of Accord- great Irish food. Perfect light sandwich for after chemo. While we ate lunch, Hope proceeded to eat about a half pound of birthday fudge that I never even got a taste of! She hasn't puked yet!

Feeling full of P&V!

Ok that was yesterday and the day before. I still feel great, just have calmed down a notch is all. Which is good...maybe the roller coaster will mellow out until we start again next week. I remember Mondays on day 8 from my original treatment, I was always full of P&V, as I like to call it. I don't recall if I blogged about my spring ride last April, on one of those Mondays. I can still remember how good me and my ride felt that day!
  Yeppers, feeling good! Only still in bed so I can blog without distractions. I rocked yesterday. Pretty sad that I didn't really do that much, but it felt huge to me. Rinsed all the mud off the truck, washed all the inside windows in the truck, out in the shop for a few, out looking at critter stuff in the orchard, worked with Hope in the yard for a few, scrubbed out some sinks and toilets good, made Chicken Parmesan AND visited with friends for a couple hours while cooking. Yikes, that really isn't very much at all for me. Sure seemed like a lot at the time, and I was ready for bed when it was time. If I don't decide to go into Missoula today, I need to get out with Hope some more. Maybe we'll go walk the Buddha garden today, or down to my gf's house. Not terribly far, but enough to feel like Hope and I got some sunshine and exercise.
  So I copied Daria, and made myself a spreadsheet to for my side effects. I have put a lot of thought into what Daria said in her blogs. This really is so different feeling then the first time around. Before, we geared every thought to standard bc treatment, and this will get rid of it. Well it didn't, so I guess all thoughts of "standard" treatment go out the window. Yes, I know the routine and the basics of how it works, and what to expect....the basics. This time we don't know how many treatments we will do of the Docetaxol. I would probably have blown off tracking side effects again. Given what Daria wrote in her blog, I'm not so sure that is a good idea. I don't think my oncologist will keep me on Docetaxol as long as Daria's did. The one thing I have learned though, is I don't care how "not new" at this I am now, I still don't know the answers. Every time I guess something and think I have it figured out, doc tells me a different treatment so.....we shall see what really happens! So, since I really don't know how Docetaxol will turn out, maybe I better track it. Especially in case it is longer then I think. I already suspect it will be harder then I think. What Daria wrote about quality of life when doc wanted to lower her dose, made a lot of sense. The spreadsheet will help make those decisions a lot clearer, I'm thinking.
  I don't think I really was completely honest about how I felt last week. I think I spent 4 days in bed, Fri. through Monday. Monday was more lazy then feeling bad I think. I didn't feel like I was dying by any means, just not great. Just minor flu like symptoms. More irritating then anything, because it doesn't go away. I have an Oxycodone 5mg script, that was for after surgery for my port. I have discovered that that helps with the flu symptoms. I don't really like that idea, as that is not what they were prescribed for. I don't want to get dependent on pills. Bed is great because it is quiet. I get chills very easily when it is like this. Propped up in bed on a heating pad, with a cup of tea and my medicinal herb is the best place to be. So far I don't ache bad, so I don't need my maryjane for pain. It does help stimulate my appetite, it does help me sleep, but most importantly it helps me relax. It truly takes the edge off the whole situation, and that is what works for me.
  I really was surprised that it hit me as hard as it did for the first treatment. I really wasn't expecting to spend 4 days in bed right off the bat. This is the part that is concerning me, really concerning me. I am a little scared that this will be much harder then I am expecting, given the reaction to the first round. My clinical research lady, H. says that Docetaxol is a bit stronger then Taxol. She says they prefer to try Taxol first, as the side effects aren't as harsh. Great, but that's OK...I can do it.
  I can do anything I want, just take away the worry please! I am a worry wart anyways. Don't know if I was born that way, or if my life made me that way. All I know is I have been a worrier since very young. I would love to spend the rest of my life not worrying. I know that is a lot to ask for, but I don't think it is too much. I prefer not to use the word deserve, to me that sounds like I am better then someone else. I also don't believe I am ever destined for a "normal" life, but as close as possible would sure be nice! I just want to retain some sense of normalcy, and not feel so frustrated, and to not worry. The only way I know how to do that, is to do it all by myself. That way I don't have to worry about depending on somebody else and getting frustrated because somebody else isn't following through with what I need. Plus, there would be nobody else in my ear telling me all I worry about is myself too! I am not wrong for worrying about myself right now.
  OK, I'm feeling a bit of chemo brain. It started popping back up immediately back up immediately this time it would seem. I wanted to blog my day so bad yesterday, so I wouldn't forget. I was just too tired so I refrained from it. Now I'm kicking my butt, because I'm sure I forgot half of what I wanted to write, and rambled on somewhere else. I do have 1 parting thought though. H and doc say side effects are cumulitive, which I do believe. So we had a 3 week break between the pill and the injection start date. I still say I am surprised at how hard this hit me. What does this tell me? This makes me think 2 things. 1- that I am not as healthy as when we first started this in 8/09 with my original diagnosis, so maybe my body is not tolerating my chemo quite as well. 2- is this. I used to do a lot of meth in my 20's. I remember quitting for a couple of years, then starting again. I realised within a couple of months that I needed to stop. It took me years to build up what I call meth ticks. (Weird little habits that one consciously or unconsciously does when on drugs) When I went back to it, all those ticks came right back, like they'd never even been gone. So, I'm wondering if it is possible that side effects can come back that much faster, because your body is already aware of these side effects. Can anybody else out there vouch for this thought?
  OK, Happy Friday all! I am off, or I will not get that Vitamin D I need!

Sometimes it's just nice to be a vegetable!

Hi folks, here I am...alive and well. I have spent all of Sat and Sun curled up with my pit bull in bed. Mostly out of desire, but now of course I can't tell if my back hurts from chemo, or too much bed. Sometimes bed is just a nice place. I can't see the mound of papers I need to tackle, the floor that needs to be vacuumed or whatever else unfinished project I have lying around. Bed is just really the only place I know to get peace and quiet when it is dreary out. I tried to explain this to hubby, but he just looked at me with his usual look like he thinks I will now spend the rest of my life in bed. Never really dawns on him that dealing with him is part of the lack of peace!
  So let's see, side affects? A couple of days of heart burn- Zantac 75 clears that up. Some diarrhea, but not enough to take a pill yet. Feeling a bit tired and just not up to par. My back has been bothering me, but I always have a hard time telling if it is due to the bed, versus chemo. I'm thinking it is a little bit of bed too, as it seems like I could feel the bad curve this morning. Haven't felt puky until the cat just puked up her cat food on the snake's hydrometer! Not nausea, but it doesn't take much for me to get queasy.
  So it is now Monday, and I am not in bed. I have a quiet house for the moment. I've walked the dog, and vacuumed. I don't feel too shabby. I'll finish eating this cereal, and get my crud together. Off to Missoula to get more labs drawn. Then again on Wed. and I should be done getting poked for the week. I'm not moving very fast, but I know the longer I wait, the slower I will be moving later!

Charmine's Hope

Ok folks, so I decided that it was time to get to work on a bucket list. I know the name is really bothering some of my loved ones, and my apologies- I'm not changing it. I don't look at it like I am dying, just some stuff I want to make sure to do before that time comes. It is my list after all, so I should call it what I like.

  So I got a dog. Not just any dog, but a dog that I have always wanted- a pit bull. I fell in love with a couple of pit bulls when I was 21. I have always wanted one since. Any pittie I have ever met has been  so very sweet. The time was just never right- too busy riding harleys, and not ready for the extra responsibility. Well I met a pouty lipped pittie in Butte a few weeks ago. It's owner reminded me what good therapy dogs were, and then I couldn't get it out of my head. I started searching the net for a rescue dog as soon as I got home. All I knew was I wanted a female with pouty lips, that was old enough to know better, gets  along good with other animals, and preferably purebred.
  About the 4rd day I started getting serious. I found a female in a southern ID shelter. Her ad was basic- 3-5 year old female, American Staffordshire Terrier mix- scheduled to be euthenized on11/6. I emailed them, and went to bed. First thing in the morning, I am back on my search...forgetting about this good looking girl. I was talking to a lady up north, who had a black mix puppy, but I really didn't want a puppy. Hubby reminded me about the girl in southern ID. I called the shelter, and talked to a man who said she was still alive. I reassured me that she was great with cats, dogs and people, but she would be put down on Sunday. This was Thursday. I felt a little nervous, as it felt like he was blowing smoke to get me to come get her. I couldn't understand why they were going to put her down if she was so great. But I couldn't leave her there to die either. So I had my friend call back down there. He talked to a woman, and she gave the same story. She just said that she was an owner drop off, and didn't know why...owner just didn't want her anymore.
   HMMM, still nervous- but she sounded perfect. We decided I would just get in the truck and drive. The shelter would be closed by the time that I got there. They gave me  the animal control officer's cell number, and he would let me into the shelter. So into the truck I went, and I drove 6.5 hours to ID to go get her. We figured if she really wasn't working out- that we would find her a better home. The important part was getting her off death row. I got there a just after 7 pm. Sure enough, the officer and his wife came down to meet me.
   So we go back in the kennels, and everybody is barking...except for the little black girl who's cage we found. Her bowl was empty, and she was more interested in eating the boxer's food in the cage next door. She finally got interested in me, but was quiet while everybody else was barking away. She started pulling as soon as she was out and on her leash. She had to check out the little rat dog in the carrier cage. I  decided on her name while I was waiting for the lady to find a leash. I was hooked already, and I decided right then and there that she was staying with me. I figure she's got a good 12 years left, and I will do the best I can to take care of her. So the deal is this- her name is Hope, and I'm going to out live her! I was also interested in learning about therapy dogs. The lady asked me if she had a name, and I said Hope unless she already had one. Then I explained to her why she was my bucket list dog. By the time I got back inside to sign papers, her husband asked me if she was a bucket list dog. When I said yes, he handed me her papers, her care package...and my $60 adoption fee back. I said my thank yous and boogied out of there before the waterworks started.

  It was a long drive home, but I had my Hope for company! I think it dropped down to 4 degrees at the top of Monida Pass at about 11:30. I stayed awake without any late evening energy drinks. Just meant I got to get to know Hope every time we stopped for pee breaks and walked. Boy she is strong! I am so very happy with her size...any more might be too much work when I am down for the count from chemo. She did pretty good in the truck, though she didn't want to load up on her own. I imagine the last time she got in a rig, she went to the pound. She paced a little bit between the seats, but not bad. She even drug her treat bag up on  the seat. I didn't even know she knew it was there. We made it home at about 2:45 am. I jumped in bed asap, and 2 seconds later- she was on her back, with her head on the pillow like she belonged there. I don't believe beds and couches are new to this one...she got up there like a pro. I had truely forgotten what couch hogs, and awesome snugglers that they are. Just exactly what the doctor would order, I am sure! I am hooked on my new girl, she is just perfect...Charmine's Hope