A most beautiful thing is to watch a man so gently, so carefully walk his elderly, bald and sick wife into the bathroom. Right by her side so tenderly. You know that he is by her side through thick and thin, and until the end. Now that is how love is supposed to be!
Monday, September 19, 2011
In the chemo chair for dose #2 of CDX-011
Hi all! Haven't been feeling very positive for a couple of days, and I'm not going to hide it today. Here's to hoping my Oncologist can help me put it in a better perspective when he visits me in a minute. However, I am not holding my breath. Hopefully I don't irritate him, but I already feel like I'm going to.
What am I feeling this moment in time? I am feeling alone, scared and tired. A little bit pissed off at my loved ones. Let me try and break it down here. I am feeling alone, and the alone and pissed off is getting all jumbled together. I know I'm not alone, yet I am so very alone in this. Ultimately it is up to me to deal with this. I have no right to be pissed off at the people who care about me. They are doing the best that they can, and that is all I should expect, and I have to accept this. No one around me knows how to make this any easier, and I can't tell them. I know what I think that I would do, but that is up to someone else to figure out. I've told my loved ones what I think I need, but I can't make them do any different. I'm tired of feeling like shit because I feel like I am pushing others to do something that they aren't ready to do. Tired of asking, hinting, complaining and whining. Bottom line is it is up to me to take care of me. There is no one else.
The bad part about it all is the thoughts are creeping in to not do chemo anymore. Hold up for a second- not saying I'm quitting...but the thoughts are there. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this turmoil. If it is going to be such a battle the rest of the way...what's the point? I'd like to think that someday I will have money in my pockets so I can take my room mate and her family out to dinner to say thank you. Or to throw a little get together for my pink ladies and my family to say thank you and I love you. To be able to just go out and eat something really yummy without fighting with myself over the other bill that I am neglecting. Hell, I'd be happy with just an extra $200 bucks a month. That would give me so much breathing room! I want to go dig for black opals in Nevada. I want to go sit and talk with my grandma face to face. Right now, I want to load my Hope in the truck and just drive and drive and drive and drive away from cancer. Except it doesn't really work that way...plus I think the farthest I have enough gas for is Billings or maybe the coast.
I am still fighting, but I am getting really scared. I now hate that I can feel my mass and lymph nodes. I used to like it because then I would know when they were shrinking. They aren't shrinking, and I know this. I can hope that the ones I can't feel are shrinking, but I doubt it. I just want peace and little worry for the remainder of my life. Doesn't seem so much to ask, but I know it is. My life has rarely ever been been truly peaceful and stress free. I am trying so hard to remain resilient and positive, but it is getting harder. It's hard on my physically, but not that bad yet. It is the mental stuff that will drive me crazy, but I already knew this. I do feel like if I can just hang on, I can beat it. Hanging on needs to be pleasant though. Why hang on if one is just miserable the whole time...put me out! Quitting and going out and finding a job is starting to sound better and better. At least I could afford my meds that make me not care so much about this fricken disease, and I could afford to eat the things that I enjoy. If chemo is just prolonging my life, I better be enjoying it. If I knew there was a cure a year away, that would be different. I don't know just makes me want to huck my phone against the wall. I don't want to hear I don't know anymore.
I am so blessed with my Hope. I love my family and friends, so please don't take this the wrong way. However, they are part of the I don't know. I need help, and I can't do this alone. However they just don't seem to know what to do. Neither do I, but I still keep doing anyway. I made a promise to my Hope to take care of her for a long time. I will do that. I'm not ready to die and have her go through the stress of a new home and family again. Not if I can help it. I made a promise to take care of her in the best way that I know how. She is my Hope. That meant calling someone that probably really didn't want my phone call and asking for money for her vet bill. Funny, I won't ask for myself, but I will ask for my dog. I will ask total strangers before I will ask my family for help again, or just go without. The way I felt after asking for $8 for hobo spider traps will not happen again.
I am alone by choice- because I left a bad situation that would eventually be the death of me. However, I don't want to be always alone. I do feel as if my close friends don't know this somehow. I guess I am wrong by thinking that maybe people should come visit me. Some people seem to think that it is up to me to come visit them. What isn't understood is that I am very limited on gas money and energy. I run pretty tight circles. This doesn't mean that I don't want company- it means I am broke and not traveling far, and not always feeling so hot. It does not mean that I don't want to visit with you, it means that I don't feel well or have gas to spare. Heck, I am happy for someone to come watch a movie with me, or a surprise visit to chemo. You see what happens when I don't have visits....my mind gos to sad and depressing places when left alone too much. Or pissy places, like I am at the moment. The more I think about this, the more pissy I am getting. I guess I just expect way too much out of people. I know how I THINK I would react, so isn't that just common sense? Isn't that the way we act when a loved one is in trouble? I guess not.
Please, please- if I get better, please let me retain and remember all these things! Please let me get better! I want my positive attitude back- the one where there is no doubt in my head about beating this, please bring it back!
What am I feeling this moment in time? I am feeling alone, scared and tired. A little bit pissed off at my loved ones. Let me try and break it down here. I am feeling alone, and the alone and pissed off is getting all jumbled together. I know I'm not alone, yet I am so very alone in this. Ultimately it is up to me to deal with this. I have no right to be pissed off at the people who care about me. They are doing the best that they can, and that is all I should expect, and I have to accept this. No one around me knows how to make this any easier, and I can't tell them. I know what I think that I would do, but that is up to someone else to figure out. I've told my loved ones what I think I need, but I can't make them do any different. I'm tired of feeling like shit because I feel like I am pushing others to do something that they aren't ready to do. Tired of asking, hinting, complaining and whining. Bottom line is it is up to me to take care of me. There is no one else.
The bad part about it all is the thoughts are creeping in to not do chemo anymore. Hold up for a second- not saying I'm quitting...but the thoughts are there. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this turmoil. If it is going to be such a battle the rest of the way...what's the point? I'd like to think that someday I will have money in my pockets so I can take my room mate and her family out to dinner to say thank you. Or to throw a little get together for my pink ladies and my family to say thank you and I love you. To be able to just go out and eat something really yummy without fighting with myself over the other bill that I am neglecting. Hell, I'd be happy with just an extra $200 bucks a month. That would give me so much breathing room! I want to go dig for black opals in Nevada. I want to go sit and talk with my grandma face to face. Right now, I want to load my Hope in the truck and just drive and drive and drive and drive away from cancer. Except it doesn't really work that way...plus I think the farthest I have enough gas for is Billings or maybe the coast.
I am still fighting, but I am getting really scared. I now hate that I can feel my mass and lymph nodes. I used to like it because then I would know when they were shrinking. They aren't shrinking, and I know this. I can hope that the ones I can't feel are shrinking, but I doubt it. I just want peace and little worry for the remainder of my life. Doesn't seem so much to ask, but I know it is. My life has rarely ever been been truly peaceful and stress free. I am trying so hard to remain resilient and positive, but it is getting harder. It's hard on my physically, but not that bad yet. It is the mental stuff that will drive me crazy, but I already knew this. I do feel like if I can just hang on, I can beat it. Hanging on needs to be pleasant though. Why hang on if one is just miserable the whole time...put me out! Quitting and going out and finding a job is starting to sound better and better. At least I could afford my meds that make me not care so much about this fricken disease, and I could afford to eat the things that I enjoy. If chemo is just prolonging my life, I better be enjoying it. If I knew there was a cure a year away, that would be different. I don't know just makes me want to huck my phone against the wall. I don't want to hear I don't know anymore.
I am so blessed with my Hope. I love my family and friends, so please don't take this the wrong way. However, they are part of the I don't know. I need help, and I can't do this alone. However they just don't seem to know what to do. Neither do I, but I still keep doing anyway. I made a promise to my Hope to take care of her for a long time. I will do that. I'm not ready to die and have her go through the stress of a new home and family again. Not if I can help it. I made a promise to take care of her in the best way that I know how. She is my Hope. That meant calling someone that probably really didn't want my phone call and asking for money for her vet bill. Funny, I won't ask for myself, but I will ask for my dog. I will ask total strangers before I will ask my family for help again, or just go without. The way I felt after asking for $8 for hobo spider traps will not happen again.
I am alone by choice- because I left a bad situation that would eventually be the death of me. However, I don't want to be always alone. I do feel as if my close friends don't know this somehow. I guess I am wrong by thinking that maybe people should come visit me. Some people seem to think that it is up to me to come visit them. What isn't understood is that I am very limited on gas money and energy. I run pretty tight circles. This doesn't mean that I don't want company- it means I am broke and not traveling far, and not always feeling so hot. It does not mean that I don't want to visit with you, it means that I don't feel well or have gas to spare. Heck, I am happy for someone to come watch a movie with me, or a surprise visit to chemo. You see what happens when I don't have visits....my mind gos to sad and depressing places when left alone too much. Or pissy places, like I am at the moment. The more I think about this, the more pissy I am getting. I guess I just expect way too much out of people. I know how I THINK I would react, so isn't that just common sense? Isn't that the way we act when a loved one is in trouble? I guess not.
Please, please- if I get better, please let me retain and remember all these things! Please let me get better! I want my positive attitude back- the one where there is no doubt in my head about beating this, please bring it back!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I'm gonna love you through it by Martina McBride
I'm Gonna Love You Through It Get a case of tissue out for this one! What a beautiful song it is! Such a wonderful inspiration. However, the one thing that stands out above everything else is that I wish my husband got it. I wish that was me with my husband by my side.
A husband's view- I am blessed that he didn't care what I looked like. Just so very sad that he doesn't get that it isn't about him.
A husband's view- I am blessed that he didn't care what I looked like. Just so very sad that he doesn't get that it isn't about him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)