8 or bust

I'm on my 8th different chemo regiment I think. If not, I have lost count. How many doesn't really matter except for 2 things....none of them appear to be working, and I am losing hope after all of these. There, I said it. I just started an old school therapy called CMF on Monday.

I was pretty straight up with my doctor. This was truly the first time I walked in thinking that it was just a waste of time and my energy. I am losing faith that chemo is the answer. Is there something else out there that will get the job done? I don't know. If there is, it doesn't really feel within my reach. My doc doesn't know, and I don't have the energy to search it alone because it makes my head all crazy and scrambled. All of this makes my head crazy and scrambled. I don't want to sound like the crazy desparate lady! I feel pretty alone on the crazy lady boat. The only solution that anybody seems to know is to cut it out, and my doc doesn't think it's a grand idea, so I'm with my doctor on this one.

It is not looking good for the home team. This cancer is aggressive and still moving forward. Just for it to slow down and let me catch my breath and my sanity for awhile would be a really good thing. I asked my doctor a question , rather TOLD him what was going on in my head. I was so hoping he would tell me to calm down, get a grip and you are getting a little bit ahead of yourself. He couldn't do it. In fact, he couldn't disagree with my statement at all. My thought was pretty much that I probably don't have a lot of time left. As fast as this thing has proven itself to move- if I was to quit going in for chemo, I probably have about a year left before it takes me out. My Onc said he couldn't tell me any different. I promised him that I would try a couple of doses of CMF before I call it quits. So onward and forward- I haven't quit yet, and I haven't been sent home yet. I just pray for the strength to stay sane, and to not make my loved ones feel like shit because I am losing it.

I am also getting to the point where I feel my honesty starting to falter. I don't want to worry anyone, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I also need to not turn into a cranky old woman who says whatever she feels without any regard to how someone else might feel. This is not how I want to be remembered. I go back and forth. I can't ever decide how much info is too much info on Facebook. Disappearing sounds pretty good, but it also feels like dying...and that doesn't feel good.

Juicing

K, I have stuck with it so far- at least 1 juice a day. I am graduating to 2. I have a cooler full of produce in the garage, to keep it out of the 9 year old smoothie maker's hands...and perhaps to leave some room in the fridge for others too.

I am sticking with my apple, spinach, carrot mixture in the morning. I drank my Kirkland Weight loss shake afterwards for protein, ooh and 4 grams of fiber. Yesterday evening I jumped right in, head first I think. In went about a cup of broccoli, a tomato, 3 celery sticks, a garlic clove, and a medium size habenero. I tried to sip it while I wash washing up. It was strong and potent. I also think it separates and you may have better luck stirring. It was hot in my mouth, but not that bad.....it was when it hit my stomach was the problem. It hit like a rock, and no warning to keep it down. It was short lived, and not very painful and pretty much all that I puked up

I am gluten, went back for more this evening. I hear how important habenero is and garlic too! Tonight was the smallest habenero in my bag, a garlic clove, tomato, 2 celery sticks and 3 leaves of kale. I sipped it slowly, and made sure it didn't settle too bad. It took me as long to sip as it took to clean up. It was defiantly not as hot. The smaller habenoro might have been enough. Not letting it settle makes sense. In my mind, I think something that looks like it might be a more solid juice, maybe soaks up some of the heat a little better too? I don't know, but it is in my stomach still!

No chemo vacation

So much for a chemo vacation, dang it. I knew I jinxed it by suggesting that I might have 2 months off still. I was pretty sure that the lemon on my chest is turning into a new boob. I just didn't really think onc would take me off the hormone therapy so fast. This is really worrisome. I didn't realize that my onc is watching my lump so closely. I know he is, just not close enough to see it through my shirt. He walked in and asked about it, and motioned like he could see the growth through my shirt. I knew it seemed bigger, but his question should have prepared me. 2 cm bigger in just about a month. So I didn't get a shot today, and back onto chemo. He gave me until Monday. He also did not seem inclined to want to let me slide any past Monday either. I think I get the CMF on Monday, but I can't remember for sure. We are still on track with the female doctor in Billings. He did get a hard copy of her notes finally, and he said Mischelle and I did pretty good at remembering everything she said. Nice, we rock!
So onward and forward. Got my flu shot combo H1N1 shot today. I will call the dentist and see if I can get a short notice teeth cleaning done. Probably not. And we will see if my girl Brandy has something ready for me. I think she is working an an Ankh for my ankle.

My first juicing experience

There you have it! I got out of bed, fed Hope and got busy. While I was at Costco yesterday, I picked up a flat of organic apples, a Costco size bag of organic carrots, and a box of organic baby spinach. As you can see from the photo, a Juiceman Juicer arrived from my pink ladies on the east coast.

I was quite pleased to find that I felt like I had enough ingredients to give it a whirl. What does that mean in hind site? I have no clue, just how my head works sometimes! I was also pleased that even though leafy greens are not supposed to do well in this type of juicer, (a centrifugal juicer), my spinach seemed to do just fine. So this morning I put in 3 lg. carrots, the oldest apple in my fruit drawer, and about a cup of spinach. I think this produced about 16 oz. of juice.

For all you doubters out there, I will be the first to admit to not being very fond of fruit (too sweet), and not fond of a lot of veggies, least not cooked. All I know is that this tasted good! Not so good that I see myself craving it- least not for any other reason then I know it's good for me, but good. I started saying it didn't taste bad, and then I realized that bad really had know place in the description of this combination. All honesty really. In fact, there was only really 2 things that I disliked about the experience. 1- Not fast enough! Not the juicing part...the clean up. I think that NOT cleaning the juicer right away after is juicing is probably not good for the life of the juicer. Getting into a habit with this machine is important I think. I suppose it would probably be fine to leave it soaking in a bowl of water for a few hours, until I could get back to clean it right. I good little brush will go a long ways with the blade type piece. On a normal day though, wash it right away as I am SIPPING my juice. Book says sip, not gulp...especially with veggies. Veggie juice is stronger. The other part that sucks- I discovered it doesn't seem to count for food in my stomach before I take my vitamins. I used to be able to take them without food, but not since cancer. So is it the veggie juice being so strong that made it react hard with vitamins....or just not thick enough to coat my stomach? Hmmm, I'll have to try it differently on a different day. All I know is I did it.....now I just need to figure out an affordable routine, and how to max the benefits. I know they say as much of a raw diet as possible for fighting cancer, but I still don't see getting rid of all the good stuff completely yet. Let me start with adding first and taking away some. Baby steps!

Inspirations



May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. ~Unknown



 

This is the only answer I have for my battle. There is not much bravery involved- brave is for rescueing people out of burning buildings. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other because I love life, and this is all I know to do.

 

OK, and now this makes me want to open my blog again, of course. So much easier to post a picture then really follow this thought sometimes. For being you. Choosing to surround yourself with people who will allow such a thought, now there is a big step to the goal.

 

Happy birthday to Hope! 10/30/11

On Blue Mountain, facing the north-east towards downtown Missoula



Hope's birthday walk on Blue Mountain.



The nice man who took our picture also commented on what a long leash I had. When I said it was our training leash, he said "Wind River purple?" Just like Carrie said would happen!