And I'm still here! Really, I am...even though I took a little break from posting. I just really needed to calm myself for awhile. Trying to plan too far into the future, too many ideas on how to perfect things, caught up in too much drama still and tired of trying to force things to happen. This is the first day I have really felt like writing in awhile. Of course I want to fill you all in on what's really been going on....but I will get way too tired before I am done.
So the important part I guess is a treatment update, and a mental update. Mentally, I am feeling much better. It still goes up and down of course, and certain people really like to yank my chain. I am getting better about not letting people mess with me so bad. Those people just flat out go on ignore now, until if and when I sense a major change. That's the kind of bad juju that will not allow me to heal. I've got enough on my plate without trying to deal with other people's issues. To be honest, I am also having more depressed thoughts about not being able to beat it then I have in the past. I've been doing this for 2 years, and it is getting old. I can't let my chemo cycles dictate this depression. It happens, but I hate it when I can feel that it is the chemo effects putting me in a tail spin, as then I feel that it is out of control.
I'm getting to this place where I am getting pretty accepting of my life as I know it right now. This spot is where I need to be to heal. I just have to let go of anything that causes me stress. Yard sake, screw the yard sale as I can't do what needs to be done alone. I tried to focus on Charmine's Hope, and start trying to generate some funds via the net and tshirt sales. That was too much. I have been focusing on chemo, riding my harley when I can, visiting friends & family and training Hope. That's it...nothing is more important then that. The last 6 weeks have been a blur, as I probably spent most of 4.5 weeks in bed. Just so tired from the Ixempra. So tired as it made my counts really low. In fact....I don't even want to talk about what is too much anymore. Let's talk about what I CAN do.
So I am celebrating my 2 year battle today. Celebrating sounds odd, but I am still alive and kicking. The activities of the week include- a week break from chemo, hiking the M, and hanging at the water park yesterday. BBQ tonight is next on the list!
I got lucky with a chemo break. The doctor's choice drug on the study I am on did not work. I had a CT after 2 treatments, and my friend the mass appears to be growing still. So on to the study drug. I better make a new chart to track this one again. I should have started on Monday, but my blood counts were too low. As tired as I was, I thought that might be the problem. So we will start
CDX-011 on Monday. My clinical research lady thinks this might not be so hard as the last, but I am preparing myself that it might be. Good news is I will have another CT scan after 2 treatments again. Amazing how my energy started coming right back up immediately!
Hiking the "M"-
Mt. Sentinel
Mt. Sentinel is Missoula's mountain and the place to be for Missoula hiking. Marked with a large concrete “M,” it offers the easiest trail access and a moderately strenuous hike right in the heart of Missoula. The views of Missoula Valley can't be beat from the “M” or the summit.
Trailhead: Located right behind the University of Montana's football stadium on Campus Drive. Trailhead is well marked and offers a decent size parking lot.
- Distance-3/4 of a mile to the “M” or 1 and 3/4 of a mile to the summit. If you don't want to retrace your steps down the mountain, take the Crazy Canyon Trail into Pattee Canyon or the Hellgate Canyon Trail which links to the Kim Williams Trail taking you back into Missoula.
- Average Time of Hike- It takes about 20 minutes to reach the “M” and an hour to reach the summit, one way, depending on your fitness level.
- Elevation Gain-620 ft
- Difficulty- Due to the steepness of this trail it is mildly strenuous.
- Trail Type- Out and back trail with switchbacks.
I'm still in awe that we did it! I never thought I would have the desire to do it. We were actually looking at what we thought was an easier hike, until we were informed differently. Then we thought that we needed a longer hike, and were looking at various different ways to get to the M. By the time it was all said and done, our timing and route was just perfect. Anything else would have been too much...this was hard enough for not being in the greatest shape. Plus, we had Hope and Jess, the 9 year old. We got our view of the sunset on the M. Hope was ready to get off that hill by the time we were there. So ready, she started back down trying to drag me. Jess did great until she accidentally tried to roll down the concrete M. Luckily I was sitting below here and managed to stop her before Hope and I rolled with her! We are so proud of ourselves and are already talking about doing it again....but we were sure glad to be sitting in the truck again.
Then onto Splash yesterday. We were going to tube down the Clark Fork, but it quickly became easier to head to the water park. So much fun round and round on the Lazy River, and a couple trips down the slides with Jess. I have discovered that water makes feet with slight neuropathy feel normal again! I had a little girl float up to me to ask me if I was a boy. When I told her I had cancer, she almost got excited. I think she and her friend must have been talking about it, and she got this look like she guessed right. She must not have quite understood it all, because she had to come back and ask again. Hopefully if she ever has to deal with cancer, she will remember the nice bald lady who was having such a good day at the water park!
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Tube train!
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So there you have it. The only thing missing at the water park was a new left boob. Man, I would love to wear a "normal" bikini top again!
OK, I did it....finally posted another blog for you. Enough for now. I need to get up and move. Maybe a short putt is in my future today!
