Let's get it on... again!

OK, doc's office called today. I am scheduled for the chemo chair again on the 12th. It may last up to 6 months this time- until it shrinks, or we burn this kind out. I go into day surgery on Monday to get my friend the port back in, and a CAT scan on Wed. Here we go again, let's get it on! If I win the lotto on the study drug, I will have a new friend...a pump on for a week at a time. Chemo nurse has to hook and unhook. Good thing it has a purse, and hopefully a couple feet of line so I can toss it on the nightstand when I sleep, or over the shower bar when I shower! It is what it is.
   Boy, it is what it is is sure painful sometimes. I have lost too many great people to the big "C" in the last two years. I just lost 1 friend a week ago, after being sent home 6 weeks prior. Pancreatic cancer, spread to the liver. I was so glad to be able to be part of his life as he went through this. I will never forget the courage in his voice 2 days before he passed. His experimental drug did not work. Another friend, same kind- only diagnosed a couple of months ago, sent home the week before Christmas. Today I got a call from the Chaplain who married me. 3 year battle with throat cancer, gone and back again. I knew he had been near the radiation department a couple of months ago, and I suppose I kind of shoved the reason why to the back of my head. We have played phone/text tag since then. I am kicking myself for being too wrapped up in my own drama/bs to make a better effort then that. Anyway- it's back...and he has been sent home too. He figures he's got about a month left by the doctor's count. His spirits were strong with his face, but talking on the phone sounded painful. He said he wanted a party, so I have been making calls to see if we can't find a way to make some sort of party happen for him. He also told me he'd save me a seat at the table when I am ready! Thank god I do have another dear friend who has been battling prostrate cancer for 2 years. His second round of treatments, and that worries me. The small blessing is it is prostrate. I think that he has better odds with that kind.
  Chaplain and I were discussing how we both feel it is a blessing...in disguise of course! We both feel that if nothing else, we want to be able to find good out of this and help someone else down this road. All that we endure helps each and every doctor, even if it is a small way. We truly are guinea pigs in this battle. Hopefully every person that we meet will be touched by our experiences, and hopefully this will stick with people and make a difference somewhere down the road. To me, this gift is the biggest blessing of all. I also love how much this has opened my eyes to cancer. I was so naive before. Now I can talk to my friends that are dying, and feel comfortable with this- even if such a sad conversation. I wouldn't have known how to share my feelings before. Now we have this special bond...I can say and ask things that I never could before...and actually understand and emphasize with them. I always could before, but not like this. Somehow it doesn't feel rude or tactless, because I can truly understand now. I will take my lessons where I can get them...and with gratitude. Yes it sucks that I had to get cancer to learn it, but that's OK...it makes my knowledge that much more powerful. One has to try to find good in everything, or the bad will win!

Teapot Party

Go Willie, let's get it done once and for all! I am a legal patient- there are many silver linings of cancer. The ultimate goal in my opinion is legalization. I;m not in the mood to get on my podium, so I will leave it at that. I didn't have the patience tonight to follow all picture link directions, so I am cheating and trying it out right here.

Mini meltdown

Ok, whew- what a day! Glad the 10 o'clock news is on. I had a mini meltdown today. I have had a stack of mail to go through for days. I managed to put it off yesterday, more out of sheer avoidance then anything. I truly do not usually do that, at least not so obviously! The mail pile was loaded with business, medical, social security, and receipts of course. The worst part is, I knew that the bank accounts really needed to be balanced. Nothing in the mail box of course. I had a melt down as I was kicking and screaming about tackling the mail pile. I am just at my wits end with the pile. I am just tapped- monetarily, and emotionally. The peace of mind  that I have with my medicaid kicking in is a huge relief, don't get me wrong. I am so very appreciative of that. That will keep me from going off the deep end. One step at a time and I will get through this.
   I am online looking at Cricut machines. I have wanted some sort of a website that I could make money off of four years. To sell something, but just can't ever land on what I am able to learn, and commit to. My financial position is such, that I really need to figure out how to generate income...and fast. Could I sit home all day and create stuff, and sell it online? I think so. I need to lose some of the garbage of the stress of how am I going to deal with this. That stress will kill me in the long run. So what can I do different?
  Part of the idea of this blog is also to figure out how to generate an income. I am trying to figure out google adsense. For those of you  unfamiliar, google will pay me to put ads on this blog, and they will pay me for people clicking on these ads. At least I believe that is the jist of it. I know these ads bother some readers, but it is what I need to do for me. Eventually, I would like to have a real website, that I can sell my ideas/products through. This blog will have to do for now, as a way of reaching out and seeing what is available to me. Baby steps, or I won't get anything done! Time to quit spinning my wheels and put my big girl boots on!

Oh, but I forgot the best news!

When I walked into my doctor's appointment last week, they charged me $4! Hip hip hooray! My medicaid finally kicked in. I'm not used to forking over ANY money, but then I get a huge bill in the mail. My surgeon and  the chemo part of the cancer center don't take payment plans, so you can guess where that bill ended up :(

Who needs hair anyways?

Well, it looks like I am going back in the chair for the second winter in a row :( My 6 week check up was last Thursday. Last weekend I felt my lymph node. This time it was easier to find, though I was hoping it was my imagination. Doc said the same thing, PLUS now the mass is .05 cm bigger when he measured it. We were laughing because I was amazed at how much trust he puts in his calipers. Just seems like it would be hard to be accurate. He said if it was something like .03- he wouldn't worry about it. .05 is pretty good difference when it comes to tumors.
  So he immediately took me off the Zeloda, as it obviously isn't working anymore. He wants me to participate in a trial study. He thinks I need to go back in the chair. He had me meet with the clinical research lady before I left. She talked with me for awhile, and left me with a sheaf of papers to study. My gut instinct is go for it. She told me to study up and call her with any questions, and when I have made up my mind. I'm 99.9% made up.
  The jist of the study is this. He wants to put me on Docetaxol anyways, which is FDA approved chemotherapy. The study would be randomly selected to do Docetaxol alone, or in combination with this YZwhatever drug. The side effects of the Docetaxol look like a combination of the 2 different rounds I did before. Meaning nausea plus mouth sores plus achy joints plus low blood counts plus tired plus hair loss. The study drug alone doesn't seem to have as many side effects, but it has also only been tested on less then 200 people. The combined study side effects don't really look any worse then what he wants to give me anyways. Yes, it probably won't be very pleasant. If I win the study drug lotto- that means a chemo pump for a week on, in addition to a injection in the chair- for whatever length of time is determined. They have to put a port back in, ugh. I oughtta be a pro at it by now though- it's old hat! I can back out at anytime that it seems too much. Theoretically, it shouldn't cost me more money.
  The silver lining is that they will run tons of tests on me. More to make sure that my organs are healthy enough to tolerate treatment, and a much monitoring through out. I think they will see me more often then last time. They will watch me very close, so we will have a better picture of what is going on with me. What's the worse that can happen...it doesn't work again? The second best that can happen is I can help the future, by being a guinea pig. This stuff can't get approved without human patients. So if this gives me a chance to make a difference for someone else down the road- I am all for it. So I guess it is a good thing that I haven't gone out and spent a fortune on my hair!
  So I will think on this for a couple more days, but I believe the answer is yes. Get past the New Year, and off we go again. I can do this, but yes it is getting scarier the longer this goes on. I thought it would go away, and I wouldn't have to worry about this again for years to come. My other experiences with Stage 4 cancer haven't been so hot. I know I am not those people, but then that makes it sound like I am something special. Cancer doesn't care who you are or how special you are. The people you choose to surround yourself with can sure make up for that though!

Charmine's Hope

Ok folks, so I decided that it was time to get to work on a bucket list. I know the name is really bothering some of my loved ones, and my apologies- I'm not changing it. I don't look at it like I am dying, just some stuff I want to make sure to do before that time comes. It is my list after all, so I should call it what I like.

  So I got a dog. Not just any dog, but a dog that I have always wanted- a pit bull. I fell in love with a couple of pit bulls when I was 21. I have always wanted one since. Any pittie I have ever met has been  so very sweet. The time was just never right- too busy riding harleys, and not ready for the extra responsibility. Well I met a pouty lipped pittie in Butte a few weeks ago. It's owner reminded me what good therapy dogs were, and then I couldn't get it out of my head. I started searching the net for a rescue dog as soon as I got home. All I knew was I wanted a female with pouty lips, that was old enough to know better, gets  along good with other animals, and preferably purebred.
  About the 4rd day I started getting serious. I found a female in a southern ID shelter. Her ad was basic- 3-5 year old female, American Staffordshire Terrier mix- scheduled to be euthenized on11/6. I emailed them, and went to bed. First thing in the morning, I am back on my search...forgetting about this good looking girl. I was talking to a lady up north, who had a black mix puppy, but I really didn't want a puppy. Hubby reminded me about the girl in southern ID. I called the shelter, and talked to a man who said she was still alive. I reassured me that she was great with cats, dogs and people, but she would be put down on Sunday. This was Thursday. I felt a little nervous, as it felt like he was blowing smoke to get me to come get her. I couldn't understand why they were going to put her down if she was so great. But I couldn't leave her there to die either. So I had my friend call back down there. He talked to a woman, and she gave the same story. She just said that she was an owner drop off, and didn't know why...owner just didn't want her anymore.
   HMMM, still nervous- but she sounded perfect. We decided I would just get in the truck and drive. The shelter would be closed by the time that I got there. They gave me  the animal control officer's cell number, and he would let me into the shelter. So into the truck I went, and I drove 6.5 hours to ID to go get her. We figured if she really wasn't working out- that we would find her a better home. The important part was getting her off death row. I got there a just after 7 pm. Sure enough, the officer and his wife came down to meet me.
   So we go back in the kennels, and everybody is barking...except for the little black girl who's cage we found. Her bowl was empty, and she was more interested in eating the boxer's food in the cage next door. She finally got interested in me, but was quiet while everybody else was barking away. She started pulling as soon as she was out and on her leash. She had to check out the little rat dog in the carrier cage. I  decided on her name while I was waiting for the lady to find a leash. I was hooked already, and I decided right then and there that she was staying with me. I figure she's got a good 12 years left, and I will do the best I can to take care of her. So the deal is this- her name is Hope, and I'm going to out live her! I was also interested in learning about therapy dogs. The lady asked me if she had a name, and I said Hope unless she already had one. Then I explained to her why she was my bucket list dog. By the time I got back inside to sign papers, her husband asked me if she was a bucket list dog. When I said yes, he handed me her papers, her care package...and my $60 adoption fee back. I said my thank yous and boogied out of there before the waterworks started.

  It was a long drive home, but I had my Hope for company! I think it dropped down to 4 degrees at the top of Monida Pass at about 11:30. I stayed awake without any late evening energy drinks. Just meant I got to get to know Hope every time we stopped for pee breaks and walked. Boy she is strong! I am so very happy with her size...any more might be too much work when I am down for the count from chemo. She did pretty good in the truck, though she didn't want to load up on her own. I imagine the last time she got in a rig, she went to the pound. She paced a little bit between the seats, but not bad. She even drug her treat bag up on  the seat. I didn't even know she knew it was there. We made it home at about 2:45 am. I jumped in bed asap, and 2 seconds later- she was on her back, with her head on the pillow like she belonged there. I don't believe beds and couches are new to this one...she got up there like a pro. I had truely forgotten what couch hogs, and awesome snugglers that they are. Just exactly what the doctor would order, I am sure! I am hooked on my new girl, she is just perfect...Charmine's Hope