Alone with my thoughts, and I am sad. The tears are real coming down my face, so they must be there for a reason. Maybe a little lonely, maybe a little stir crazy, maybe a little scared. Aha, scared...seems to resonate, but why? Scared because....I don't know if I am doing the right thing, whatever that is? Sometimes we need reassurance that we are on the right path, and headed the right direction. Is 1 to person reassuring you enough, or does it depend on the type of relationship you have with that person? Am I supposed to be a big girl who does all her reassuring for herself? I feel like nobody knows, including myself. The docs all say they will do their best, as I am too young. What about the 80 year olds, they better get your best too!
I am still not satisfied with the "I don't know" regarding the mass on my chest. My dad thinks I have it stuck in my mind that an error was made, and I won't be satisfied until an error really pops up. Hmmm, maybe I have chemo brain and can't remember all of the conversation. Entirely possible, but I think the real culprit is a s simple as I don't understand. There is a lot about this disease that I don't understand. I have been soaking it all in the last 2 years when I want am and capable of it. Everything is not always important at every moment. I keep coming back to this though. Today I read something about secondary cancers caused by radiation. Guess where my mind went? Yep, right there....maybe that's where that mass came from. The mass that I can't currently differentiate between scar tissue and cancer. Which goes into, maybe I do need a second opinion. Nobody seems to think that I do, and in fact, no one is even encouraging me to for the sake of peace of mind. In all reality, if I thought that I could get a totally unrelated second opinion- I wouldn't mind. How do I go about this? I want an opinion outside of Missoula. If one is going to go for a second opinion, shouldn't you go for the best? Who is this, and how do I afford to get there?
Next bothering me....I can't just take a day and veg out in my pajamas without feeling like I am doing something wrong. Whether it's in my own head, or someone else's. For my own thoughts, I may be having a problem deciding whether I am depressed, or really just not feeling so hot. I say both, and to rest when I feel like I should. My parent's solution is to get a job. It would keep me busy and help with the money situation. That really just grinds at me. Other people work, and they must feel much worse then me. I don't feel that bad. Jobs are not that easy to come by, and I would much rather do a job that is fulfilling instead of any old job to survive. I get what I need to get done, done. Then I am done. I can't imagine trying to go to work on top of it all. All, like I do so much. Makes me feel more like I am lazy or depressed. There should be a test to gauge how I am really feeling, instead of trying to weed through tough girl attitude.
Let's see, my ex-husband says I am sitting here dying. That's nice to know, as I was not aware of this. I don't feel like I am. I need a test again- dying or just recouping still from married life? Hopefully I won't get chewed out for writing this, and all will be fine. I couldn't "fix" things there either, so I did fix it. I moved.
I have a hard time accepting that there is no fix. Funny part is, I can do that with cancer- as it mostly is out of my control. I understand that health related things, that may be the case. When it comes to money or love, there is always a fix....you just may not like the fix. Am I just talking to the wrong people, or am I really just supposed to keep riding this out and try not to worry? I don't even really make any sense right now. I just feel so much pressure to make the right decision. What decision you ask, hell if I know. Maybe it is because I feel so alone in all these decisions, once again...all what decisions?
Maybe the real root of the problem is I feel alone. Not really lonely, as I am in a houseful. Just maybe alone in the fact that unless you are walking in these shoes, maybe it is pretty hard to understand. Maybe when I tell people how I am doing, I am too strong about it? Crap, I don't know! Alone as in my family is 2 hours away. If I lived there, I would love to go visit...for 3 hours and drive back down the street to go home to my own bed where I am surrounded by the things that make me comfortable. I know that I need to get out more, as it does make me feel better. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy!
I feel like I am stuck in a bubble full of excuses, but I do not believe I am just waiting to die. Now I just need to figure out how to differentiate between excuses and reality. I no longer have total control over my reality, but that doesn't mean that I have none!
OK, time for an Ativan and a movie. I have rambled on so long, that I don't even make sense to myself. How can I make sense to others in this confused state?
I am still not satisfied with the "I don't know" regarding the mass on my chest. My dad thinks I have it stuck in my mind that an error was made, and I won't be satisfied until an error really pops up. Hmmm, maybe I have chemo brain and can't remember all of the conversation. Entirely possible, but I think the real culprit is a s simple as I don't understand. There is a lot about this disease that I don't understand. I have been soaking it all in the last 2 years when I want am and capable of it. Everything is not always important at every moment. I keep coming back to this though. Today I read something about secondary cancers caused by radiation. Guess where my mind went? Yep, right there....maybe that's where that mass came from. The mass that I can't currently differentiate between scar tissue and cancer. Which goes into, maybe I do need a second opinion. Nobody seems to think that I do, and in fact, no one is even encouraging me to for the sake of peace of mind. In all reality, if I thought that I could get a totally unrelated second opinion- I wouldn't mind. How do I go about this? I want an opinion outside of Missoula. If one is going to go for a second opinion, shouldn't you go for the best? Who is this, and how do I afford to get there?
Next bothering me....I can't just take a day and veg out in my pajamas without feeling like I am doing something wrong. Whether it's in my own head, or someone else's. For my own thoughts, I may be having a problem deciding whether I am depressed, or really just not feeling so hot. I say both, and to rest when I feel like I should. My parent's solution is to get a job. It would keep me busy and help with the money situation. That really just grinds at me. Other people work, and they must feel much worse then me. I don't feel that bad. Jobs are not that easy to come by, and I would much rather do a job that is fulfilling instead of any old job to survive. I get what I need to get done, done. Then I am done. I can't imagine trying to go to work on top of it all. All, like I do so much. Makes me feel more like I am lazy or depressed. There should be a test to gauge how I am really feeling, instead of trying to weed through tough girl attitude.
Let's see, my ex-husband says I am sitting here dying. That's nice to know, as I was not aware of this. I don't feel like I am. I need a test again- dying or just recouping still from married life? Hopefully I won't get chewed out for writing this, and all will be fine. I couldn't "fix" things there either, so I did fix it. I moved.
I have a hard time accepting that there is no fix. Funny part is, I can do that with cancer- as it mostly is out of my control. I understand that health related things, that may be the case. When it comes to money or love, there is always a fix....you just may not like the fix. Am I just talking to the wrong people, or am I really just supposed to keep riding this out and try not to worry? I don't even really make any sense right now. I just feel so much pressure to make the right decision. What decision you ask, hell if I know. Maybe it is because I feel so alone in all these decisions, once again...all what decisions?
Maybe the real root of the problem is I feel alone. Not really lonely, as I am in a houseful. Just maybe alone in the fact that unless you are walking in these shoes, maybe it is pretty hard to understand. Maybe when I tell people how I am doing, I am too strong about it? Crap, I don't know! Alone as in my family is 2 hours away. If I lived there, I would love to go visit...for 3 hours and drive back down the street to go home to my own bed where I am surrounded by the things that make me comfortable. I know that I need to get out more, as it does make me feel better. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy!
I feel like I am stuck in a bubble full of excuses, but I do not believe I am just waiting to die. Now I just need to figure out how to differentiate between excuses and reality. I no longer have total control over my reality, but that doesn't mean that I have none!
OK, time for an Ativan and a movie. I have rambled on so long, that I don't even make sense to myself. How can I make sense to others in this confused state?
Dear Charmine, Anyone dealing with cancer understands... completely... i understand... Don't expect those not dealing with it themselves to understand... i understand how one minute you feel scared and another you feel fine (Fine enough to tell your friends, family & doc/s that) i understand that you cannot go out & find a new job... neither can i! (That is difficult at the best of times, even when you are well!) i understand that you want a second opinion... GET ONE! You must have total confidence in your Doc's and remember a GOOD doc won't mind! i understand that you have your own idea's about what is happening to you, TRUST that! i understand that you needed to leave your marriage and i admire your courage... You needed to do that for your health... That is s good thing! It means you are strong and the strong get well! Btw about 'him' saying that you are lying around dying... Poppy cok! What does he know??? Really does he have what you have??? i decided to say to myself that i am on 'holidays'... that i have this illness for a reason and that it is time to put into me emotionally... and that requires time... i have much to move through and it will take as much time as it took to develop this damn illness... But remember YOU are NOT your illness and cancer does NOT = death... Cancer is as dangerous as the common cold (& even that can kill you too!) and most people walk around until ripe old ages with cancer, they just don't know it! So they don't die of it... Our bodies listen to our hearts... We just have to learn to change our language... (((Hugs))) and much ~Love~ to you xox
ReplyDeleteThank you Nolly, that helps! Somedays you just have to get it out, then it doesn't seem so huge. The hard part these days seems to be finding the proper person to confide in. Curently the things bubbling up the most in my brain either feel like they will hurt somebody's feelings in a bad way, or just flat out come across as whining. Things really can be a lot worse! I'm OK with whining if I have a solution, but no solution just sounds like change it or get over it. I like the holiday idea. That's how I tried to look at it originally, but it was much easier when there was someone there to help pick up the pieces. Hugs backatcha!
ReplyDeleteIf you need to whine... i am here <3
ReplyDelete(Ps) i have started walking once a day around my local footy ground... Fresh air is gOOd i agrEE! X:-)