Alone with my thoughts, and I am sad. The tears are real coming down my face, so they must be there for a reason. Maybe a little lonely, maybe a little stir crazy, maybe a little scared. Aha, scared...seems to resonate, but why? Scared because....I don't know if I am doing the right thing, whatever that is? Sometimes we need reassurance that we are on the right path, and headed the right direction. Is 1 to person reassuring you enough, or does it depend on the type of relationship you have with that person? Am I supposed to be a big girl who does all her reassuring for herself? I feel like nobody knows, including myself. The docs all say they will do their best, as I am too young. What about the 80 year olds, they better get your best too!
I am still not satisfied with the "I don't know" regarding the mass on my chest. My dad thinks I have it stuck in my mind that an error was made, and I won't be satisfied until an error really pops up. Hmmm, maybe I have chemo brain and can't remember all of the conversation. Entirely possible, but I think the real culprit is a s simple as I don't understand. There is a lot about this disease that I don't understand. I have been soaking it all in the last 2 years when I want am and capable of it. Everything is not always important at every moment. I keep coming back to this though. Today I read something about secondary cancers caused by radiation. Guess where my mind went? Yep, right there....maybe that's where that mass came from. The mass that I can't currently differentiate between scar tissue and cancer. Which goes into, maybe I do need a second opinion. Nobody seems to think that I do, and in fact, no one is even encouraging me to for the sake of peace of mind. In all reality, if I thought that I could get a totally unrelated second opinion- I wouldn't mind. How do I go about this? I want an opinion outside of Missoula. If one is going to go for a second opinion, shouldn't you go for the best? Who is this, and how do I afford to get there?
Next bothering me....I can't just take a day and veg out in my pajamas without feeling like I am doing something wrong. Whether it's in my own head, or someone else's. For my own thoughts, I may be having a problem deciding whether I am depressed, or really just not feeling so hot. I say both, and to rest when I feel like I should. My parent's solution is to get a job. It would keep me busy and help with the money situation. That really just grinds at me. Other people work, and they must feel much worse then me. I don't feel that bad. Jobs are not that easy to come by, and I would much rather do a job that is fulfilling instead of any old job to survive. I get what I need to get done, done. Then I am done. I can't imagine trying to go to work on top of it all. All, like I do so much. Makes me feel more like I am lazy or depressed. There should be a test to gauge how I am really feeling, instead of trying to weed through tough girl attitude.
Let's see, my ex-husband says I am sitting here dying. That's nice to know, as I was not aware of this. I don't feel like I am. I need a test again- dying or just recouping still from married life? Hopefully I won't get chewed out for writing this, and all will be fine. I couldn't "fix" things there either, so I did fix it. I moved.
I have a hard time accepting that there is no fix. Funny part is, I can do that with cancer- as it mostly is out of my control. I understand that health related things, that may be the case. When it comes to money or love, there is always a fix....you just may not like the fix. Am I just talking to the wrong people, or am I really just supposed to keep riding this out and try not to worry? I don't even really make any sense right now. I just feel so much pressure to make the right decision. What decision you ask, hell if I know. Maybe it is because I feel so alone in all these decisions, once again...all what decisions?
Maybe the real root of the problem is I feel alone. Not really lonely, as I am in a houseful. Just maybe alone in the fact that unless you are walking in these shoes, maybe it is pretty hard to understand. Maybe when I tell people how I am doing, I am too strong about it? Crap, I don't know! Alone as in my family is 2 hours away. If I lived there, I would love to go visit...for 3 hours and drive back down the street to go home to my own bed where I am surrounded by the things that make me comfortable. I know that I need to get out more, as it does make me feel better. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy!
I feel like I am stuck in a bubble full of excuses, but I do not believe I am just waiting to die. Now I just need to figure out how to differentiate between excuses and reality. I no longer have total control over my reality, but that doesn't mean that I have none!
OK, time for an Ativan and a movie. I have rambled on so long, that I don't even make sense to myself. How can I make sense to others in this confused state?
I am still not satisfied with the "I don't know" regarding the mass on my chest. My dad thinks I have it stuck in my mind that an error was made, and I won't be satisfied until an error really pops up. Hmmm, maybe I have chemo brain and can't remember all of the conversation. Entirely possible, but I think the real culprit is a s simple as I don't understand. There is a lot about this disease that I don't understand. I have been soaking it all in the last 2 years when I want am and capable of it. Everything is not always important at every moment. I keep coming back to this though. Today I read something about secondary cancers caused by radiation. Guess where my mind went? Yep, right there....maybe that's where that mass came from. The mass that I can't currently differentiate between scar tissue and cancer. Which goes into, maybe I do need a second opinion. Nobody seems to think that I do, and in fact, no one is even encouraging me to for the sake of peace of mind. In all reality, if I thought that I could get a totally unrelated second opinion- I wouldn't mind. How do I go about this? I want an opinion outside of Missoula. If one is going to go for a second opinion, shouldn't you go for the best? Who is this, and how do I afford to get there?
Next bothering me....I can't just take a day and veg out in my pajamas without feeling like I am doing something wrong. Whether it's in my own head, or someone else's. For my own thoughts, I may be having a problem deciding whether I am depressed, or really just not feeling so hot. I say both, and to rest when I feel like I should. My parent's solution is to get a job. It would keep me busy and help with the money situation. That really just grinds at me. Other people work, and they must feel much worse then me. I don't feel that bad. Jobs are not that easy to come by, and I would much rather do a job that is fulfilling instead of any old job to survive. I get what I need to get done, done. Then I am done. I can't imagine trying to go to work on top of it all. All, like I do so much. Makes me feel more like I am lazy or depressed. There should be a test to gauge how I am really feeling, instead of trying to weed through tough girl attitude.
Let's see, my ex-husband says I am sitting here dying. That's nice to know, as I was not aware of this. I don't feel like I am. I need a test again- dying or just recouping still from married life? Hopefully I won't get chewed out for writing this, and all will be fine. I couldn't "fix" things there either, so I did fix it. I moved.
I have a hard time accepting that there is no fix. Funny part is, I can do that with cancer- as it mostly is out of my control. I understand that health related things, that may be the case. When it comes to money or love, there is always a fix....you just may not like the fix. Am I just talking to the wrong people, or am I really just supposed to keep riding this out and try not to worry? I don't even really make any sense right now. I just feel so much pressure to make the right decision. What decision you ask, hell if I know. Maybe it is because I feel so alone in all these decisions, once again...all what decisions?
Maybe the real root of the problem is I feel alone. Not really lonely, as I am in a houseful. Just maybe alone in the fact that unless you are walking in these shoes, maybe it is pretty hard to understand. Maybe when I tell people how I am doing, I am too strong about it? Crap, I don't know! Alone as in my family is 2 hours away. If I lived there, I would love to go visit...for 3 hours and drive back down the street to go home to my own bed where I am surrounded by the things that make me comfortable. I know that I need to get out more, as it does make me feel better. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy!
I feel like I am stuck in a bubble full of excuses, but I do not believe I am just waiting to die. Now I just need to figure out how to differentiate between excuses and reality. I no longer have total control over my reality, but that doesn't mean that I have none!
OK, time for an Ativan and a movie. I have rambled on so long, that I don't even make sense to myself. How can I make sense to others in this confused state?
