I'm on my 8th different chemo regiment I think. If not, I have lost count. How many doesn't really matter except for 2 things....none of them appear to be working, and I am losing hope after all of these. There, I said it. I just started an old school therapy called CMF on Monday.
I was pretty straight up with my doctor. This was truly the first time I walked in thinking that it was just a waste of time and my energy. I am losing faith that chemo is the answer. Is there something else out there that will get the job done? I don't know. If there is, it doesn't really feel within my reach. My doc doesn't know, and I don't have the energy to search it alone because it makes my head all crazy and scrambled. All of this makes my head crazy and scrambled. I don't want to sound like the crazy desparate lady! I feel pretty alone on the crazy lady boat. The only solution that anybody seems to know is to cut it out, and my doc doesn't think it's a grand idea, so I'm with my doctor on this one.
It is not looking good for the home team. This cancer is aggressive and still moving forward. Just for it to slow down and let me catch my breath and my sanity for awhile would be a really good thing. I asked my doctor a question , rather TOLD him what was going on in my head. I was so hoping he would tell me to calm down, get a grip and you are getting a little bit ahead of yourself. He couldn't do it. In fact, he couldn't disagree with my statement at all. My thought was pretty much that I probably don't have a lot of time left. As fast as this thing has proven itself to move- if I was to quit going in for chemo, I probably have about a year left before it takes me out. My Onc said he couldn't tell me any different. I promised him that I would try a couple of doses of CMF before I call it quits. So onward and forward- I haven't quit yet, and I haven't been sent home yet. I just pray for the strength to stay sane, and to not make my loved ones feel like shit because I am losing it.
I am also getting to the point where I feel my honesty starting to falter. I don't want to worry anyone, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I also need to not turn into a cranky old woman who says whatever she feels without any regard to how someone else might feel. This is not how I want to be remembered. I go back and forth. I can't ever decide how much info is too much info on Facebook. Disappearing sounds pretty good, but it also feels like dying...and that doesn't feel good.
I was pretty straight up with my doctor. This was truly the first time I walked in thinking that it was just a waste of time and my energy. I am losing faith that chemo is the answer. Is there something else out there that will get the job done? I don't know. If there is, it doesn't really feel within my reach. My doc doesn't know, and I don't have the energy to search it alone because it makes my head all crazy and scrambled. All of this makes my head crazy and scrambled. I don't want to sound like the crazy desparate lady! I feel pretty alone on the crazy lady boat. The only solution that anybody seems to know is to cut it out, and my doc doesn't think it's a grand idea, so I'm with my doctor on this one.
It is not looking good for the home team. This cancer is aggressive and still moving forward. Just for it to slow down and let me catch my breath and my sanity for awhile would be a really good thing. I asked my doctor a question , rather TOLD him what was going on in my head. I was so hoping he would tell me to calm down, get a grip and you are getting a little bit ahead of yourself. He couldn't do it. In fact, he couldn't disagree with my statement at all. My thought was pretty much that I probably don't have a lot of time left. As fast as this thing has proven itself to move- if I was to quit going in for chemo, I probably have about a year left before it takes me out. My Onc said he couldn't tell me any different. I promised him that I would try a couple of doses of CMF before I call it quits. So onward and forward- I haven't quit yet, and I haven't been sent home yet. I just pray for the strength to stay sane, and to not make my loved ones feel like shit because I am losing it.
I am also getting to the point where I feel my honesty starting to falter. I don't want to worry anyone, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I also need to not turn into a cranky old woman who says whatever she feels without any regard to how someone else might feel. This is not how I want to be remembered. I go back and forth. I can't ever decide how much info is too much info on Facebook. Disappearing sounds pretty good, but it also feels like dying...and that doesn't feel good.
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