Sunday, January 03, 2010 Am I lonely in the chair?

Sunday, January 03, 2010 Am I lonely in the chair?


Current mood: blessed

Awh, you guys are so sweet! Did I sound like I was lonely? Funny things happen when we are alone sometimes. Sometimes without any distractions, or responsibilities...we get to learn about ourselves, and others too! I haven't had tons of alone time since I started this. I believe one thinks about different things when alone, or a differenet quality of things when alone. I was surrounded by male doctors and nurses when we first started this. I felt I had to be so strong for everyone else, which included me. When I sat in the physical therapists chair...it was different. She was female, and had such a different way about her. She walked out of the room and came back and I was crying. Not over anything new and different, just crying...for me, for the situation I was in, for relief that I was ABLE to cry, that I was alone and had a moment for me to soak it all in. Relief that I was able to cry, as I was getting scared that I wasn't dealing with it because I hadn't cried much. She seemed to understand that all and just listened and let me be for a moment. Anybody else would probably be worried about how to "fix" it. Sometimes fixing it just means letting things be, and let one find their own conclusion.

I have never sat with someone through chemo before. I probably should have, shame on me but I did not. I lost a couple of friends to cancer last year, and my mom went through breast cancer 10 years ago. Where was I? Off living my life, partying and being self involved...or something like that. I'm hoping there a better reasons then that for why I wasn't involved, as that sounds pretty rotten. I resolve not to beat myself up about that, and take what I have learned and go forward with it. My mom still loves me, and that's all that matters. She has been one of my biggest sources of support through this...just wished she lived closer so I could visit her.

My husband has been the best at holding my hand through chemo. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't, but I am so blessed to have him everday. It means the world to me that he doesn't schedule work during chemo if he can help it, and that he is there to drive me home. Lot's of people have volunteered, but he isn't going to let them. I flip through magazines or surf the net while he is there, but I don't get totally absorbed in whatever it is until he goes for lunch. I get to distracted, and still want to take care of him, even if it is just entertaining him by being a dork. I don't know how to be any other way. I let him get me tea sometimes, and that is getting easier. Who woulda thought that could be so hard for such an independent girl?

Next time I will go sit with a friend in chemo. It is much more scary for whomever is in the chair. It is so important to make the time. Especially if someone takes the time to ask me to come...I will do my best to be there! Unless I know that someone really wants the company though, I will make it short...bring a cheeseburger, an iced frappichino, or maybe a new cooking magazine. Long enough to say hi and keep you company for a few, but short enough to give you some alone time. Or some time to visit with the other patients too. Several times I have wanted to visit with others, but I felt I was being rude to those sitting with me, or the other person in the chair had too much of their own company.