On the other hand, this is so contradictory from my newest mantra- which is just let it be, just worry about today. Live for today and dream big- a little bit confusing maybe?
Friday, October 14, 2011
Dreams
On the other hand, this is so contradictory from my newest mantra- which is just let it be, just worry about today. Live for today and dream big- a little bit confusing maybe?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My visit to the Billings Clinic Cancer Center
OK folks, here we go. My apologies for torturing you all, it has just been a really exhausting couple of weeks between sudden yard sale and the trip. I am feeling a bit more lively and clear headed today.
So my roomie and I made a 5.5 hour trip each way to go to Billings Clinic Cancer Center on Tuesday. They have a beautiful new cancer center that was just added onto the clinic. I believe it just opened in August.
First impression of doctor, why is it this one didn't appear to have opened my huge file before she walked in the door either? I don't get this, and this is not the first time I have felt this. However the last person to do this did take great care of me I thought. The look on M's and I's face was priceless I'm sure, when she asked, "What is it you are wanting me to do for you?"
So the good news is what I was hoping for, she saw that all my treatment thus far looked appropriate. She does think that the Faslodex (hormonal therapy) is worth a crud though. I will take it for now, seeing how it's too late to take the shot back. As long as I can handle it, something must be better then nothing at the rate this baby is growing. For now meaning until we figure out the next best step.
So now my next step is, I scheduled an office visit with my Onc to talk about this. (The doc I saw in Billings is new to the clinic, but not new to oncology. She came from the east coast. Actually, what she said was, if she could get me to NY, she would recommend that I go see a particular doctor At Cornell-NY Hospital that she knew that had some great results with the regiments that she works.) I am going to request another biopsy done on my lemon on my chest. Apparently tumors have been known to change their expression. Meaning I am my cancer feeds off the estrogen that my body produces. This could have changed up to progesterone positive, but H says that is rare. If it did change up, that means that opens up a lot more drugs that have possibilities.
Another option to discuss, is if I am still releasing high amounts estrogen. I'm still a little shaky on some of this info, so I might be a little off. My understanding is if your estrogen is really high, they can do a Oophoroectomy. This is when they poke to holes in your belly and pull out your ovaries. As far as I can tell, I have no use for my ovaries. The odds of me ever having children now are about 99.9% chance not going to happen- by choice, and thanks to chemo. Some people are afraid of what this will do to their moods. Me- I worry very much that my head is on straight. I am willing to take a chance and lose my ovaries if this becomes a viable option. That sounds better then the moods that the chemo and cancer not going away is doing to me! I now it is estrogen fueling this, but no one has ever talked to me about how high they are. In my mind it makes sense. This stuff is growing very fast, so maybe I do produce very high levels estrogen. I'm not positive, but I think I read that stress alone will do that. So it stands to reason that this may be the case. My stress is still there, just the cause is shifting. It is getting better, and I keep plugging away trying to make the necessary changes to get rid of it. It just takes time and is still a work in progress.
Let's see- she likes tumor markers, which my Onc does not use. I am going to ask him if we can use tumor markers additionally. For his purposes, it may not be a big deal. For my purposes I would like him to use markers. Except for my purposes, theoretically I should not be on any other treatment because how would we if it was my doctor's regiment, or my regiment that was making the difference.
Additionally, she recommended getting tested to make sure I am post-menopausal instead of basing it on not bleeding for a year. She said to check my Vitamin D level also. I got lost there, as I don't now if this shows in my labs, or what the correct level is. Other then that, she did name a couple of chemos regiments that we have not done, that she thinks are still effective, even though they are old-school. These are Doxil (Liposomal adriamycin?) and CMF (cytoxan methotrexate).
Ok great- so what does all this mean you ask? I don't know, but it is bad shit period. We have got to get this under control! My left shoulder is starting to hurt a little, most likely due to all the stuff growing on my chest, under collar bone, and up my neck. Lortab 5 still takes care of it, but I don't like taking all the addictive pills. I'm going to beat this, but I don't want to be an addict by the time it is all over. The part that really is starting to bother me, is how many different kinds of chemo we have tried. This doctor is as bothered as everyone else seems to be regarding the effectiveness of the Docetaxol, and how it made it grow so fast. If we don't get a grip on this and keep trying chemo, eventually the chemo will kill me. I am lucky my system is still strong, but it is taking a toll even if it is not so obvious.
My mind still goes back to cannabis as a solution. Maybe it doesn't work for all, but I just have a hard time believing that all these people believe in something that doesn't work. I have also just recently been told that the effectiveness off cannabis oil has the tendency to diminish with the more chemo one undergoes. The other thing that really makes sense to me, and I can't figure out how to make it happen is my diet of course. Once again this doc recommended a raw and organic diet as much as possible. These two solutions make me just want to ball up in a flippin' corner and cry! I just can't see that either of these solutions are in my reach, due to finances. The diet being the cheaper of the two, but harder to accomplish probably. Tastes good and affordable has been my diet still. I haven't felt like cooking much. Oh, to have my own healthy private chef! Which is not going to happen. I wonder what would happen if I could get my head a little more clear and focused, came off of chemo and start getting to feel more energetic, and focus on a cannabis oil and diet regiment. I can't stop myself from thinking that this may sound like a better option then more chemo by this point in the game. It's not going to hurt me. The chemo will eventually take me out if it doesn't fix it.
So that's where we are at folks. I wish it was better news, but at least it is not worse. It is still as bad as I thought that it was. I think I am hungry for tacos again. Why tacos? I can't get rid of my taco craving. Taco Bell is not real tacos, but it solves the craving fast!
So my roomie and I made a 5.5 hour trip each way to go to Billings Clinic Cancer Center on Tuesday. They have a beautiful new cancer center that was just added onto the clinic. I believe it just opened in August.
First impression of doctor, why is it this one didn't appear to have opened my huge file before she walked in the door either? I don't get this, and this is not the first time I have felt this. However the last person to do this did take great care of me I thought. The look on M's and I's face was priceless I'm sure, when she asked, "What is it you are wanting me to do for you?"
So the good news is what I was hoping for, she saw that all my treatment thus far looked appropriate. She does think that the Faslodex (hormonal therapy) is worth a crud though. I will take it for now, seeing how it's too late to take the shot back. As long as I can handle it, something must be better then nothing at the rate this baby is growing. For now meaning until we figure out the next best step.
So now my next step is, I scheduled an office visit with my Onc to talk about this. (The doc I saw in Billings is new to the clinic, but not new to oncology. She came from the east coast. Actually, what she said was, if she could get me to NY, she would recommend that I go see a particular doctor At Cornell-NY Hospital that she knew that had some great results with the regiments that she works.) I am going to request another biopsy done on my lemon on my chest. Apparently tumors have been known to change their expression. Meaning I am my cancer feeds off the estrogen that my body produces. This could have changed up to progesterone positive, but H says that is rare. If it did change up, that means that opens up a lot more drugs that have possibilities.
Another option to discuss, is if I am still releasing high amounts estrogen. I'm still a little shaky on some of this info, so I might be a little off. My understanding is if your estrogen is really high, they can do a Oophoroectomy. This is when they poke to holes in your belly and pull out your ovaries. As far as I can tell, I have no use for my ovaries. The odds of me ever having children now are about 99.9% chance not going to happen- by choice, and thanks to chemo. Some people are afraid of what this will do to their moods. Me- I worry very much that my head is on straight. I am willing to take a chance and lose my ovaries if this becomes a viable option. That sounds better then the moods that the chemo and cancer not going away is doing to me! I now it is estrogen fueling this, but no one has ever talked to me about how high they are. In my mind it makes sense. This stuff is growing very fast, so maybe I do produce very high levels estrogen. I'm not positive, but I think I read that stress alone will do that. So it stands to reason that this may be the case. My stress is still there, just the cause is shifting. It is getting better, and I keep plugging away trying to make the necessary changes to get rid of it. It just takes time and is still a work in progress.
Let's see- she likes tumor markers, which my Onc does not use. I am going to ask him if we can use tumor markers additionally. For his purposes, it may not be a big deal. For my purposes I would like him to use markers. Except for my purposes, theoretically I should not be on any other treatment because how would we if it was my doctor's regiment, or my regiment that was making the difference.
Additionally, she recommended getting tested to make sure I am post-menopausal instead of basing it on not bleeding for a year. She said to check my Vitamin D level also. I got lost there, as I don't now if this shows in my labs, or what the correct level is. Other then that, she did name a couple of chemos regiments that we have not done, that she thinks are still effective, even though they are old-school. These are Doxil (Liposomal adriamycin?) and CMF (cytoxan methotrexate).
Ok great- so what does all this mean you ask? I don't know, but it is bad shit period. We have got to get this under control! My left shoulder is starting to hurt a little, most likely due to all the stuff growing on my chest, under collar bone, and up my neck. Lortab 5 still takes care of it, but I don't like taking all the addictive pills. I'm going to beat this, but I don't want to be an addict by the time it is all over. The part that really is starting to bother me, is how many different kinds of chemo we have tried. This doctor is as bothered as everyone else seems to be regarding the effectiveness of the Docetaxol, and how it made it grow so fast. If we don't get a grip on this and keep trying chemo, eventually the chemo will kill me. I am lucky my system is still strong, but it is taking a toll even if it is not so obvious.
My mind still goes back to cannabis as a solution. Maybe it doesn't work for all, but I just have a hard time believing that all these people believe in something that doesn't work. I have also just recently been told that the effectiveness off cannabis oil has the tendency to diminish with the more chemo one undergoes. The other thing that really makes sense to me, and I can't figure out how to make it happen is my diet of course. Once again this doc recommended a raw and organic diet as much as possible. These two solutions make me just want to ball up in a flippin' corner and cry! I just can't see that either of these solutions are in my reach, due to finances. The diet being the cheaper of the two, but harder to accomplish probably. Tastes good and affordable has been my diet still. I haven't felt like cooking much. Oh, to have my own healthy private chef! Which is not going to happen. I wonder what would happen if I could get my head a little more clear and focused, came off of chemo and start getting to feel more energetic, and focus on a cannabis oil and diet regiment. I can't stop myself from thinking that this may sound like a better option then more chemo by this point in the game. It's not going to hurt me. The chemo will eventually take me out if it doesn't fix it.
So that's where we are at folks. I wish it was better news, but at least it is not worse. It is still as bad as I thought that it was. I think I am hungry for tacos again. Why tacos? I can't get rid of my taco craving. Taco Bell is not real tacos, but it solves the craving fast!
Companionship
Well, here I am. Honestly, a bit of a basket case right now, as it has been a really has been a crazy 3 years. I think this is what worries me most about dating, as I just don't have it in me for the BS and games that can come with dating. I want peace, calm, and to feel loved and protected. I want to have fun, cook & share a bottle a bottle of wine with someone in front of the funnies, someone to to come with when Hope and I walk, to crank the jams with, or see a show with, jump in the truck and go for a drive, take a ride with. I'm just in kind of a weird place, as I have just been keeping so close to home. Healing from somethings and battling others. Just someone to hang out with will be a huge improvement for the battle attitude I think. Getting lonely and depressed will surely do nothing but harm. I know I am loved, and have a lot of friends all over the place, but it's just not the same as a bit more intimate relationship.
I find it interesting (and it makes me happy) that that is really my biggest concern when it comes to dating. I'm really not too worried about being lopsided, and not too terribly concerned about how I look- I clean up when I want to! I'm still me regardless, and I always hope my beauty radiates from the inside out anyways. I'm not worried about dying on someone either. That's for someone else to decide for themselves pretty much- if they can deal with the possibility. I do believe it is still better to have loved then not! At it's worst, love can be hideous, but at it's best- there is nothing better. Good companionship would really make me smile right now!
I find it interesting (and it makes me happy) that that is really my biggest concern when it comes to dating. I'm really not too worried about being lopsided, and not too terribly concerned about how I look- I clean up when I want to! I'm still me regardless, and I always hope my beauty radiates from the inside out anyways. I'm not worried about dying on someone either. That's for someone else to decide for themselves pretty much- if they can deal with the possibility. I do believe it is still better to have loved then not! At it's worst, love can be hideous, but at it's best- there is nothing better. Good companionship would really make me smile right now!
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