Our first breast cancer support group

OK, so we went. There was a nutrition speaker there, which was alright. I have the tendency to shut out the good things that I should be doing when I can't follow through for lack of money. However, summer is here and I need out of the house more. It keeps both Hope and I from getting stagnate. I called ahead and made arrangements to bring Hope. I figured what the heck, worst that will happen is that they will say no. The answer was yes, we could try! Yay, so off we went to St. Xavier's in Missoula for our first support group. Hope did very good I thought. Considering that she still has training to go, and she is young and learning. She mostly sat or layed by me, with no barking of course. She got a little bit restless, as she loves to smell and visit. She also was quite interested in the light foot traffic in the hallway. We sat next to the door in the back of the group. My choice, as I had told the coordinator to just give me the sign if she was a problem. She didn't seem to think that she was a problem...and of course it helps that her daughter has a pibble in training to be a service dog. I think that next time we go, I need to make sure to leave early enough so we can have a little walk around the neighborhood before we go in. Overall, I am very pleased how it went. I will start going with or without Hope regardless, just to get out of the house and visit with other survivors. I can't share my wealth of knowledge in person if I don't get out.

Afterwards, we went back to Quality Supply again to try and fine tune the electric fence. I keep missing the guy with the most fence experience there, plus they are out of the right ground rods anyways. On the way out, I had to look at the discount table, which was full of pet stuff. I couldn't resist the pig costume, which will go back as it doesn't really fit Hope. I think she is a medium size dog, with a large size chest, duh! Anyways, we had to have a picture of course.

Hopalope, or pigley?

The sun is out, and I am blah

Blah, blah, blah...OK I admit it, I am feeling blah today. Why am I feeling blah today? Let's see, physically I am tired, and my stomach is not satisfied with the banana I ate. So now I am onto a Kirkland Chocolate weight loss shake. The shake is not for weight loss, as I have lost all my chemo/stress weight from last year. I'm not a big breakfast eater, as I prefer salty over sweet. As you can see with the bananas, I do try...I don't like bananas. The shake will fill me up usually and buy me some time until I do figure out what sounds good to eat. It's not really the chemo, just not a breakfast person. I'd really rather have bacon and eggs, but who wants to cook bacon and eggs for 1? Plus, the grease really is the 1 thing that doesn't sit so well with me during chemo. OK, so we got that covered...physically not too terrible.

Next up are my 3 to dos for today. I don't feel like doing either of them, as  they would require moving. First we need to go do another dog walk where we went yesterday. I can get up and moving for this one. Once we are moving, it's not so bad. Hurry up and down your shake girl, and you will feel more like it once the void in your stomach is gone! Next up, we need to at least Go to Quality Supply and get 1 more ground rod for the electric fence. Just go get it, don't have to put it in today...just go get it! Last but not least we have- grocery shopping! It's the 4th, food stamp money is on the card. And here we are to the root of today's real frustration I think.

I don't feel like going shopping, but I know that I need to. If I just make a list and go to Walmart, I will get it knocked out in a hurry. This is the month that I told myself that I would try and go to the Good Food Store and try to shop. I know I should try and eat more organic. Where to start? I know certain fruits are better, but what do I buy...hateful bananas? I don't think they need to be organic because of the skin. Chicken, yes that would be a great place to start. I don't need chicken this month. I should probably just wait until I feel better to do this, but I don't want to be craving something at 10 pm, and not have it. If I could just go to the store and buy whatever sounds good, there would be no struggle. Then I'll go back later and get what I need when I feel better. Nice thought, but no dice. If I shop like that, my food card will be empty in 1 week, then what do I do? I personally like top ramen, and it's an easy fix when nothing sounds good. However, I probably shouldn't be eating it all the time. Why is it that suddenly that's all I can think of that sounds good?

I think this whole blah is mostly boiling down to stupid money. Funny part of it is....all those years that I bartended, and didn't claim all my tips to Uncle Sam...I knew somewhere along the way it would bite me in the ass. I knew it would be receiving less money down the road somewhere. I didn't care, it was what got me through at the moment. Who the hell would have thought that it was when I got cancer that it would bite me in the ass??????? Hopefully I don't sound too much like a pity party, as I don't mean to. The cancer is not my fault, even though I could have chosen to take better care of myself. The financial aspect though, is my fault. I could have made better choices over the years, that would have put me in a much better financial situation. Would I have experienced all that I have...probably not. Would  it really and truly made a difference in my life now...maybe, maybe not. I acknowledge this, but I can not beat myself up over it.
 So now that I've got all that worked through...do I feel any better? Maybe, but I think it is my stomach void mellowing out finally. I still don't know the solution, and I still don't know what to shop for. I'd really rather just avoid it all and take a nap. That doesn't work either, as  Hope and I need a little exercise. So I guess we better go for our walk and Quality Supply. Then well go to maybe Albertson's and just get something for tonight, and some peanut butter...and save the rest for a day that I am a little bit more motivated and feeling of a less foggy mind.

Why is it that suddenly I just want my mommy? I guess it doesn't get more honest then that. Just one of those days. Once upon a time, it would have been my husband. Some days you just want to be babied a little bit. I don't do that very often. I know she is in the middle of an open house right now, and I don't want to disturb her. Would she want me to call and just say so? I think so, so I will call her for a quick moment and hope she has waterproof mascara on!