OK, So I got my results last week...Thursday to be exact. I have been in computer hibernation since then. Just not ready to share with the whole world yet. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. Just trying to absorb it all in without feeling like anyone is feeling sorry for me maybe? Oh shit seems to be the general reaction. Mine too. I guess i don't want anybody else to have to think "Oh shit" too?
So here goes. I got settled into my chemo chair to draw labs. I told my nurse I was a little nervous as I was getting PET scan results today. She asked me if I wanted to stay in the chair, or go back to his office to hear. I mumbled something that the chair was fine, he didn't have time for my questions anyways. OK, so I'm a butt hurt ass from last week still. The chair is fine, I guess I didn't really want to be alone in the room with him, as I didn't have anyone with me to hear the results. I guess being in the chemo ward didn't feel so alone to hear what he had to say. Maybe someone else would hear and interpret for me if I needed it.
My Onc came over pretty quick it seemed today. Maybe he was caught up and not so rushed. Maybe he just wanted to get it over with. Maybe he just wanted to let me know, so I could get on with my day outside of the cancer center. In all reality, it was probably just my turn. However, he was much kinder then last time. So he tells me he has positive-negative news. I was hoping for better, but this is about what I thought he would have to say.
Let me start off by explaining that this was a PET scan. So cancer shows as a "hot spot" When the scan gets read, I THINK that it only reads somethings...like the "hot spot" Which is great, this needs to be seen. However, I believe that it doesn't really show a lot in terms of size very accurately. That is what an MRI is for. An MRI takes pictures in slices, and will give an accurate measurement of tumor size. Readers, please help me out here- am I still following along and understanding right?
So the positive first. The positive is that the bad lymph node under my right arm pit is doing good. Good I take to mean as either still showing signs of shrinking, or it is gone away. I'm confused on this, as I can still feel it. Which ever is the case, that was the positive news. The mass on my left chest, and the lymph node under my left collar bone- my Onc considers that one in the same. He says that that is no longer showing signs of shrinkage. He did not say growing again though. This is the part where I was really hoping he would say looked great. Because it feels back to the original size when I first felt it after surgery. Back to the un-understood question...how did THAT get from scar tissue to tumor???? OK, fine...what's next? Next is the bad lymph nodes buried under my sternum. If I understood everything, those are showing signs of growth again. Then on to the worst of the negative. Doc says he now can see a very small spot on my lung. He says it is very small, and he really didn't seem too excited about it. I will explain my interpretation of this in a moment. Wow, soaking it in still. This is the part that I wasn't really prepared for. I always knew that there was a chance it spread more. That's the stuff that I can't worry about much, unless given a reason. In my mind, if I can feel it...then there is an understandable reason to worry a little bit. I try not to get too excited about the unknown things, or I will worry myself into an early grave.
So my mom refreshed my memory about my grandma dying from lung cancer the year that I graduated. This is what I need to hold near and dear to me right now. A couple of years before Grandma died, she went in for a hip surgery. Mom says that the docs did a scan of some sort at this point in time, related to her surgery. There was a small spot on her lung at this time. However, docs were so concerned about her hip, that the ball got dropped on the spot on her lungs. fast forward a year or so, and Grandma is getting sick, and is diagnosed with lung cancer. The doctor went back and looked at that old scan. Doc said that if they had caught that small spot then, that they could have gotten rid of it. Sadly, by the time this was figured out- her lung cancer was too far advanced. So this is the thought that I have to hold onto. My spot on my lung is as small as Grandma's was originally. We will keep plugging away at chemo, and this little spot will go away!
So there it is, no more waiting or guessing. Now we know. I mostly right on what I thought the outcome would be. I wish I was more wrong, but not to be this time. I felt like a bad girl when I went home...I got kicked out of chemo for the day. I didn't really feel like a bad girl, it was just much more fun to say I got kicked out of chemo. Kicked out of chemo, as it is time to clean out my system again, so I can go try a different kind of chemo. Goodbye to Cisplatin and Gemzar, as we just burnt out another drug. 4th chemo regiment down the drain, which equals out to I've tried 7 different kinds of chemo so far in a year and 10 months. I have to quit looking at it in those terms, as that sounds freaky. Yet, I'm afraid to lose count or I won't remember. I don't want to forget how to spell CAT!
So here goes. I got settled into my chemo chair to draw labs. I told my nurse I was a little nervous as I was getting PET scan results today. She asked me if I wanted to stay in the chair, or go back to his office to hear. I mumbled something that the chair was fine, he didn't have time for my questions anyways. OK, so I'm a butt hurt ass from last week still. The chair is fine, I guess I didn't really want to be alone in the room with him, as I didn't have anyone with me to hear the results. I guess being in the chemo ward didn't feel so alone to hear what he had to say. Maybe someone else would hear and interpret for me if I needed it.
My Onc came over pretty quick it seemed today. Maybe he was caught up and not so rushed. Maybe he just wanted to get it over with. Maybe he just wanted to let me know, so I could get on with my day outside of the cancer center. In all reality, it was probably just my turn. However, he was much kinder then last time. So he tells me he has positive-negative news. I was hoping for better, but this is about what I thought he would have to say.
Let me start off by explaining that this was a PET scan. So cancer shows as a "hot spot" When the scan gets read, I THINK that it only reads somethings...like the "hot spot" Which is great, this needs to be seen. However, I believe that it doesn't really show a lot in terms of size very accurately. That is what an MRI is for. An MRI takes pictures in slices, and will give an accurate measurement of tumor size. Readers, please help me out here- am I still following along and understanding right?
So the positive first. The positive is that the bad lymph node under my right arm pit is doing good. Good I take to mean as either still showing signs of shrinking, or it is gone away. I'm confused on this, as I can still feel it. Which ever is the case, that was the positive news. The mass on my left chest, and the lymph node under my left collar bone- my Onc considers that one in the same. He says that that is no longer showing signs of shrinkage. He did not say growing again though. This is the part where I was really hoping he would say looked great. Because it feels back to the original size when I first felt it after surgery. Back to the un-understood question...how did THAT get from scar tissue to tumor???? OK, fine...what's next? Next is the bad lymph nodes buried under my sternum. If I understood everything, those are showing signs of growth again. Then on to the worst of the negative. Doc says he now can see a very small spot on my lung. He says it is very small, and he really didn't seem too excited about it. I will explain my interpretation of this in a moment. Wow, soaking it in still. This is the part that I wasn't really prepared for. I always knew that there was a chance it spread more. That's the stuff that I can't worry about much, unless given a reason. In my mind, if I can feel it...then there is an understandable reason to worry a little bit. I try not to get too excited about the unknown things, or I will worry myself into an early grave.
So my mom refreshed my memory about my grandma dying from lung cancer the year that I graduated. This is what I need to hold near and dear to me right now. A couple of years before Grandma died, she went in for a hip surgery. Mom says that the docs did a scan of some sort at this point in time, related to her surgery. There was a small spot on her lung at this time. However, docs were so concerned about her hip, that the ball got dropped on the spot on her lungs. fast forward a year or so, and Grandma is getting sick, and is diagnosed with lung cancer. The doctor went back and looked at that old scan. Doc said that if they had caught that small spot then, that they could have gotten rid of it. Sadly, by the time this was figured out- her lung cancer was too far advanced. So this is the thought that I have to hold onto. My spot on my lung is as small as Grandma's was originally. We will keep plugging away at chemo, and this little spot will go away!
So there it is, no more waiting or guessing. Now we know. I mostly right on what I thought the outcome would be. I wish I was more wrong, but not to be this time. I felt like a bad girl when I went home...I got kicked out of chemo for the day. I didn't really feel like a bad girl, it was just much more fun to say I got kicked out of chemo. Kicked out of chemo, as it is time to clean out my system again, so I can go try a different kind of chemo. Goodbye to Cisplatin and Gemzar, as we just burnt out another drug. 4th chemo regiment down the drain, which equals out to I've tried 7 different kinds of chemo so far in a year and 10 months. I have to quit looking at it in those terms, as that sounds freaky. Yet, I'm afraid to lose count or I won't remember. I don't want to forget how to spell CAT!
Charmine,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your results with us. It sounds to me like you have the descriptions of the PET Scan and MRI correct. Those are how I understand them also. Whenever something shows up on my bone scans, my oncologist always orders an MRI in the area of the hot spots in order to see more clearly what is going on. She does a lot of CT Scans also, which I think tend to show more of the soft tissue areas. I think it's great that you are writing everything down. I wish I had done that from the beginning.
You are so strong - and I completely agree with you - try another chemo and go for the gold in getting rid of the spot on your lung. Is it possible to remove it through surgery? My mother-in-law was able to have the bottom third of her right lung removed when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Then the chemo and radiation. That was 3-1/2 years ago. Still doing good.
I am sending postiive thoughts and lots of prayers your way. Keep looking toward the future and imagining yourself cancer free. People keep telling me that the mind is a powerful tool in the fight against this crappy disease. I'm counting on the fact that they are right. And keep smiling :) I can still feel that smile coming through your words even though you were not writing the words you would have loved to. Keep the hope alive. You can do this because you are amazing!
My Onc hasn't said anything about surgery, nor have I asked him since it was first back. My GUESS is no, it's not worth the risk at this point. I say that thinking it does no good to get rid of it out of the lung, when it is still all the other places. They say there is a small chance of spread when the cancer cells are exposed to air. The chemotherapy treats systematically, so in theory- the chemo should get it. My guess is the risk of spreading, and putting me through another surgery, versus the good that the right chemo will do is why surgery isn't really an option. Now if that spot of cancer starts causing problems with my other vital organs, that might change things up. It is not currently doing any damage, so don't fix what's not broken. I wonder if I am even close to the right answer!
ReplyDelete