Day 1 of CX-011 treatment

Darn emotional roller coaster strikes again! I was on a great high this week from a week break from treatment and all the fun stuff I have done while off. I woke up ready to take a stab at another type of chemo today. Then I turned on my Facebook to check in. I started seeing posts to a lady that I met when I went to the Lotus Survival Foundation retreat in May. I got to looking and realised that she has entered into hospice.

Even at the time, we knew that she would probably not make it. That is so hard to think that way, and it feels wrong to me. I'd prefer to think that you still have a chance as long as you are alive. I know that it doesn't really work that way. I am still having a battle with reality, even though I consider myself to be a realist. I guess maybe I just didn't expect to hear this news so soon. She looked well, even though it appeared that she was dropping weight. I could tell that she was very tired, but she did her best to keep up with the rest of us. She was still going through chemo a month later, as she messaged me to find out what kind of chemo I was taking, as she had to go choose another chemo. How can she be suddenly going into hospice now? I still don't understand how this all works. Lord, if you must take this beautiful young lady, please let her pass in peace.

The other part of me that is bothered by this is this. If there comes a time when treatment will no longer do me any good, then please let me know early enough to enjoy some life. I dread getting sent home from chemo to die, when I don't have the energy to do fun stuff, and the appetite to eat good food. I will fight as long as I have to, but I hope my doctor understands not to make me wait until the last minute. I want to go see Susan Tedeschi perform an outside show just one time, I want to eat another Pete's Calzone, I want to prepare and eat another prime rib, I want to ride the Going to the Sun Road.....hell this single girl still wants to have sex for that matter! And I don't want to try and cram it all into my last 2 months when I'm not feeling well!

In the meantime, I still have doses to take. We are not out of options yet. H says that she is hoping this new study drug doesn't beat me up so badly as the last. We shall see!