So it's aggressive, WTF?

What does that mean? I heard it the first go round- it was medium to fast growing, and aggressive. OK, fine but we cut it all out, (we thought) then. So now we discover that something that has been in the surgery site, (appeared right after surgery) and is agressive as well. Now I am scared. What does this mean? Thank God all will be revealed tomorrow. It will be soon enough then. Good night.

This is not how things are supposed to be a year later!

This is not how things are supposed to be a year later!Tuesday, September 21, 2010 at 5:18pm

 Cripes, almighty! My doctor's appointment did not go as planned last week. Least not how I had it all worked out in my head. Doc felt my swollen lymph node, and said yep it's swollen. He went over and felt the remaining lymph nodes on my bad side, which felt fine. However, I have this mass up above the surgery site, below my left collar bone. It has been there since almost imediantly after surgury. We brought it to his attention at my check up. He just kind of glanced over it and said it was something along the lines of scar tissue. All I know is we haven't been worried about it for the last year based on his response. Well this time he spent some time feeling it, and he didn't like it. I didn't even show it to him this time because of his prior response. Well this time he stuck a needle in it on the spot for a biopsy. What he expected to find when he pulled out the needle- was liquid. Like it was a liquid filled cyst. This did not happen- he could tell that he pulled out cells. He said that he could have missed and got behind it. I wasn't really buying that statement, as he is a very good surgeon.
  This time he took his time with me, like back in the begining. I couldn't read him very well, but I got the idea that he was very concerned. He said it was not likely to be cancer back on that side of my chest, nor likely that it had jumped from one breast to the other. He would expect it to rear it's ugly head elsewhere in my body. I couldn't understand how this thing that I originally thought oh no- it feels like a tumor, could really be a tumor now. When we originally felt this lump over a year ago, I had just had surgery days before, an MRI and a mammogram. How could it have been hiding in there? And a bit angry that my surgeon didn't really seem to take much time with it when we showed him. I'll get over it. So that day he did the biopsy, and then he called my oncologist and they scheduled a PET scan. Finally the test that will tell us if there is any cancer still, so that is good. Just not good that they were concerned enough to order one.
  So my hubby brought me in first thing in the morning today. I got my PET scan  done. It was different, but painless. Well, ok I'm out of practice on needles since I had a port in for so long. Tech said they wouldn't have used the port for this injecton anyways, as it would gum it up. I'm not glowing from the radiation, but I'm also not supposed to hold little kids or sit on pregnant women's laps for the next 24 hours! I will not know the results of the scan until my pow wow with my oncologist on Thursday. My surgeon left me a message before I left the hospital. He said he didn't want to keep me in limbo anymore, but that the biopsy came back positive for cancer. So there it is- here we go again. I imagine it will mean surgery in the next couple of weeks, more chemo in another month, and more radiation too. This mass feels big and close to my chest wall, so hence my guess on radiation. All will be revealed on Thursday with Dr. Snyder.

The picture is the mass, though it is hard to tell. The little tiny pea bump is the smallest. I think that might be due to the biopsy. The big mass is hard to see and between the pea bump and my armpit.

   I am OK. I am much better now that I can quit wondering. Much easier to pull my combat boots back on and move forward instead of hanging in limbo. I am surrounded by more people then I will probably ever be able to acknowledge for their kindness and support. We will get through this round too. I've got many more miles to put on my harley, roller coasters to chase, lovin' to do with my husband, more survivors to visit with and much more. I'm out of here for now.

Dear left breast

Just wanted to wish you a happy anniversary of your death. I'm sorry I had to separate you from your twin, but it had to be done. You have been a fine friend over the years, but you were sick and you were going to make me sick. So I had to cut you loose and send you on down the road. Life is different without you, and I miss you sometimes. Mostly only when I need your support under a smashing blouse. I can mimic you with a falsey, so it is not the end of the world- just a pain in the butt. I may miss you, but you do not define me. I am still beautiful without you, because my beauty comes from the inside- the outside is just a bonus. Someday I will replace you, but only so your twin isn't lonely under my cute tops that I haven't been able to wear!