Tuesday, March 29, 2011

National Cancer Institute adds Medical marijuana to it's alternative therapies!

National Cancer Institute adds Medical Marijuanato it's alternative therapies list!
This is great news, now let's see how the antitumeric studies go!

Monday, March 28, 2011

I have stage 4 breast cancer...and still smoke.

Today, I want to put something personal out there. No matter how much I talk about being completely honest with my readers, I still feel like I miss by a long shot. So today I want to talk about smoking.
  OK, so here goes. I don't know if I have mentioned that I am a cigarette, and marijuana smoker for 25 years. An average of 1 1/2 packs a day since 16. I have also considered myself a "pothead" since almost as long- in varying degrees of consumption over the years. Let's talk about it's medicinal value first.
    I am now a medical marijuana patient- it has been 1 of 2 most effective drugs for me- for the emotional side effects of cancer. (The second being the Ativan for sleeping) To be honest, marijuana does seem to help with the nausea and eating. Great for sleeping too. For me personally though- I haven't really had very bad nauseau, or eating problems though. My A/C treatment was eons ago by now- so maybe I have forgotten, OR it did make it better. (I don't want to have to find out again, sorry!) It has helped keep me calm, and a bit sedated one could say. The last couple of years for me have been very chaotic in my personal life, aside from the big "C". Some days I seriously wonder how I have held it together through all this.
  A lot of personal strength, wonderful friends and family, and a little bit of green.  MJ enables me to really just relax and brings me down a couple of notches- enough to lay in bed and watch movies and nap when I should. To shut off the thinker and not worry about all the everyday chores. To let the business stuff rest a couple extra days, if I am not well. Or to shut everything else off, and just be- be me in my own head space. I can't imagine myself going through this without. I heard it said somewhere about marijuana and cancer, that it makes you not care about it. I am still pondering this one, as there might be something to it!
   My smoking however, has increased greatly since the cancer. Doesn't cause breast cancer, but how great is the smoke? My caregiver grows beautiful, potent and very sticky herb for me. The Afgooey is so dense sometimes, I think of all that going in my lungs. I have an Iolite that I have been using recently. I like it, and could see trying to go 100% vaping. Vaporizers seem as such, that 1 is not enough! To top that off...I still can't kick smoking cigs either.
  OK, I honestly feel guilty about using can't...that I can't do. I would say it is more like won't quit, because I do love to smoke. I have been stuck in the I know I need to mode, but I still don't want to. Docs said not to stress myself out about quitting...but that was a year and a half ago. That doesn't work anymore. I have been major stressed,  but am getting back to a happy spot again. I battle myself everyday about cutting back. It works, but keyword is battle. I HATE beating myself up for stuff, and I will do it. I will get to a spot where I am ready to quit, but what about in the meantime? I have discovered that I am interested in e-cigarettes after all. They do after all, appear to be much healthier and cheaper. I think these are an item that quality will pay off, when purchasing. Ima thinking about it!
   So there you have it, true confessions for my net followers. I have stage 4 breast cancer...and still smoke. I get a little bit twitchy about this one :(
Vape

  

Friday, March 11, 2011

Waking Up with Hope

Shrink, shrink, SHRINK!

Hiya all! My chemo appointment went GREAT on Wed. I didn't get the video footage that I was after, as I didn't show Dad how to operate my Bloggie Touch in time. My Onc's face was priceless though. Poor guy, he walks in and is trying to look at my records. I'm like screw those papers, feel this! His face said it all. He didn't even bother with the calipers this time. It now feels pretty close to the original scar tissue. I can still feel my lymph nodes, so I know it's not gone. This is a huge change though, and I love the feel of relief of everyone around me. I needed this so bad. I have tried to stayed so positive, but I also don't want to live in a bubble and have it pop on me suddenly. There is Hope. Maybe I too can be a 40 year survivor after all!
  I only got my Cisplatain chemo on WED, no Gemzar. The Gemzar is the hardest on the blood count. This is the first time in all the chemos, that my blood counts have been low at labs. He says no biggy, we'll go back to normal next week. Sometimes he needs to tweek the doses a bit to keep me well. I was actually pretty surprised to hear low blood count, as I felt great. I always thought the low blood counts made you feel icky.
  So hip hip hurray for me! I am trying to load a video I made to share with you. Not cooperating at this moment, so check back soon to watch, "Waking Up with Hope"

Monday, March 7, 2011

Itch, itch, ITCH!

Kay, so this is a new one on me. My mastectomy/radiation zone has been itching like crazy since last night. Lotion doesn't seem to stop it, nor do essential oils of lavender, peppermint and Peace and Calm. Why the heck is it itching now? It never has before. In my mind, my mass is shrinking, and all is healing. You know- that itching that comes along with healing. Probably not really the cause, but it works for me in my mind until I find out the real answer!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

On the edges of a chemo fog

Chemo fog, yes I remember now. I could live without what I am starting to call a chemo fog. I swear I don't remember much of my life during last of my Taxol treatments last spring. I remember how good I felt compared to the A/C treatments, and I have the tendency to forget the rest. I remember occasionally how crappy the side effects were, but mostly I remember feeling as if in a fog. Like I do now. The strange part is, I feel way better then a couple of weeks ago, overall. I think the fog is more related to just being tired. I do what I want or need to do, and not much else. Probably not getting out of my PJ's enough...is there a rule on that?
  I was out in my pjs on Friday working. My GF came over and I helped her string up a dog run cable for Hope. Ms. Hope has still thinks she gets to go wherever she wants, and that doesn't work for me. I was outside in PJ's, sweatshirt and winter hat. It was beautiful out, and felt like spring. Got the cable up for Hope, and I spent another hour outside shoveling dog crap, ice and leaves. My back was not a happy camper by the time I was done, but the back deck was SOOOOO much better. We have a young puppy in the house that hasn't figured out what the patio is NOT for. So you see, I am trying to keep myself from total immersion into the fog! I do keep myself busy with light house cleaning as well.
   PJ are comfy though! We are going to go for a walk today, so I will come out of pjs. I just do so much "lie downs" that pjs are comfy. As long as I can feel like I am contributing to the household- pjs are all right. I need to contribute, or I really won't feel right.
    My, I feel like I am just a rambling mess right now. I feel guilty because I need to write, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. I don't even feel like what I am writing today makes much sense. I feel like I am shutting people out of my life, and putting myself into a self induced fog. I don't think that is really right, but then why do I feel that way? If I have to worry, then  it is work. I just want to do what I want to do, and not worry. That doesn't work though, that is selfish. I feel like I am shutting my family out, and I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it would be different if they lived here, and could just stop by whenever they wanted? Nobody wants to drive 3 hours to wonder if I will feel up for a visit, which I understand. It would probably feel easier for everybody all the way around if they could just drop by and see for themselves how things are. Am I being selfish with my family by insisting on staying in Missoula for the time being? I think staying put is the right thing for right now. I don't want to change doctor's, nor do I want to drive 5 hours round trip for appointments.
   Yep, rambling...not convinced this is making me feel any better. I think some bacon & eggs, and a walk with Hope would be the best use of my day. So rambling that I haven't even said the BEST news! So I had dose # 2 on Wed. Doc says his calipers show a smidge of shrinkage. I don't think he would say that if he truly didn't believe.  I felt it yesterday, and again just now. I made B feel it yesterday, and I will have her check again shortly. It is DEFINITELY smaller! Still there, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is smaller! Not just a smidge either, a noticeable difference. I'm pretty sure that you can probably even tell the difference by just looking at it, not just by feel. OK, I'm done for now. I don't want to waste the sunshine!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Off to my 2nd treatment of my 5th regiment

That sounds crazy, how did I get to 5 different kinds of chemo in a year and a half? Who would have thought? I have also just become aware of the fact that vanilla yogurt with frozen blueberries on top, tastes WAY better the blueberry yogurt. And you all know why I am eating blueberries and yogurt...antioxidants and probiotics.
  So I'm back, my apologies for the lack of update. I have just been just so tired...emotionally, physically and chemically? Referring to the part of chemo that makes me tired, versus just flat out overdoing it. The good news, is the Docetaxol is out of my system, to be never heard from again. My nose stopped driving me crazy about 2 weeks ago, so I can quit walking around picking it. My fingers are getting back to feeling like normal, so I guess I could walk around picking my nose if I wanted to. Did I sound like that was the worst of it 3 weeks ago, because suddenly that is all I remember. Oh, and food has been tasting right again too.
  Onto the nitty gritty, as I know that's why my millions of readers are here today...to get the update that I should have given a week ago, right? So I had a CT scan last Wed, before I got my scheduled dose of Docetaxol. As I suspected, I did not get my scheduled dose of Docetaxol. In fact I got myself booted off the study, and will never take any of the Taxol family again. I got booted from the study because the Docetaxol is acting like fertilizer to my chest mass. CT showed that mass has grown 73% since my last ct, less then 2 months ago. That sucks! So, last dose of Docetaxol was 3 weeks prior, and my blood work looked good. Doc was able to start me on my new regiment that day, which now consists of Cisplatin, and Gemzar- which I will take once a week now.
  H says that she is sorry, but my chemo options will not get any easier from here on out. I can appreciated the honesty, but I don't quite get it. If chemos are spaced out differently, so you body has time to recover, then wouldn't the ones with 2 week gaps be harsher then weekly chemos? Also, so far...my 2 Docetaxols have been much harsher on me then my 1 combo dose, (we'll call it C/G for easy). Even the side effects on the drug sheet look easier. They are really concerned about my blood count, and my liver function this trip around. Maybe it means that we have serious problems it either of those start causing me problems. The painful pain in the ass side effects before were just that pain in the ass, not serious. On my list to ask today!
OK, I'm signing off here. I had a wonderful Sunday with my GF, and I want to write about that later, so I can share some pics of me and my Pink Ladies!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Smiles

 Hi all! Here we have another email that needed to get turned into a blog. This was what a response to a total stranger turned into. Just trying to cheer her up and make her smile, though I'm not convinced my emotional moment cheered her up!
 "Life is funny that way...I look forward to the days again when I can smile every day...just because, not because I need that smile. My life has come crashing down around me, and why I'm still smiling- I'll never know. I always hope that the smile I put on for all those around me is as genuine, as it feels for me. Sure, I've given a lot of "fake" smiles over the years- but suddenly I find it really important for those around me to know that my smile is the real deal. Not just for show, not just to try to make them feel less scared of possibly losing me. All I want to do is make it easier on my loved ones, if I lose my battle. I want them to know that I am OK with it, if my death is what it comes down to. I also want them to know that I gave it everything that I had. I know death is never easy, but I want the hardest parts for my family to be over with by the time I pass. I just don't want them to suffer and grieve for long. Please pick up the pieces, and let your hearts mend. Continue to live and hold me in your heart on your adventures- take my spirit with you to those wonderful places that my body will no longer allow me to go. Remember all that I have learned and tried to share...and always remember to pass it on to the next person who needs it.
Wow L , thanks for the accidental inspiration! Poor thing, reading my moment, doing what the heck is this woman talking about? I needed a blog update, and you just gave me one! People get me writing sometimes, and I have to turn it into a blog posting. I'm not sure if it will make you smile, but in a weird sort of way it might! The above writing might make a little bit more sense if I tell you that I am a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer survivor. I have been battling this since 8/09, and it is currently way out of control. So yes, we are scared right now. I am frustrated, as I just want to make those around me be less scared. If I can still smile, I want that for every ones else around me too!"