Monday, August 23, 2010
Lymph node doctor's visit Thursday, August 19, 2010 at 8:36pm
Thank you all for your kind thoughts...I am so blessed to have such a support crew! I went to see the surgeon yesterday, and he prodded my armpit and said yep I feel a lymph node rolling around. He gave me a quick manual breast exam and nothing weird there. He said it is highly unlikely that it would have jumped from one boob to the other. I am a year out from diagnosis at the end of the month, so he sent me in for a regular mammogram screening, versus a diagnostic mammo. Regular because he did not feel anything unusual, so we got to skip the ultrasound. We'll look farther later if it comes back unusual. I think that one is a no news is good news phone call. As far as the lymph node- I was a bit surprised at his answer, so I learned something new today. I have an appointment on the 11th to see if the swelling of the lymph node goes down. If it does not, he will be removing it so it can be tested. Doc says if it was his lymph node...he wouldn't do it because he has never had cancer. Because we know that I have had cancer- he needs to take it just to make sure. It wasn't registering that the reason why the whole cluster is gone on the other side is because removal is really the only way they have to test these lymph nodes.. At least that was what I understood- did I get it right, anybody know? LOL, first reaction is I don't want him to take it if he doesn't have to. Now I think, What happens if the swelling goes down, it is cancerous....and we don't know for a long time until it swells up again?" I know me bad...I am laughing at myself here folks, really I am! I just try really hard to share every bit of this crazy ride...I never know when I will forget it, and I don't want to lose it in case someone comes along who really needs it. So now we play the waiting game, ughhh. Oh well, I can do it...I feel much better now that I have done all I can for the moment. I am wondering if it is worth a visit to a naturalpath, to see if my lymphatic system needs cleaned out. Anybody know anything about this subject? If it really works, might be cheaper and way healthier then having it surgically removed just in case. Toodles!
OK, I admit it...I'm a little bit scared Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 9:46am
Finally, today is here. I have an 11 o'clock appointment with Dr. Pickhardt today. Something has been swollen since summer, in my good armpit. My radiology oncologist felt it last week, so it is not my imagination. It could be any number of non-cancerous things. I am a bit scared though, even though I'm sure it is not back already. He will probably want to look closer at it is my guess. I think it is all due to stress and heat. I'm not scared of the cancer treatment again, but of all the things concerning it. All I can visualise is all the mounds of financial paperwork again, and what my husband will think. There I said it...I am scared and sad. BUT- I do know that Dr. Pickhardt will make it all better soon!
I hate bras! Friday, June 25, 2010 at 1:26pm
LMAO! I didn't know that until just recently. It is warm out, and I am dripping all ready. Hot and sweaty, or just hot flashy? Who knows. I had to move some equipment from Libby yesterday, and I was going farther then home or Arlee. So I wore a bra. I have always been able to go without a bra all my life. Unless I wanted some vavoom, of course! I don't care that I am missing a boob, it is not the end of the world. The cancer is gone. I now feel the need to wear a bra if I am straying to far from home. I know nobody is going to stop and stare at me, and if they do- I will gladly spread some breast cancer awareness. I am just so tired already of wearing a bra, when I don't want to. Who wants to wear a hot and sticky bra if they don't have to?
Here we go with the uh-oh, what's wrong with me now!Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Everybody says it will happen. I knew it would, just wasn't sure how it would manifest itself. I feel kind of swollen under my right armpit. Best description I can come up with is it feels like Dr. Pickhardt has been prodding around my lymph nodes again. My right armpit- not the left one that had surgery. Of course I had to go prodding around in there, and so of course I feel a lump in there. Hubby finally felt it too, so it is not my imagination. No wonder it is tender with all that prodding! No really- I'm sure it is nothing. I called the breast care coordinator, and Char says that I might have a little infection somewhere that is causing my nodes to swell. Which is what I figured, though I have never had these particular nodes feel this way. She says to take some ibuprofen or Tylenol and see if the swelling goes down by next week. If not, then go get it checked. She says peace of mind is worth it all. It all makes sense to me. I just don't want to go running to the doctor everythime something feels funky. How does one know when to worry, is the million dollar question. Even through out this process, my body is still on it's own natural aging course- so what is really going on here? What is really going on here is I am still alive and kicking. The fear of the cancer coming back will never go away. The beauty of it is this- I am not afraid. I hope it doesn't come back- but I can do it again if I have to. I will not let my fears govern my actions, my life. I am in charge here....not some cancer that may or may not choose to rear it's ugly head again. Oh yes, one other little useful tidbit. I was visiting a friend the other day who just wrapped up treatment for prostrate cancer. He says he can't get all his energy back yet. I feel the same, but thought it was more due to all the rain and economy. Char says count the months one was in treatment. She says it will be about that many more months before one feels back to the new normal, after finishing treatment. I'm having a hard time swallowing that from my position today, but she should know! OK, off for now- toodles!
Sunday, April 04, 2010 Boobie checklist
Sunday, April 04, 2010 Boobie checklist
Just found this great checklist on myspace. Check it out! Be aware of your body all, and pay attention to any changes. Early prevention and awareness saves lives!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 at 8:30am Team Up Montana
Home / News / Montana & Regional
Lady Griz, fans to go pink during game for breast cancer awareness
Story Discussion By CHELSI MOY of the Missoulian
Posted: Friday, February 12, 2010 7:15 am
(2) Comments
A breast cancer survivor of 20 years, Karen Townsend is participating in Team Up Montana, an effort to bring awareness to the disease, at Saturday’s Lady Griz game. Photo by LINDA THOMPSON/Missoulian
Share Twenty years ago, Karen Townsend couldn't imagine an arena full of screaming sports fans in pink T-shirts, cheerleaders with pink pompoms and basketball players with pink warm-ups all showing their support for breast cancer awareness.
Back then, women didn't even acknowledge they had breast cancer.
"We were more shy about the whole issue," said Townsend, a former Missoula County chief deputy prosecutor and 20-year breast cancer survivor. "People used to be ashamed."
Since then, many female public figures such as former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor and actress Olivia Newton-John have spoken publicly about their battles against breast cancer. There has been heightened female political activism and the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure began holding races across the country.
Then, just last year, NFL football players took the field wearing pink shoes and gloves in recognition of breast cancer awareness.
Obviously, a lot has changed. But breast cancer is still the same potentially deadly disease.
That's why St. Patrick Hospital, along with the University of Montana, St. Joseph Medical Center, the Missoulian, KPAX-TV and Safeway have created Team Up Montana to raise cancer awareness, urge women to get checked early and often, and raise money for free mammogram screenings.
At Saturday's Lady Griz basketball game, fans are asked to pull out their pink clothes in support of breast cancer awareness.
Townsend, who is running for district court judge, is one of five breast cancer survivors who will be recognized during the Pink Zone game.
***
Townsend, 67, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1990. She underwent six weeks of radiation and four and a half months of chemotherapy, all the while continuing to work as a prosecutor for Missoula County. She would buy pink breast cancer bear figurines and pins and pass them out to female employees in the office.
"I got kind of pushy, but because it saves lives," she said.
Around the same time, Mary White, a local addiction counselor, was recovering from six weeks of radiation treatment and two mastectomy surgeries. White, 66, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1989. Her initial reaction - asking questions like "Why me?" and "How did this happen?" - was typical.
Both women eventually joined a breast cancer support group, a resource that hadn't previously existed. Medicine can rid the cancer from your body, White said. But it cannot heal you emotionally or mentally. Only the support of family, friends and others who are also fighting the disease can do that.
That's why the breast cancer support group and events like the one Saturday are so important, she said.
"To have a community surround you and say, ‘We are going to fight this,' and put their dime on the line - that matters enormously," White said.
The first 250 women to receive a mammogram at St. Patrick Hospital through Friday will receive free entry into Saturday's Lady Griz game and a free pink Team Up Montana shirt. They also will get to sit in "The Pink Zone." So far, 195 women have received mammograms during that time.
St. Patrick Hospital and Health Foundation will be collecting donations at the Lady Griz game to offer low-income or uninsured women an opportunity for free mammogram screenings. Local primary care doctors or physicians at Partnership Health Center can distribute a voucher to patients to receive a free mammogram screening at St. Patrick Hospital. The program is available until the money runs out, said foundation Executive Director Joel Lankford.
At the Team Up Montana at a Grizzly football game last fall, the foundation raised $6,000 for free mammogram screenings.
The Pink Zone campaign was formed in 2006 after former North Carolina State University head women's basketball coach Kay Yow was diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time. Yow died from the disease in January 2009.
Last year, the campaign reached more than 912,000 fans, raised $1.3 million and united more than 1,600 teams and organizations in the fight against breast cancer. This is the second year the Lady Griz have participated in the event.
The Lady Griz take on Eastern Washington on Saturday at the Adams Center. Tipoff is at 7 p.m.
Reporter Chelsi Moy can be reached at 523-5260 or at chelsi.moy@missoulian.com.
Lady Griz, fans to go pink during game for breast cancer awareness
Story Discussion By CHELSI MOY of the Missoulian
Posted: Friday, February 12, 2010 7:15 am
(2) Comments
A breast cancer survivor of 20 years, Karen Townsend is participating in Team Up Montana, an effort to bring awareness to the disease, at Saturday’s Lady Griz game. Photo by LINDA THOMPSON/Missoulian
Share Twenty years ago, Karen Townsend couldn't imagine an arena full of screaming sports fans in pink T-shirts, cheerleaders with pink pompoms and basketball players with pink warm-ups all showing their support for breast cancer awareness.
Back then, women didn't even acknowledge they had breast cancer.
"We were more shy about the whole issue," said Townsend, a former Missoula County chief deputy prosecutor and 20-year breast cancer survivor. "People used to be ashamed."
Since then, many female public figures such as former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor and actress Olivia Newton-John have spoken publicly about their battles against breast cancer. There has been heightened female political activism and the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure began holding races across the country.
Then, just last year, NFL football players took the field wearing pink shoes and gloves in recognition of breast cancer awareness.
Obviously, a lot has changed. But breast cancer is still the same potentially deadly disease.
That's why St. Patrick Hospital, along with the University of Montana, St. Joseph Medical Center, the Missoulian, KPAX-TV and Safeway have created Team Up Montana to raise cancer awareness, urge women to get checked early and often, and raise money for free mammogram screenings.
At Saturday's Lady Griz basketball game, fans are asked to pull out their pink clothes in support of breast cancer awareness.
Townsend, who is running for district court judge, is one of five breast cancer survivors who will be recognized during the Pink Zone game.
***
Townsend, 67, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1990. She underwent six weeks of radiation and four and a half months of chemotherapy, all the while continuing to work as a prosecutor for Missoula County. She would buy pink breast cancer bear figurines and pins and pass them out to female employees in the office.
"I got kind of pushy, but because it saves lives," she said.
Around the same time, Mary White, a local addiction counselor, was recovering from six weeks of radiation treatment and two mastectomy surgeries. White, 66, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1989. Her initial reaction - asking questions like "Why me?" and "How did this happen?" - was typical.
Both women eventually joined a breast cancer support group, a resource that hadn't previously existed. Medicine can rid the cancer from your body, White said. But it cannot heal you emotionally or mentally. Only the support of family, friends and others who are also fighting the disease can do that.
That's why the breast cancer support group and events like the one Saturday are so important, she said.
"To have a community surround you and say, ‘We are going to fight this,' and put their dime on the line - that matters enormously," White said.
The first 250 women to receive a mammogram at St. Patrick Hospital through Friday will receive free entry into Saturday's Lady Griz game and a free pink Team Up Montana shirt. They also will get to sit in "The Pink Zone." So far, 195 women have received mammograms during that time.
St. Patrick Hospital and Health Foundation will be collecting donations at the Lady Griz game to offer low-income or uninsured women an opportunity for free mammogram screenings. Local primary care doctors or physicians at Partnership Health Center can distribute a voucher to patients to receive a free mammogram screening at St. Patrick Hospital. The program is available until the money runs out, said foundation Executive Director Joel Lankford.
At the Team Up Montana at a Grizzly football game last fall, the foundation raised $6,000 for free mammogram screenings.
The Pink Zone campaign was formed in 2006 after former North Carolina State University head women's basketball coach Kay Yow was diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time. Yow died from the disease in January 2009.
Last year, the campaign reached more than 912,000 fans, raised $1.3 million and united more than 1,600 teams and organizations in the fight against breast cancer. This is the second year the Lady Griz have participated in the event.
The Lady Griz take on Eastern Washington on Saturday at the Adams Center. Tipoff is at 7 p.m.
Reporter Chelsi Moy can be reached at 523-5260 or at chelsi.moy@missoulian.com.
 |
| I was taller then my Lady Grizz. It was such an empowering moment to see all those people dressed in pink! |
Thursday, April 01, 2010 A Harlem Globetrotter visits the Montana Cancer Center
Thursday, April 01, 2010 A Harlem Globetrotter visits the Montana Cancer Center
Buckets Blakes from the Harlem Globetrotters stopped by for a visit to the Montana Cancer Center, at St. Pat's hospital on March 31. The Globetrotters will be up to their usual tricks on April 14th, at the Adams Center. All the usual suspects in the radiation department all took a moment to check out Buckets spinning his ball, and signing autographs. I was more interested in seeing how I measured up to a Globetrotter! Buckets took a moment to humor me, and was quite pleased to see the proof on film. The Globetrotters will be donating $2 per ticket sold for their upcoming game, to the Montana Cancer Center. Come out and cheer the Globetrotters on, and support the Cancer Center at the same time!
Buckets Blakes from the Harlem Globetrotters stopped by for a visit to the Montana Cancer Center, at St. Pat's hospital on March 31. The Globetrotters will be up to their usual tricks on April 14th, at the Adams Center. All the usual suspects in the radiation department all took a moment to check out Buckets spinning his ball, and signing autographs. I was more interested in seeing how I measured up to a Globetrotter! Buckets took a moment to humor me, and was quite pleased to see the proof on film. The Globetrotters will be donating $2 per ticket sold for their upcoming game, to the Montana Cancer Center. Come out and cheer the Globetrotters on, and support the Cancer Center at the same time!
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| Will the real 6'2" stand up please> |
Wednesday, January 27, 2010 How to not feel bad about one's joy
Wednesday, January 27, 2010 How to not feel bad about one's joy
This is the Hibiscus that Hermano Slick Rick and the lovely Julie brought for me the day of surgery. It was still blooming then, and I fell in love with it. It reminded me of warm sunshine and happy thoughts. It went into a plant hibernation shortly after that. I have been watching the buds come back. This bud opened up the day after my last chemo treatment, and I thought how appropriate. Things are on the downhill slide again...moving forward and getting better. This is great news. We brought in a cake to chemo to celebrate. Just seemed like we should do something. It was also all about wishing everyone else well, and to show them too, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My nurse came over and gave me a certificate for finishing. my eyes suddenly just welled up. I'm sure part of it was relief, but there was something else there too. Suddenly I really didn't want to make a big deal about getting out of there. I just wanted to slip out quietly and get home. Yes, I want to show others that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but what if there is not? Cancer is such a cruel disease, so I suppose there is light for all at the end of the tunnel in one form or another. Just doesn't make me want to appear to joyous suddenly.
My husband just came home and said that our friend who has been going through cancer as well, has it in a different spot now. I don't know if it has been there all along, or if it just moved in. All I know is it freaks me out, and the tears started flowing. Anybody I know that has got it in multiple places, don't seem to make it. It is so hard to feel comfortable being happy for myself, when I hear this news .
This is the Hibiscus that Hermano Slick Rick and the lovely Julie brought for me the day of surgery. It was still blooming then, and I fell in love with it. It reminded me of warm sunshine and happy thoughts. It went into a plant hibernation shortly after that. I have been watching the buds come back. This bud opened up the day after my last chemo treatment, and I thought how appropriate. Things are on the downhill slide again...moving forward and getting better. This is great news. We brought in a cake to chemo to celebrate. Just seemed like we should do something. It was also all about wishing everyone else well, and to show them too, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My nurse came over and gave me a certificate for finishing. my eyes suddenly just welled up. I'm sure part of it was relief, but there was something else there too. Suddenly I really didn't want to make a big deal about getting out of there. I just wanted to slip out quietly and get home. Yes, I want to show others that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but what if there is not? Cancer is such a cruel disease, so I suppose there is light for all at the end of the tunnel in one form or another. Just doesn't make me want to appear to joyous suddenly.
My husband just came home and said that our friend who has been going through cancer as well, has it in a different spot now. I don't know if it has been there all along, or if it just moved in. All I know is it freaks me out, and the tears started flowing. Anybody I know that has got it in multiple places, don't seem to make it. It is so hard to feel comfortable being happy for myself, when I hear this news .
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| New blooms for last chemo treatment |
Wednesday, January 27, 2010 The worst is supposed to be over now
Wednesday, January 27, 2010 The worst is supposed to be over now
Done, done, done, done! No more chemo, just got to get past whatever side effects this round wants to throw at me now. I felt a bit tired during treatment on Monday, and was awake most of the night. My poor husband just laughs at me by now. First you're hot, then you're cold, and now you are wide awake! We fell asleep last night by 9:30 to a movie I think, and wide awake at 1:30...both of us. Poor guy- I convinced him that we needed to watch a movie at 3 am, so we'd go back to sleep. I put in a movie about the last 2 cops pulled out of the World Trade Center, that he really didn't want to watch. My poor husband needs a nap now, as I fell back asleep about 10 minutes into the movie....and he watched the whole thing. Good thing he loves me so! Hopefully the aches won't get me too bad, and I will sleep tonight. I haven't felt any yet this time. Chemo decided I needed diarea today. I was quite happy that I still have pills for that, as I didn't fell like hanging out in the bathroom all day. I am also quite excited, as I get to go to a fun doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am going in for my green card tomorrow. I can't see any reason why they won't give me one given the circumstances.
Given the circumstances...that sounds so much better then I am sick, or have cancer. I stumble everytime I try to describe what I have...or don't have. I'm not sick...just the treatment makes me ill. I had cancer, but it is gone now...that's why I'm missing a boob right? We cut it all out of me, and the treatments make sure there are no lingering cells. So in my mind...I don't have cancer anymore. I guess that is a good question for the doc...at what point in time am I considered cancer free? I don't like to say I have cancer, because then people feel bad for you...so I want to be able to say it is gone.
Done, done, done, done! No more chemo, just got to get past whatever side effects this round wants to throw at me now. I felt a bit tired during treatment on Monday, and was awake most of the night. My poor husband just laughs at me by now. First you're hot, then you're cold, and now you are wide awake! We fell asleep last night by 9:30 to a movie I think, and wide awake at 1:30...both of us. Poor guy- I convinced him that we needed to watch a movie at 3 am, so we'd go back to sleep. I put in a movie about the last 2 cops pulled out of the World Trade Center, that he really didn't want to watch. My poor husband needs a nap now, as I fell back asleep about 10 minutes into the movie....and he watched the whole thing. Good thing he loves me so! Hopefully the aches won't get me too bad, and I will sleep tonight. I haven't felt any yet this time. Chemo decided I needed diarea today. I was quite happy that I still have pills for that, as I didn't fell like hanging out in the bathroom all day. I am also quite excited, as I get to go to a fun doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am going in for my green card tomorrow. I can't see any reason why they won't give me one given the circumstances.
Given the circumstances...that sounds so much better then I am sick, or have cancer. I stumble everytime I try to describe what I have...or don't have. I'm not sick...just the treatment makes me ill. I had cancer, but it is gone now...that's why I'm missing a boob right? We cut it all out of me, and the treatments make sure there are no lingering cells. So in my mind...I don't have cancer anymore. I guess that is a good question for the doc...at what point in time am I considered cancer free? I don't like to say I have cancer, because then people feel bad for you...so I want to be able to say it is gone.
Sunday, January 24, 2010 There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Sunday, January 24, 2010 There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Current mood: breezy
There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Current mood: breezy
There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Friday, January 22, 2010 Chemo party anyone?
Friday, January 22, 2010 Chemo party anyone?
Whee-ha! 3 more days until my last chemo! Still kickin' butt and taken names. I have a tiny sore in my mouth...but as many times as I have bit it, maybe it is not from chemo. My index finger is still numb. Playing videos games on the computer for too long is not good. I could feel it all the way up to my elbow yesterday. I quit and took a Lortab...I think it helped. I wonder how long it will be before I can have a dry sleep. I AM tired of getting soaked at night. I'm sure I am into a chemo induced menopause. If I am not, my girly doctor says that the Tamoxifen will finish the job. Good thing I am selfish in my old age and am not in the market to have children by now! (If I was younger, my girly stuff would most likely come back :)
I want to have a chemo party on Monday. Not sure what to do, except anybody is welcome to come sit with me for a couple of minutes. I wrote a couple cards out for people that should be there, and on their last treatment. I would like to try and get a sheet cake, with everyone's name's on it. Any other thoughts on what to do for a chemo party?
Whee-ha! 3 more days until my last chemo! Still kickin' butt and taken names. I have a tiny sore in my mouth...but as many times as I have bit it, maybe it is not from chemo. My index finger is still numb. Playing videos games on the computer for too long is not good. I could feel it all the way up to my elbow yesterday. I quit and took a Lortab...I think it helped. I wonder how long it will be before I can have a dry sleep. I AM tired of getting soaked at night. I'm sure I am into a chemo induced menopause. If I am not, my girly doctor says that the Tamoxifen will finish the job. Good thing I am selfish in my old age and am not in the market to have children by now! (If I was younger, my girly stuff would most likely come back :)
I want to have a chemo party on Monday. Not sure what to do, except anybody is welcome to come sit with me for a couple of minutes. I wrote a couple cards out for people that should be there, and on their last treatment. I would like to try and get a sheet cake, with everyone's name's on it. Any other thoughts on what to do for a chemo party?
Friday, January 15, 2010 1 numb index finger
Friday, January 15, 2010 1 numb index finger
Current mood: blessed
Hell, if that's the worst of the Taxol treatment...I can definetly take 1 more dose! It's side effects are supposed to be hair loss, numb fingers and toes, low white blood count, mouth sores, and primarily achy joint/muscles. Doc says blood count is great, and I'm cleared for hot tubbing. My mouth hasn't been breaking out, I ache so little, that I'm not really sure if I'm aching, my hair is still doing the same thing...barely growing and still falling out. And just my right index finger is numb....probably because it gets used the most on the computer? No naseau anymore just rocks...I have been eating whatever I want. OK, with the help of some heartburn pills, but that's OK. Oh yes...this night sweat thing is ridiculous too. favorite down pillow has really taken a beating through out this! I already am up half the night, then I just start gushing sweat. It has taken me months to figure out about taking a wet washcloth to bed with me. When I start sweating, I'l lay that wash cloth across my head. That helps cool me down and put me back to sleep way faster then nothing at all. I am still taking 1 of my good naseau pills at night too, as oit seems to help with the not sleeping.
I asked Doc on Monday about getting my port out, and how long he wanted to wait to MAKE SURE we don't need it again. He says he wants it out ASAP, he is quite confident that we won't need it again. I still don't understand fully how he knows for sure it is gone. He can tell by my blood work, and the fact that the chemo is not making me sick. I don't quite get it...and it really doesn't bother me much. Hopefully there is never a reason to regret not fully understanding some of this. I still stick by my original statement that I have to put some trust in my doctors. If I don't, I will drive myself crazy, as I am such a worry wart. I have been doing so good at keeping my worrying in check, so I don't want to screw it up now. Whew it is hard too, my money wheels have been trying to spin all day....and those are the hardest ones for me to keep in check. OK< off and running...I'll go to the post office and do my runs....got to find something else to occupy my brain space with now! Toodles!
Current mood: blessed
Hell, if that's the worst of the Taxol treatment...I can definetly take 1 more dose! It's side effects are supposed to be hair loss, numb fingers and toes, low white blood count, mouth sores, and primarily achy joint/muscles. Doc says blood count is great, and I'm cleared for hot tubbing. My mouth hasn't been breaking out, I ache so little, that I'm not really sure if I'm aching, my hair is still doing the same thing...barely growing and still falling out. And just my right index finger is numb....probably because it gets used the most on the computer? No naseau anymore just rocks...I have been eating whatever I want. OK, with the help of some heartburn pills, but that's OK. Oh yes...this night sweat thing is ridiculous too. favorite down pillow has really taken a beating through out this! I already am up half the night, then I just start gushing sweat. It has taken me months to figure out about taking a wet washcloth to bed with me. When I start sweating, I'l lay that wash cloth across my head. That helps cool me down and put me back to sleep way faster then nothing at all. I am still taking 1 of my good naseau pills at night too, as oit seems to help with the not sleeping.
I asked Doc on Monday about getting my port out, and how long he wanted to wait to MAKE SURE we don't need it again. He says he wants it out ASAP, he is quite confident that we won't need it again. I still don't understand fully how he knows for sure it is gone. He can tell by my blood work, and the fact that the chemo is not making me sick. I don't quite get it...and it really doesn't bother me much. Hopefully there is never a reason to regret not fully understanding some of this. I still stick by my original statement that I have to put some trust in my doctors. If I don't, I will drive myself crazy, as I am such a worry wart. I have been doing so good at keeping my worrying in check, so I don't want to screw it up now. Whew it is hard too, my money wheels have been trying to spin all day....and those are the hardest ones for me to keep in check. OK< off and running...I'll go to the post office and do my runs....got to find something else to occupy my brain space with now! Toodles!
Sunday, January 03, 2010 Am I lonely in the chair?
Sunday, January 03, 2010 Am I lonely in the chair?
Current mood: blessed
Awh, you guys are so sweet! Did I sound like I was lonely? Funny things happen when we are alone sometimes. Sometimes without any distractions, or responsibilities...we get to learn about ourselves, and others too! I haven't had tons of alone time since I started this. I believe one thinks about different things when alone, or a differenet quality of things when alone. I was surrounded by male doctors and nurses when we first started this. I felt I had to be so strong for everyone else, which included me. When I sat in the physical therapists chair...it was different. She was female, and had such a different way about her. She walked out of the room and came back and I was crying. Not over anything new and different, just crying...for me, for the situation I was in, for relief that I was ABLE to cry, that I was alone and had a moment for me to soak it all in. Relief that I was able to cry, as I was getting scared that I wasn't dealing with it because I hadn't cried much. She seemed to understand that all and just listened and let me be for a moment. Anybody else would probably be worried about how to "fix" it. Sometimes fixing it just means letting things be, and let one find their own conclusion.
I have never sat with someone through chemo before. I probably should have, shame on me but I did not. I lost a couple of friends to cancer last year, and my mom went through breast cancer 10 years ago. Where was I? Off living my life, partying and being self involved...or something like that. I'm hoping there a better reasons then that for why I wasn't involved, as that sounds pretty rotten. I resolve not to beat myself up about that, and take what I have learned and go forward with it. My mom still loves me, and that's all that matters. She has been one of my biggest sources of support through this...just wished she lived closer so I could visit her.
My husband has been the best at holding my hand through chemo. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't, but I am so blessed to have him everday. It means the world to me that he doesn't schedule work during chemo if he can help it, and that he is there to drive me home. Lot's of people have volunteered, but he isn't going to let them. I flip through magazines or surf the net while he is there, but I don't get totally absorbed in whatever it is until he goes for lunch. I get to distracted, and still want to take care of him, even if it is just entertaining him by being a dork. I don't know how to be any other way. I let him get me tea sometimes, and that is getting easier. Who woulda thought that could be so hard for such an independent girl?
Next time I will go sit with a friend in chemo. It is much more scary for whomever is in the chair. It is so important to make the time. Especially if someone takes the time to ask me to come...I will do my best to be there! Unless I know that someone really wants the company though, I will make it short...bring a cheeseburger, an iced frappichino, or maybe a new cooking magazine. Long enough to say hi and keep you company for a few, but short enough to give you some alone time. Or some time to visit with the other patients too. Several times I have wanted to visit with others, but I felt I was being rude to those sitting with me, or the other person in the chair had too much of their own company.
Current mood: blessed
Awh, you guys are so sweet! Did I sound like I was lonely? Funny things happen when we are alone sometimes. Sometimes without any distractions, or responsibilities...we get to learn about ourselves, and others too! I haven't had tons of alone time since I started this. I believe one thinks about different things when alone, or a differenet quality of things when alone. I was surrounded by male doctors and nurses when we first started this. I felt I had to be so strong for everyone else, which included me. When I sat in the physical therapists chair...it was different. She was female, and had such a different way about her. She walked out of the room and came back and I was crying. Not over anything new and different, just crying...for me, for the situation I was in, for relief that I was ABLE to cry, that I was alone and had a moment for me to soak it all in. Relief that I was able to cry, as I was getting scared that I wasn't dealing with it because I hadn't cried much. She seemed to understand that all and just listened and let me be for a moment. Anybody else would probably be worried about how to "fix" it. Sometimes fixing it just means letting things be, and let one find their own conclusion.
I have never sat with someone through chemo before. I probably should have, shame on me but I did not. I lost a couple of friends to cancer last year, and my mom went through breast cancer 10 years ago. Where was I? Off living my life, partying and being self involved...or something like that. I'm hoping there a better reasons then that for why I wasn't involved, as that sounds pretty rotten. I resolve not to beat myself up about that, and take what I have learned and go forward with it. My mom still loves me, and that's all that matters. She has been one of my biggest sources of support through this...just wished she lived closer so I could visit her.
My husband has been the best at holding my hand through chemo. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't, but I am so blessed to have him everday. It means the world to me that he doesn't schedule work during chemo if he can help it, and that he is there to drive me home. Lot's of people have volunteered, but he isn't going to let them. I flip through magazines or surf the net while he is there, but I don't get totally absorbed in whatever it is until he goes for lunch. I get to distracted, and still want to take care of him, even if it is just entertaining him by being a dork. I don't know how to be any other way. I let him get me tea sometimes, and that is getting easier. Who woulda thought that could be so hard for such an independent girl?
Next time I will go sit with a friend in chemo. It is much more scary for whomever is in the chair. It is so important to make the time. Especially if someone takes the time to ask me to come...I will do my best to be there! Unless I know that someone really wants the company though, I will make it short...bring a cheeseburger, an iced frappichino, or maybe a new cooking magazine. Long enough to say hi and keep you company for a few, but short enough to give you some alone time. Or some time to visit with the other patients too. Several times I have wanted to visit with others, but I felt I was being rude to those sitting with me, or the other person in the chair had too much of their own company.
Monday, December 28, 2009 Sitting in the chemo chair
Monday, December 28, 2009 Sitting in the chemo chair
Here I am, in the chair again! I got a new laptop, so I can surf away while I am here. I don't think my windows messenger works in here, but the myspace IM looks like it works. The hospital must block certain content on their guest network? I don't know...I'm still new to laptops and networks.
It is 12:40, and I checked in at 10:45. My doc is on vacation, and they only have 2 of 3 chemo sections available. I think people must be out on vacation, so it is taking longer then usual. Looks like my benadryl bag is empty now. LA is hoping it made me sleepy again, but they only gave me a half dose this time, so I probably won't sllep. Much better then the full dose like last time...made me really woosy. So just waiting for my nurse to come start my Taxol. Then just 2 more chemos ro go! Here is Cheryll now with my bag. If I remember right, this drip takes about 2.5 hours. The candy striper ladies just came through offering fresh candy. None of that stale stuff in the jars next to me! They are so funny!
I am alone at the moment. LA escaped for a few, hoping I fall asleep. Is he bringing me a bacon double cheeseburger, or a chicken bake from Costco? It is quiet in here now. There was a gal with a red drip earlier. I always know when it is breast cancer, as those are the only people that get red drips. I didn't get to talk to her, as she was surrounded by famly the whole time. I was curious as to how old she is, as she looks a few younger then me still. I have 2 older men in chairs in my section, but they are pretty quiet LA gave up his chair, so the one man's wife could sit down. All the drips are working...they make me pee alot. The young girl taught me the trick of taking the bag off the hanger, instead of draging the hanger and all around. Dragging the hangermakes me feel like an invalid, so this is better. I feel good, maybe I can feel it a tiny bit in my sinus', but not much. I feel a bit chilly, but not enough to go find a blanket. I'll just be dripping sweat shortly anyways...I'll be pouring sweat out the top of my bald head anytime now! OK, enough for now...maybe I'll come back to this...gotta pee again!
Here I am, in the chair again! I got a new laptop, so I can surf away while I am here. I don't think my windows messenger works in here, but the myspace IM looks like it works. The hospital must block certain content on their guest network? I don't know...I'm still new to laptops and networks.
It is 12:40, and I checked in at 10:45. My doc is on vacation, and they only have 2 of 3 chemo sections available. I think people must be out on vacation, so it is taking longer then usual. Looks like my benadryl bag is empty now. LA is hoping it made me sleepy again, but they only gave me a half dose this time, so I probably won't sllep. Much better then the full dose like last time...made me really woosy. So just waiting for my nurse to come start my Taxol. Then just 2 more chemos ro go! Here is Cheryll now with my bag. If I remember right, this drip takes about 2.5 hours. The candy striper ladies just came through offering fresh candy. None of that stale stuff in the jars next to me! They are so funny!
I am alone at the moment. LA escaped for a few, hoping I fall asleep. Is he bringing me a bacon double cheeseburger, or a chicken bake from Costco? It is quiet in here now. There was a gal with a red drip earlier. I always know when it is breast cancer, as those are the only people that get red drips. I didn't get to talk to her, as she was surrounded by famly the whole time. I was curious as to how old she is, as she looks a few younger then me still. I have 2 older men in chairs in my section, but they are pretty quiet LA gave up his chair, so the one man's wife could sit down. All the drips are working...they make me pee alot. The young girl taught me the trick of taking the bag off the hanger, instead of draging the hanger and all around. Dragging the hangermakes me feel like an invalid, so this is better. I feel good, maybe I can feel it a tiny bit in my sinus', but not much. I feel a bit chilly, but not enough to go find a blanket. I'll just be dripping sweat shortly anyways...I'll be pouring sweat out the top of my bald head anytime now! OK, enough for now...maybe I'll come back to this...gotta pee again!
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| 6th chemo treatment |
1st Taxol treatment, so far so good
1st Taxol treatment, so far so good
Current mood: confused
Whee ha! Can't believe I only have 3 treatments left! Yippee! I still can't figure out where the time has gone. I had my first Taxol treatment on Monday. I was pretty nervous this time, and didn't want to go. I was afraid I was going to get sick in the chair like last time. I went though...have to of course. They gave me Benydryl this time first, can't remember why. That made me feeel pretty whoozy. Crankcase and my husband sat with me for awhile- chomping at the bit wanting to know what I wanted for lunch. Food was the last thing that sounded good. Finally I sent them off for a bacon double cheeseburger and fries. I was quite surprised that it actually went down alright. I think the Benydryl had started wearing off by then. They left me and went to visit J-Paul for awile, and I finally kicked back and went to sleep. 1st time I've actually slept in the chair. This was a longer session this time. 10:45, and done at 3pm. The candy stripers came around and gave me a new hat. So I fell asleep with my hands in the knit hat, my coat on my lap..plus a quilt. So needless to say, I was quite surprised to wake up with my drip done, no husband, and my head just absolutely drenched in sweat. I did it...done...3 more to go!
We are now on Wed. I had heartburn on Monday, and into Tues. Nothing that Zantac 75 doesn't take care of. I was up all day yesterday doing bookwork. I didn't want anything to do with my computer chair by 3:30 when I came back from my banking. I spent the rest of the evening on my bed. I ate gumbo...food was good. The aches were coming on though. I finally took some pain meds to go to sleep. Still up and down all night, and alternating between sweating and chills. I felt like an old lady this morning. Took another pain pill and drifted off. I feel pretty good now physically. I want to throttle my stubborn husband, but that's another story. I will keep my sanity somehow! My baby sista is coming to visit me tomorrow. That will be great...I will be so happy to see her!
Current mood: confused
Whee ha! Can't believe I only have 3 treatments left! Yippee! I still can't figure out where the time has gone. I had my first Taxol treatment on Monday. I was pretty nervous this time, and didn't want to go. I was afraid I was going to get sick in the chair like last time. I went though...have to of course. They gave me Benydryl this time first, can't remember why. That made me feeel pretty whoozy. Crankcase and my husband sat with me for awhile- chomping at the bit wanting to know what I wanted for lunch. Food was the last thing that sounded good. Finally I sent them off for a bacon double cheeseburger and fries. I was quite surprised that it actually went down alright. I think the Benydryl had started wearing off by then. They left me and went to visit J-Paul for awile, and I finally kicked back and went to sleep. 1st time I've actually slept in the chair. This was a longer session this time. 10:45, and done at 3pm. The candy stripers came around and gave me a new hat. So I fell asleep with my hands in the knit hat, my coat on my lap..plus a quilt. So needless to say, I was quite surprised to wake up with my drip done, no husband, and my head just absolutely drenched in sweat. I did it...done...3 more to go!
We are now on Wed. I had heartburn on Monday, and into Tues. Nothing that Zantac 75 doesn't take care of. I was up all day yesterday doing bookwork. I didn't want anything to do with my computer chair by 3:30 when I came back from my banking. I spent the rest of the evening on my bed. I ate gumbo...food was good. The aches were coming on though. I finally took some pain meds to go to sleep. Still up and down all night, and alternating between sweating and chills. I felt like an old lady this morning. Took another pain pill and drifted off. I feel pretty good now physically. I want to throttle my stubborn husband, but that's another story. I will keep my sanity somehow! My baby sista is coming to visit me tomorrow. That will be great...I will be so happy to see her!
Tuesday, December 08, 2009 Feeling chipper a week after last A/C treatment
Tuesday, December 08, 2009 Feeling chipper a week after last A/C treatment
Current mood: breezy
Alternatively titled- I took a great poop today! LOL, too gross for some, but just my normal these days! Hey, at least I'm not posting a picture for you! So if I feel good today, and things are going well out the other end...that must mean to gargle extra with my salt water. Means it's time for my mouth to be sore, and I noticed I was losing stubs of hair last night. And I don't care...overall I finally feel better.
It was a long haul this time...almost a week of feeling cruddy. It started in the chair this time, with nausea. The soup and sandwich that hubby brought me did not taste good...though I'm sure it was good. And the smell....chemo must heighten one's sense of smell. I'll have to remember to ask. All I could smell was rubbing alcohol, even when it wasn't in use this time. Never bothered me before. Great...just did an experiment and yes, it makes me gag now. I hope that goes away! So we were going to go to J-Paul's and go eat more deep fried turkey after treatment, but we went home. That sucked, as I have been doing pretty good until about Wed. after treatment before I start feeling it. Not this time. Just tired, lethargic and a bit nauseated. I think the worst is I can hear my stomach gurgling at about 5 am, when it's cruddy. I know it's time to go to the potty, and take a diarea pill. Up and down, waking hubby up. Now stomach is hungry, and I know I need to eat. Nothing sounds good, not even coffee. Tea maybe. I got the diarea routine down this time, but it still takes awhile to get it to quiet down. Food is hard to get down, as nothing sounds good...especially in the morning. I do better by afternoon, but then to find something that tastes right. Good thing for our little grocery store in Arlee, because I have been a pain to feed, as I'm never quite sure what is going to work out. I could go grocery shopping 1 day, and it not sound good the next. My body gets a little bit achy, but nothing some ibuprofen won't cure. It feels cruddy, but I'm guessing it's not that bad compared to what others maybe feel...just because I seem to be flying through this. I think the most frustrating for me is I feel bad, but not that bad. I want to get out of bed and do stuff, but then I just don't feel that hot. I feel like I shouldn't be lying in bed if it's not that bad. I've never been one to get sick much, plus I've always had to take care of myself. Pop a cold pill and go to work, the bills have to get paid somehow. So I'm not really used to being babied much. It makes me feel very special and loved though. I know some of this is gross, but don't read it. I want to write it, less I forget it and can't describe it to someone who wants or needs to know.
Onward and forward though...Chemo Doc says we are through the worst. My last 4 are Taxol, and nasea is not supposed to be a side effect. This time body/joint aches are the biggy. He has already sent me home with a script for that, so hopefully that is more controlable then the nausea. I can do this, just 4 left! Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with blogging better these go rounds, as I will have my new lap top in another week. It will be way faster so my patience doesn't run out....and I don't have to sit at this desk if my back is hurting. I will even have more patience for IM'ing and camming! Not kidding...I am sitting with my pet dinosaur here, whom I will not miss! OK, I'm just blabbering now, and avoiding real work...talk to y'all later!
Current mood: breezy
Alternatively titled- I took a great poop today! LOL, too gross for some, but just my normal these days! Hey, at least I'm not posting a picture for you! So if I feel good today, and things are going well out the other end...that must mean to gargle extra with my salt water. Means it's time for my mouth to be sore, and I noticed I was losing stubs of hair last night. And I don't care...overall I finally feel better.
It was a long haul this time...almost a week of feeling cruddy. It started in the chair this time, with nausea. The soup and sandwich that hubby brought me did not taste good...though I'm sure it was good. And the smell....chemo must heighten one's sense of smell. I'll have to remember to ask. All I could smell was rubbing alcohol, even when it wasn't in use this time. Never bothered me before. Great...just did an experiment and yes, it makes me gag now. I hope that goes away! So we were going to go to J-Paul's and go eat more deep fried turkey after treatment, but we went home. That sucked, as I have been doing pretty good until about Wed. after treatment before I start feeling it. Not this time. Just tired, lethargic and a bit nauseated. I think the worst is I can hear my stomach gurgling at about 5 am, when it's cruddy. I know it's time to go to the potty, and take a diarea pill. Up and down, waking hubby up. Now stomach is hungry, and I know I need to eat. Nothing sounds good, not even coffee. Tea maybe. I got the diarea routine down this time, but it still takes awhile to get it to quiet down. Food is hard to get down, as nothing sounds good...especially in the morning. I do better by afternoon, but then to find something that tastes right. Good thing for our little grocery store in Arlee, because I have been a pain to feed, as I'm never quite sure what is going to work out. I could go grocery shopping 1 day, and it not sound good the next. My body gets a little bit achy, but nothing some ibuprofen won't cure. It feels cruddy, but I'm guessing it's not that bad compared to what others maybe feel...just because I seem to be flying through this. I think the most frustrating for me is I feel bad, but not that bad. I want to get out of bed and do stuff, but then I just don't feel that hot. I feel like I shouldn't be lying in bed if it's not that bad. I've never been one to get sick much, plus I've always had to take care of myself. Pop a cold pill and go to work, the bills have to get paid somehow. So I'm not really used to being babied much. It makes me feel very special and loved though. I know some of this is gross, but don't read it. I want to write it, less I forget it and can't describe it to someone who wants or needs to know.
Onward and forward though...Chemo Doc says we are through the worst. My last 4 are Taxol, and nasea is not supposed to be a side effect. This time body/joint aches are the biggy. He has already sent me home with a script for that, so hopefully that is more controlable then the nausea. I can do this, just 4 left! Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with blogging better these go rounds, as I will have my new lap top in another week. It will be way faster so my patience doesn't run out....and I don't have to sit at this desk if my back is hurting. I will even have more patience for IM'ing and camming! Not kidding...I am sitting with my pet dinosaur here, whom I will not miss! OK, I'm just blabbering now, and avoiding real work...talk to y'all later!
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| I bet this is the last time I get a hangover in awhile! |
Wednesday, December 02, 2009 Catching up on blogging!
Hi all, I'm back! My blogs are moved...hopefully it's not too graphic for you, as this is me. Let's see where to start...missed a whole month somehow. I just finished the last of my A/C chemo on Monday. I have 4 more Taxol chemos to go. Doc says this kind is much easier, and I think no nausea. He wrote me another pain script, as he says this set will make my body more achy probably. My blood counts look great, and he is VERY pleased with my progress...as are LA and I. In fact I feel so good most of the time, I almost feel bad sharing that with people. Only because I'd hate for someone to think it was that easy and then have a miserable time of it...if that makes sense.
LA and I are still in amazement over a couple of things...first...how fast time has been flying by. # months already since diagnosis. Wait, I think he thinks it feels like 9 months...and I think it has just zoomed. Everythime we walk in the chemo room, we ask where did these 2 weeks go? Whereever they went, I consider myself to be so blessed that time is not dragging for me. Spring will be here before we know it, with my hair growing back....and I can ride with out my watchdogs worring about me getting sick! Secondly, so amazed at how well I feel. The docs and everyone seem to be quite impressed by my healing. What is it that feels like I am so special in all this? I don't get it at all! Is it my age, my health...that tumor was not very small as far as cancer goes. Is it my state of mind...what is it? I read somewhere that one will probably deal with cancer the same way that they dealt with life before cancer. That makes sense, and makes me feel really good. As far as my health goes...maybe I am in much better health then I give myself credit for. I consider myself to be healthy...and very lucky. I was pretty rough on my body in my 20's, as wild childs sometimes are! I've drank way more then my share of booze, been addicted to crack and meth...bout the only drug I never felt the urge to try was heroin. I ate like shit for many years.Lots of birth control. I suppose all these things are possibly WHERE the cancer came from maybe, but we'll never know. I think I just got lucky, and am very healthy besides the cancer. I'm sure my health is a lot of the reason whay I am strong enough to fight this. LA figures that my body has built up sort of an immune system from all the bad shit, and therefore maybe I am better able to fight it because of the bad shit. Hmmm, something to chew on!
Anyways, if you didn't get it- overall I feel great. I put 40+ miles on my bike on Nov. 9, a week after treatment. It was awesome, the sun was out and my hand was on the throttle. I was crying because I felt like supergirl...it was amazing. I rode into Zootown, to go visit another lady just diagnosed. She gets a mastectomy in a week. I really wanted to go meet her, and it was important to me to go show her me on my bike. Her and her hubby ride as well. I wanted to show her how well I was healed, and how spunky I was feeling. It was just awesome to meet her, and so rewarding to visit her. Little bit cold coming home, as I didn't take all my leathers off while visiting her.
I went for another ride on the 17th. Just to Arlee for my errands. It was 60+ degress out and sunny. My watchdogs got home before I took off. Crankcase and my husband were not pleased that I was going. I am done till spring, or else Crankcase will flatten my tires! They are just worried about me getting sick, with my weakened immune system. I went, as I felt good and I was warm and spunky. I really wanted to ride without a hat on, but I figured I better not push it with my guards. Someone told me it was really erotic with a fresh shaved head in the wind! I did take my beanie off when I got to Arlee, but I'm sure it doesn't feel the same without the highway air! My husband came and found me and he didn't get too mad. I did however put my hats back on, before I lost him when we took off for home. Sorry honey...you too slow...and your bike is way faster then mine. The boys were probably onto something, as my temp went up to 102.8 4 days later. That was not fun, and I will be much more careful now. Still glad I got that last ride in for the year though...no regrets!
What else? There is light at the end of the tunnel for finances. We got some stuff figured out, and working on more. I have a new accountant on board, so hopefully that will help. Please give a big shout out to the Dirty Corner Chapter of the Hermanos. They are selling tickets for an enclosed trailer, along with the newly formed Pink Ladies. They have all been promoting like crazy! Those girls got themselves on the radio, and I think there is a link on the Blaze. This is the part that makes me feel so emotional...and so loved. I always knew I was a good person...but my family just makes me feel moree special and loved then I ever knew. Thank you all, and thanks for soaking my face and shirt again! I keep saying, "what can I do to help", and it is hard to accept that my place is just healing right now. My time will come so I can pay it forward. OK, enough blogging for now...I need a rest.
Hi all, I'm back! My blogs are moved...hopefully it's not too graphic for you, as this is me. Let's see where to start...missed a whole month somehow. I just finished the last of my A/C chemo on Monday. I have 4 more Taxol chemos to go. Doc says this kind is much easier, and I think no nausea. He wrote me another pain script, as he says this set will make my body more achy probably. My blood counts look great, and he is VERY pleased with my progress...as are LA and I. In fact I feel so good most of the time, I almost feel bad sharing that with people. Only because I'd hate for someone to think it was that easy and then have a miserable time of it...if that makes sense.
LA and I are still in amazement over a couple of things...first...how fast time has been flying by. # months already since diagnosis. Wait, I think he thinks it feels like 9 months...and I think it has just zoomed. Everythime we walk in the chemo room, we ask where did these 2 weeks go? Whereever they went, I consider myself to be so blessed that time is not dragging for me. Spring will be here before we know it, with my hair growing back....and I can ride with out my watchdogs worring about me getting sick! Secondly, so amazed at how well I feel. The docs and everyone seem to be quite impressed by my healing. What is it that feels like I am so special in all this? I don't get it at all! Is it my age, my health...that tumor was not very small as far as cancer goes. Is it my state of mind...what is it? I read somewhere that one will probably deal with cancer the same way that they dealt with life before cancer. That makes sense, and makes me feel really good. As far as my health goes...maybe I am in much better health then I give myself credit for. I consider myself to be healthy...and very lucky. I was pretty rough on my body in my 20's, as wild childs sometimes are! I've drank way more then my share of booze, been addicted to crack and meth...bout the only drug I never felt the urge to try was heroin. I ate like shit for many years.Lots of birth control. I suppose all these things are possibly WHERE the cancer came from maybe, but we'll never know. I think I just got lucky, and am very healthy besides the cancer. I'm sure my health is a lot of the reason whay I am strong enough to fight this. LA figures that my body has built up sort of an immune system from all the bad shit, and therefore maybe I am better able to fight it because of the bad shit. Hmmm, something to chew on!
Anyways, if you didn't get it- overall I feel great. I put 40+ miles on my bike on Nov. 9, a week after treatment. It was awesome, the sun was out and my hand was on the throttle. I was crying because I felt like supergirl...it was amazing. I rode into Zootown, to go visit another lady just diagnosed. She gets a mastectomy in a week. I really wanted to go meet her, and it was important to me to go show her me on my bike. Her and her hubby ride as well. I wanted to show her how well I was healed, and how spunky I was feeling. It was just awesome to meet her, and so rewarding to visit her. Little bit cold coming home, as I didn't take all my leathers off while visiting her.
I went for another ride on the 17th. Just to Arlee for my errands. It was 60+ degress out and sunny. My watchdogs got home before I took off. Crankcase and my husband were not pleased that I was going. I am done till spring, or else Crankcase will flatten my tires! They are just worried about me getting sick, with my weakened immune system. I went, as I felt good and I was warm and spunky. I really wanted to ride without a hat on, but I figured I better not push it with my guards. Someone told me it was really erotic with a fresh shaved head in the wind! I did take my beanie off when I got to Arlee, but I'm sure it doesn't feel the same without the highway air! My husband came and found me and he didn't get too mad. I did however put my hats back on, before I lost him when we took off for home. Sorry honey...you too slow...and your bike is way faster then mine. The boys were probably onto something, as my temp went up to 102.8 4 days later. That was not fun, and I will be much more careful now. Still glad I got that last ride in for the year though...no regrets!
What else? There is light at the end of the tunnel for finances. We got some stuff figured out, and working on more. I have a new accountant on board, so hopefully that will help. Please give a big shout out to the Dirty Corner Chapter of the Hermanos. They are selling tickets for an enclosed trailer, along with the newly formed Pink Ladies. They have all been promoting like crazy! Those girls got themselves on the radio, and I think there is a link on the Blaze. This is the part that makes me feel so emotional...and so loved. I always knew I was a good person...but my family just makes me feel moree special and loved then I ever knew. Thank you all, and thanks for soaking my face and shirt again! I keep saying, "what can I do to help", and it is hard to accept that my place is just healing right now. My time will come so I can pay it forward. OK, enough blogging for now...I need a rest.
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| My Pink Ladies! |
Monday, October 26, 2009 It's falling out already!
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| Last haircut for awhile! |
Monday, October 26, 2009 It's falling out already!
Yikes, that was fast! I started losing my hair on Saturday. I was blow drying my hair with some gel, and was pulling on it gently to make my wing thingies. I looked at my hands and sure enough, there was hair stuck in the gel. I knew exactly what it was, even though it wasn't a big clump. It's OK, as we knew this was coming...I just
didn't expect it for another month. We went out to a chili cook pff, and of course I got quite a charge out of pulling out my hir to shock friends. I know, I'm whacked...but if I can make you laugh with me then it's alright! So off to Susan's today, to get 1 last haircut. Just enough to not make such a big mess. As prepared as I can be to shave the whole thing. On a lighter note, I had a bra on and pulled a t-shirt on over my head for Saturday's adventures. I do believe I have felt more energetic the past week, then this whole thing started. My arm is functioning so much better, and I'm sure that that helps. Maybe I'll be done with physical therapy on Thursday. I don't have to see my surgeon for 6 months now. Moving forward, and still smiling!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009 Thoughts on quitting smoking and & $!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009 Thoughts on quitting smoking and & $!
Good morning all!
Today is a better morning then yesterday. I am feeling well, but my mind is cloudy. First off...I HAVE to quit smoking....I don't want to! I know I need to, but don't I have enough on my plate already? I'm supposed to put on a patch tomorrow, in honor of the day that I met my hubby. I'm trying not to smoke like a chimney, which I should have started at the beginning of the week. I have 10 cigarettes left for today, with another pack in the freezer. Honey, I know I'm supposed to start the patch tomorrow, but let me see if I can stay under 10, and take it outside. I promise I will do this. Then try the patch on Monday. OMG, I just sound aweful, and I know I need to. Anybody ever tried Hypnosis?
My mind is also a bit clearer about finances. What am I going to do about this? Still don't know, but I am calmer today. Here I am typing now, instead of doing work, and calling the social worker to see what she says to do. I have been avoiding it, but I need to get on it. I am having a really hard time wrapping my brain around this. I don't want someone else to pay for this, but yet I really can't afford another payment. My debt, even though it's not my fault...just the way the ball bounces. I already am having a hard time meeting prior obligations, some which include past medical bills. I feel guilty because I have an oppurtunity to sign an oil and gas lease in Texas. Currently this would bring in just a few thousand dollars. This is mineral rights that I didn't know existed until a year ago. This is left over from an inheritance wen I was 16. I blew $60,000 by the time I was 21. When I found out about the leasing oppurtunity, and how much it is possibly worth...I thought, cool I get another chance to do it again right this time. Invest it wisely. Now I don't even want to touch the lease, because rightfully it should pay off some past debt. I don't want to do that...I want the chance again to invest in my future. Not that I don't want to pay the debts owed, as I do. But this money, could be invested to the future. Especially if I sit on it, and wait for the leasing to pick up...then maybe $20,000. Even then, $20,0000 would be gone- with nothing to show for it again, except some bills paid. Am I wrong, or being greedy? Does anybody have a better way to wrap my brain around this?
Good morning all!
Today is a better morning then yesterday. I am feeling well, but my mind is cloudy. First off...I HAVE to quit smoking....I don't want to! I know I need to, but don't I have enough on my plate already? I'm supposed to put on a patch tomorrow, in honor of the day that I met my hubby. I'm trying not to smoke like a chimney, which I should have started at the beginning of the week. I have 10 cigarettes left for today, with another pack in the freezer. Honey, I know I'm supposed to start the patch tomorrow, but let me see if I can stay under 10, and take it outside. I promise I will do this. Then try the patch on Monday. OMG, I just sound aweful, and I know I need to. Anybody ever tried Hypnosis?
My mind is also a bit clearer about finances. What am I going to do about this? Still don't know, but I am calmer today. Here I am typing now, instead of doing work, and calling the social worker to see what she says to do. I have been avoiding it, but I need to get on it. I am having a really hard time wrapping my brain around this. I don't want someone else to pay for this, but yet I really can't afford another payment. My debt, even though it's not my fault...just the way the ball bounces. I already am having a hard time meeting prior obligations, some which include past medical bills. I feel guilty because I have an oppurtunity to sign an oil and gas lease in Texas. Currently this would bring in just a few thousand dollars. This is mineral rights that I didn't know existed until a year ago. This is left over from an inheritance wen I was 16. I blew $60,000 by the time I was 21. When I found out about the leasing oppurtunity, and how much it is possibly worth...I thought, cool I get another chance to do it again right this time. Invest it wisely. Now I don't even want to touch the lease, because rightfully it should pay off some past debt. I don't want to do that...I want the chance again to invest in my future. Not that I don't want to pay the debts owed, as I do. But this money, could be invested to the future. Especially if I sit on it, and wait for the leasing to pick up...then maybe $20,000. Even then, $20,0000 would be gone- with nothing to show for it again, except some bills paid. Am I wrong, or being greedy? Does anybody have a better way to wrap my brain around this?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009 Oct. 12- 1st chemo treatment
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| The famous red cocktail |
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| 1st chemo treatment |
Well folks, 1 down and 7 to go! I got checked into the Montana Cancer Center at 10:45 am, and got done at 2:30 pm- my first treatment done. I had a teary moment when we walked in. I guess I thought I was going into an office first to talk to the doctor. I got to the desk and they told me to pick a chair, and that spooked me for a second. Poor LA, he doesn't like to see the tears. I settled down and explained why, and we were off and running. It was all good. First we got my port a cath all blown out, and drew some blood. Could barely feel the needle going into the port...why one anyone not choose to have one???? We then sat around waiting on the blood work to get looked at, (I think) and waited for Dr. Snyder to come check on me to see how I was doing. We didn't get the Nuprgen shot approved in time, so we will wait 3 weeks for round 2, and by then that should be approved and we can go every two weeks. He says my b-12 is not low, so not to worry about b-12 shots as suggested.
The chemo room was nice. We just sat down in the closest chairs, instead of looking around. I kept trying to hear what everyone else was talking about, and the older lady next to me didn't seem to mind that I was curiously watching what was going on with her. Her nurse was pretty funny with all her people. My nurse reminded me of Lizabetta with her accent. She said she was from New Zealand though, not Italy. The chemo room seemed like it got fairly busy in the time that I was there. I could see that they might not want too many visitors- taking up room and too much noise. I would imagine that people kind of group up in certain rooms where they can chat with regulars...kinda like a bar! There were ladies coming through with big boxes of candy- offering your choice and filling up candy jars within easy reach of the comfy chairs. They also had a fridge with plenty of juices, water coffee and tea on hand. I was tickled pink to find out that I could at least get up and move around in the facility with my IV rack.
Next my nurse got me started with a nausia IV drip for about 20 minutes. Probably just in case, as I only just received 2 scripts for nausia meds right then. Then we went onto Happy hour! I had a red drip, which was the adriamycin I think. This was about an half hour drip I think. So far so good, can't feel anything. I glanced through some magazines, as I had forgotten my new Diana Gabaldon at home. LA stayed with me the whole time, except when he went to get us lunch at the Big Sky Drive-in. Why do hospitals always make me hungry? Then onto the Cytoxan drip. This was about an hour long. My nurse will leave a note to slow down that drip next time, as it got to my sinus a bit. Annoying, but bearable. I was more worried that it would lead to a head ache if it went too long. It was gone within 10 minutes of being unplugged, so not too bad. So I did it, not too bad. I would expect to be in there an average of 3 hours probably, even though actual treatment is 2 hours.
LA and I then went grocery shopping at the new Safeway, and picked up my scripts. I only needed 4 things...but ya gotta love a NEW Safeway...sorry Linney...they got a way bigger cheese selection then Albertson's. I felt fine, just a little drained. I chalk that more up to the stress then anything. We got home and I walked over and visited Susan and Gloria with a treat and a glass off wine. I knew they would want to know how it went. 1 wine was enough...I don't know if it was nerves, nausia or just too much munching. I still ate a nice dinner that we prepared together, so I think it was more nerves. Had a nice quiet, lazy evening. I think LA felt worse then me, probably from worry. Over all, I felt pretty good last night. The nurse said that I probably would, and might have troubles sleeping, because of that initial nausia drip. I haven't taken any nausia meds yet. My nurse suggested taking the weaker of the 2 today, but I haven't yet. I want to know how it feels first, just so I know. I will try not to let it get too bad...but I still have to know how it feels. I wasn't expecting anything too bad for a couple of treatments, but the nurse led me to believe that I might feel stuff sooner. We shall see. OK, off and running...ton of stuff that I need to do today, but I'm sure I'll only get half done. I better get in the habit of saline mouthwashes today, to protect my mouth from sores. Onto my excercises today, and my first physical therapy tomorrow!
Monday, October 05, 2009 Last week's beauty class, and more!
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| 1 week after surgery |
Monday, October 05, 2009 Last week's beauty class, and more!
We talked about what we would like to see happen in this process. LA keeps thinking home will be good for us through the winter, so we are again talking about what makes the home more comfortable. I have had 3 different offers of places to go relax after chemo near the hospital. This is so kind and wonderful. Of course all I can think of right now, is how good home will sound. I have high hopes that it won't be so bad. I have heard stories of 4 days a week treatment. We are not looking at such a harsh schedule, and I don't know why. In my mind, my cancer must not be as bad as they are telling me if I don't have a harsh schedule. I would think because of my age and health, that they would want to stick it to me as my body can probably tolerate it a lot better then a 60 year old. Anyway, my hopes are that it is not too hard on me, of course. Hopefully I can continue though with my end of the business. Except for packing concrete. I just bought my way out of packing heavy concrete forever. Too much weight with my left arm is no longer an option, for the risk of lymphedema. So I want to keep working and doing my share. I hope I still feel like cooking and eating. I don't want my taste buds to get shot, as I love good food! Hopefully hubby doesn't have to cook much. I want us to stay strong and grow closer because of this. I want to not have to worry about us. I want to be able to focus on all the positives I can to take away from this.
The most important part to me is- I want to find my niche to help make this easier on someone else. How, I'm not quite sure yet. It could be a combination of things. I need to find out what the Missoula area needs, as our area is much smaller and may be lacking in things. I looked on the internet originally to find if there was a recycling center of sorts for post mastectomy clothing. I knew that I needed some clothes myself. I just wasn't sure what. I was quite dissapointed that I didn't find anything on the net, other then brand new expensive clothing. I didn't dig that hard, so there may be places out there. I thought that if I need this, I know there are women out there that need it way worse then I do. I was quite pleased to find that there are local places out there. Lots of people don't have insurance, so there has to be a way.
On Thursday, I found the American Cancer Society's wig room at St. Pat's. All free for the taking. All professionally cleaned...take what you want. I didn't find a wig I liked at that moment, but I did later that day. They also had all kinds of wonderful knitted caps in there from knotsoflove.org I took a cute Red & Gold one. From thre I went to a Look Good, Feel Better class. 3 other women were signed up, but it was just me that day. I was a bit dissappointed, as I was hoping there was someone else there that I might find a connection with. This class teaches women about skin care during treatment, and about wigs. I was feelng good that day, so I came dressed, with makeup and hair done already. We all laughed, as I had to be the model because no one else showed. I was a good sport. I had to sit at a table and take off all the makeup that I had just put on, with a clip screwing up my freshly done hair. Oh, well...I was being a good sport. They set me down with a wonderful cosmetic kit, for me to leave with. It was full of medium shades for me, donated from all kinds of different companies.. The Origins cleanser was the best. It cleansed well, but did not leave my face dry. It sounds like keeping moisturised will be very important during chemo. I had all sorts of extra throw away pads, mascara brushes etc to start with, so everything stays sanitary. Can't be getting germy, to easy for stuff to spread if my immune system gets weak! Now I found a bottle of Dove sensitive face lotion...fragrance and dye free of course!. There was also a small tube of Lindi face serum for wrinkles. We are all laughing, as the teachers are all professional cosmetologists volunteering their time. I know you are supposed to work your lotions in an upward motion when you apply it, from cosmetology school all those years ago....but that tip went out the door when I left the class. So it was like learning facial care all over again, as I was vowed to be a good sport/student. It was hard to not do my regular habits! Next I found 2 tubes of foundation. I got a Maybelline Mineral Powder foundation...which is great, but alas too dark at this time of year. I settled for a tiny tube of Clarins Matte Foundation instead. There was a fat under eye pencil from Physician's Formula, with a great sponge on the end. I found a great eyeliner pencil from Rimmel with a brush on the end. I have quite light sparse, eyebrows anyways, so I was quite tickled to know that I already had a pretty good idea of how to give myself some eyebrows. Ooh, more goodies! Now we were getting into stuff that I wouldn't by for myself. Here is a beautiful eyeshadow, blush lip gloss case from Chanel. Came with a velvet bag, and brushes. Too cool, now I just have to figure out how to use these colors. They are a bit more subtle then what I would normally choose, but this may be better if I have no facial hair as in brows, and eye lashes. I lined my eyes with a metallic black liner from Physician's Formula. Now we have a Chanel mascara to finish off my lashes with. I chose an additional blush by American Beauty, as it was more my normal shade. For powder I found a wonderful blue and gold jeweled pressed powder compact from Estee Lauder...never in a million years would I buy that for myself! Onto lips...choices, choices and more choices! Here I found a duel end lip liner from Merle Norman, a cool pump brush gloss from Chanel again, a silver shimmer gloss from Bobbi Brown, and my new favorite...a Roseapple Lipstick from Aveda. All this came in a red zippered bag, and sealed in plastic. It was such a wonderful experience, and a big shout out to all who donated. It was mostly more fun for me then learning, but I can imagine how many women out there don't know how to do these things for themselves...and how badly they may need this emotional lift up. I did however walk away with new knowledge. I sat down on Saturday and took off my acrylic nails. The girls said they had to go. Too easy for them to dry and crack, and bacterias to get in underneath. So my lovely claws are gone, but I told my nail gal that I'll see her again in the spring! We also talked about wigs. I know have a better use then dusting for my husband's cut off shirt sleeves. Sew the ends and they will keep my head warm, and will work great as a wig liner on a sensitive head. We did some turbans out of the shirt bottom as well. I got a little bit more comfortable with wigs, as my husband would love to see me as a red head! I am willing to try a fun wig, but not for $300. Gives me a chance to try out some new styles, now that I don't have to worry about messing up all that hair. I was still kinda sad that I didn't see a wig that I liked. The only one I did...looked green. Never fear though, Judy from American Cancer Society, had just emptied out the basket in the wig room for cleaning. She pulled out a cute bobbed thing with bangs. It was brown, but had all the pretty fun colors streaked in there with some reds and browns. I didn't try it on, so I hope it's the right size. Judy knows my number, so I will be awfully surprised if she doesn't call me to tell me it's cleaned...she saw my attention on this wig! I had a blast at the class, and it was a great time to network and see what is out there.
Next, I called Linda. I am ready to go shopping now. There is a mastectomy store called Re-Create at 116 South. Linda came and met me to see what they had. I knew I needed stuff, just not sure what so this store seemed like a good place to start. We were greeted by a lovely young lady named Leslie. I was a little unsure of here knowledge of my needs, because of her age. Those thoughts went quickly out of my mind. She did a great job at setting me at ease. We told her I was new and just not sure where to start. When she found out how fresh my scars were, she told me that put me in "leisure bras", or the camis I was wearing. I still didn't know what I wanted, and I wanted to spend the few bucks I had wisely. I didn't know if I was ready for a bra yet, or if I would ever get into my old bras again. The garments aren't cheap, and I didn't want to spend a lot on something that I might not have to wear for long. I'm getting bored with button up shirts not fitting right without a boob. I don't mind not having the boob, as it was poisoned and had to go. I however did want my clothes to fit right, and feel good of course. I had 1 post mastectomy camisole, with foam forms that I can step into. I knew that felt good, but didn't want to spend $40 bucks on an identical one. I also didn't care for the form it came with. The form is just filled with batting and had a dent in it. She showed us other forms. For $70 dollars, I could buy a foam shaped form, that I could make at home...$70! She also showed us $300 lifelike prosthetics, complete with nipple protrusion. Those were cool, but I didn't have that much $ to spend on something that I wasn't ready to wear yet. Frustrated as I wanted something, but didn't know what. Leslie brought us to her "gently used room". She asked if she could see my scar, so she would have a better idea of what we were after. She was on the right track, as the scar was as fresh as she thought. She said we could try stuff on, but not to wear it until the doctor said it was OK. So we found a black bra and a white bra, after she measured me. I guess I'm almost a D cup to my surprise. We picked out the right size of the $70 foam guy, and one of the $300 lifelike ones. Thank gosh for Linda's sharp eye, because I thought it was as good as it gets. Between her and Leslie, they got me fit...and stuff too! I quit feeling bad about somebody needing this stuff more then I when I saw how full her closet was...and she said most people have insurance to pay for this stuff. So I grabbed another cami to top it all off. Thank you Leslie for all your help at Re-create! I figure I walked out of there with over $500 worth of stuff for nothing. I can wear my new foam form, and not have it show through my cami. I have bras and a good form for when the doctor says it's time. I had a nice shopping trip and and girl time with my friend Linda...thanks for helping me get back to my new normal my friend!
OK, whew! Enough for now. I think I will head for the shower, so I can go neosporin my scar. It is important to me to try to share as much of this journey as possible...for my own therapy and others. I want to express the ups and downs. I want a place where I can be totally honest about whatever is going through my head. I am ready, at least as ready as one can be to wear these shoes!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 Week and a day after mastectomy
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 Week and a day after mastectomy
Thank you all for your kind thoughts! I am doing OK today, and Doc said everything looked good today. If Friday would hurry up and come, so I can get rid of my 2 new friends, AKA drain tubes! They are annoying me. Onto the medical oncologist tomorrow, who will be my best friend for the next 6 months. Chemo first, then radiation. I would feel better if we knew the answer to the age old question...did they get it all? The surgeon got what he was after, and felt that the mastectomy was still the best option. But as to did they get it all? Hoping that the oncologist will feel the need to do a PET scan, which should tell us if it has spread past my lymph nodes. We shal see! Gentle hugs to all!
Thank you all for your kind thoughts! I am doing OK today, and Doc said everything looked good today. If Friday would hurry up and come, so I can get rid of my 2 new friends, AKA drain tubes! They are annoying me. Onto the medical oncologist tomorrow, who will be my best friend for the next 6 months. Chemo first, then radiation. I would feel better if we knew the answer to the age old question...did they get it all? The surgeon got what he was after, and felt that the mastectomy was still the best option. But as to did they get it all? Hoping that the oncologist will feel the need to do a PET scan, which should tell us if it has spread past my lymph nodes. We shal see! Gentle hugs to all!
Thursday, September 17, 2009 Boobless and numb!
Thursday, September 17, 2009 Boobless and numb!
Current mood: adored
Hi all! I am minus a left boob and numb now! Not sure if the numb is my brain or my shoulder...both probably. I am feeling surprisingly well. Just not sure what to do with myself, as there is not a lot of pain. My meds seem to be wiring me out, not making me sleepy. So anyways, just checking in...I am well. They released me much earlier then we thought, as I was doing so well. Please keep my husband in your thoughts so he doesn't throttle me. He says I am a bad patient! Lots of love, no hugs yet please!
Current mood: adored
Hi all! I am minus a left boob and numb now! Not sure if the numb is my brain or my shoulder...both probably. I am feeling surprisingly well. Just not sure what to do with myself, as there is not a lot of pain. My meds seem to be wiring me out, not making me sleepy. So anyways, just checking in...I am well. They released me much earlier then we thought, as I was doing so well. Please keep my husband in your thoughts so he doesn't throttle me. He says I am a bad patient! Lots of love, no hugs yet please!
Thursday, September 17, 2009 2 days after surgery
I am home and alone now. What to do with myself???? Linney is on her way to sit with me for awhile, while my boys are off working. They released me about 10am yesterday, much earlier then expected. Surgery went well. Surgeon confirmed that he was taking lymph node cluster, as he saw 2 suspicios nodes on MRI. He also said that there was a second satelite lump in my left breast. My right breast and nodes are clear. So it is off. Thank you so much who managed to make it past my guard dog Crankcase! Thank you all for your kind thoughts and well wishes. It is a very strange thing. To feel so healthy and know there is (was) something so big and bad growing in me. Kinda feels like I just cut off my boob because someone told me to. I know I didn't, but it still kinda feels that way. Just really strange. Just not sure what to do with myself as it doesn't hurt that bad. More just stiff and swollen. I have some excercises to do that i started today. These will help keep my chest muscles stretched for my lungs, help the get my muscles back and help drain the fliud out. I guess I am supposed to use my arm as normal, but avoiding strain. So I am just not sure what to do with myself...try and take it easy but excercise. I want to do some book work and stuff...no not really, but it needs to be done. Lucky for me that I am not focusing really well I guess! So I guess I will just go sit and relax until PBOL Linney gets here. Then she can laugh at me while I drool on myself...no just kidding. More later...I'll see if I can practice relaxing for longer then 5 minutes now! Lots of love, but no hugs please!
Charmine
DX-8/09- 3-5cm, left breast
estrogen+/ progesteren-
Left Mast, and left node cluster removed 8/15/09
Saturday, September 12, 2009 I am that 1 in 8
Saturday, September 12, 2009 I am that 1 in 8
Current mood: determined
Oh boy, here I went and fell down the rabbit hole! I am that 1 in 8 women. I will leave this short and sweet. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on Aug. 26. Oh shit, but it is what it is. All I can do is stay positive and get through this. I am in for the full meal deal. I am a survivor. I want share share and blog this as I go through it...just not sure if Myspace is the right blog. I have started one elsewhere, so I will spare the nitty gritty on here. Please let me know if you want to follow, and I'll let you know where. I'm sure I'll post more on here, but I wanted to spare it for the moment. Remember girls...get those funky lumps checked!
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Current mood: determined
Oh boy, here I went and fell down the rabbit hole! I am that 1 in 8 women. I will leave this short and sweet. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on Aug. 26. Oh shit, but it is what it is. All I can do is stay positive and get through this. I am in for the full meal deal. I am a survivor. I want share share and blog this as I go through it...just not sure if Myspace is the right blog. I have started one elsewhere, so I will spare the nitty gritty on here. Please let me know if you want to follow, and I'll let you know where. I'm sure I'll post more on here, but I wanted to spare it for the moment. Remember girls...get those funky lumps checked!
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Saturday, September 12, 2009 2 days before mastectomy
Moving to blog from Sept.12, '09
Unfortunately I guess I have joined the ranks. I have been wanting to sit down at the computer and research and write for about a week now. I have finally found some free time, where I felt up to it. I had a mammogram and an ultra sound on Aug. 26. I found a lump in my left breast at about 9 o'clock, (that seemed to appear very suddenly) about a month and a half prior. I finally made a Planned Parenthood appointment, even though I wasn't extremely worried about it. I had been told I had very fibrous breasts years ago. I thought it was more of the same, except I haven't felt one of those in the past 3 years since I've been on the Depovera birth control shot.
They scheduled me for a mammogram and ultrasound the next day. I only asked the doctor what about this lump made her nervous, as I didn't want to worry myself to death when the mammogram was the next day. She said the size and the edges, and I left it at that. Even then I wasn't too worried. The mammogram lady said we'll do your mammogram, and maybe the ultrasound. We may not need one, even though you are scheduled. I think hmm, OK- well here we go my first mammogram...finally. I am 39.5 years old, and do not know my mother's history. I had questioned PP several times before, as I had read you should have one early in my situation. I'm over being mad that they didn't seem to see the need to do one before. So I found my way through the mammogram, and she went to go talk to the doctor. She came back in and switched out the lens on the machine. That was probably my first warning bells. She took some more and went back to the doctor. She came back and said we were headed for the ultrasound- uh, oh...this might not be good!
Sure enough, after the ultrasound the doctor came in. He said he would normally refer me back to my primary care physician, but he must have know I came through PP. He told me it had all the characteristics of cancer. and that it most likely was. He talked to me about where to go from there, that a biopsy was next. He also offered to call a good surgeon for me- he recommended 2 different ones. He explained that whether the lump was cancerous or not, that he believed it needed to come out. He said I could have time to think about it. I didn't know who to call, so I decided to put my trust in Dr. Pickhardt the surgeon. I figured the sooner the better. So I let the mammogram doctor go ahead and hook me up with the surgeon. I left the office with a biopsy scheduled for Aug. 31. My husband came and met me in town so I wasn't alone. I collected myself and made the call to schedule the surgeon's appointment. This appointment was on Sept. 1.
I thought I should double check on the surgeon, just to be smart. I looked up the surgeon's name on the computer, and just confused myself. He isn't a bc specialist that I could see. He also is well known in Bariatrics and trauma, and cancer. I finally gave my dad his name and asked him to check, so I didn't go batty. Dad felt confident in his ability, and didn't think I was going to find any better in Missoula
The biopsy was fine, no big deal. It was more important to me to find out what was going on in there. Still soaking everything in. I met with Dr. Pickhardt the next day. All he had was the prelims on the biopsy...but it was enough to start with. Yes, it is BC. We talked about building a team, and what the next step was. He examined me for himself. He was curious about the size, given my description, and the mammogram because of my breast density. His exam seemed to correlate his suspicions. Mammogram read 3cm, but he now felt it was egg shaped and more like 5 cm.
Now suddenly we weren't talking about lumpectomy anymore. Because of the size, proximaty to nipple, and breast size- he does not believe he can remove this and still leave me a decent looking breast. Yikes, but it makes sense to me. I'd rather take as few of chances as possible anyways. He also felt my nodes, nothing in right, but he found the marbly guy in my left. He wasn't very concerned, and told me he wanted to do a Sentinal node biopsy as well, just to make sure. I have learned so much in the last 3 weeks, from nothing nothing other then I knew someone else along the way. We talked and asked some questions. My husband and I felt comfortable with what he was telling us. We hadn't done a lot of research...but it seemed more important to get it out. I could research for another 4 months and still have this creep growing in my breast! So I left his office with consultation appointments for our team,(medical oncologist, and radiation oncologist) an MR and a tenative surgery date for 2 weeks later.
Whew, OK - now what? It has been a really rotten year, and we had hoped we were done with bad stuff. I guess not yet. Now it is my turn to be 1 in 8. I have 3 half sisters, so hopefully I just fixed their odds and none of us girls have to go through this again! Still feeling like i'm walking in a weird daydream...down the rabbit hole, just like Alice. I talked to the breast care coordinator at St. Pat's. She sounds like an incredible woman...dedicated to helping us ladies through this. She made me feel like she was there for anything for me. She was quite comforting to talk to on the phone, as she is the first female doctor that I'd talked to. She even made me feel better about how/when to go about quitting smoking! She also was able to access my biopsy reports. She said it came back estrogen +/ and progesterin-. No HER2 report yet. She could understand why surgeon thought mastectomy was best, as did the medical and radiation oncologists.
I had my MR yesterday...that was annoying, plus it was one of the rare moments that I really had alone to think on stuff. I was starting to get a bit twitchy...this is becoming reality very fast now...as I knew it would. I had an appointment with surgeon half an hour later. I was a bit dissappointed, as I was thinking that he would have MR results by then, which he did not. He asked me about my other consultations, and talked about what he still felt, as far as mastectomy. He felt my lump again, which now seems more pronounced and harder. He said it very well could be inflamed from biopsy, as the same with my lymph node still. He decided to go with the auxillary node dissection. He is still not too concerned, but he feels that it is 50% chance spread, and 50% chance reactive to the biopsy stress. This part disappoints me. I thought I was in the clear as far as worrying about Lymphedema. Darn it...this was the one part that I thought was good.
I walked out with my husband in a daze. I left with a modified radical left breast mastectomy scheduled for 2 1/2 days from now. We went ahead and did my blood work, chest x-ray and pre- op appointment before we left. I didn't want to have any more appointments until check in time on Tuesday. We went and got chinese food, as we'd been there since 9. I was getting crabby and past starving by this point...I was trying to be nice! Normally I don't have that problem, but I was on the roller coaster. Shirts...oh, yea shirts...might be a good thing to think about. Great, what else now? I have no insurance, and this is going to get expensive, not even thinking about the little extras that will make this a little easier on me. I'm doing what the hospital is telling me about finances, and waiting patiently for my CPA to sent my taxes. No worry, no stress. Just keep nesting and and doing what is only within my reach. Wally World was the last place we wanted to go yesterday afternoon, Friday aftrenoon in Missoula, yuck! Off my mostly patient hubby and I went. I had to stock up you know. We live 20 miles out of town, so it had to be done. I know I'm not going grocery shopping this week. Gotta get my lawn mowed, and watered, catch up my book keeping for our business....gotta do a bit of scrubbing and cleaning so my house isn't filthy while I'm down for a few days. It has been a bit neglected lately, in the whirlwind of things.
So that's that. It is what it is. Yes, it sucks...and yeah, I'm trying not to be scared. For whatever reason, I have to take this walk. Nothing I can do about it but go forward the best I can. Stay positive and laugh at myself. I want to walk away from this knowing I did the best to my ability. I want to learn, so I can help the next gal in my shoes...whatever I can pay forward. I was back in x-ray office yeserday waiting. I heard the nurse call a lady back, who tried to bring her husband back. He couldn't go as it is a women's only clinic. I then heard the nurse say something about the mamogram first, and then they would see about the ultrasound. I also heard her say it was her first mammogram. It was all I could do to not rush over and offer to go in with her. She sounded just like me almost 3 weeks ago. If only I could make it better for her! I refrained, realizing the last person she wanted to meet that day was a girl who's mammogram didn't go well, and was scheduled to have her boob removed in 4 days.
So that's all I got for now. I will go talk to my hairdresser as soon as I can, and ask her to look for a suitable short haircut for me. We will be doing chemo. I have waist length hair that I've had for years. I'd rather take it off while it's still healthy. Kids are cruel, and somebody needs that hair out there way more then I do. It will be easier to take care of while my new chest heals. If I start losing it, I'll shave it and be done with it. In the big scheme of things- my breast and my hair are minor compared to my health. I am a survivor...and I have a lot more miles to put on my harley, and many more years to add to my 2 1/5 year marriage to my soul mate! Cross your fingers and toes for me ladies, as I will do the same for you!
Charmine
DX-8/09- 3-5cm, left breast
estrogen+/ progesteren-
Tuesday, July 22, 2008 Memories
Current mood: blissful
Memories
Of things we hold very near and dear.
Memories
Of things long gone, but never forgotten.
Safe in a room, behind a closed door.
Memories
The door is always open, come sit for a moment
Remember and smile, and gently close the door behind.
Mermories
To always treasure till next time we meet.
June '08
Charmine McKinley
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, April 17, 2008 Milestones
Thursday, April 17, 2008 Milestones
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Yea, I'm so excited! I've been working really hard over the past year to teach myself how to do our business' books, and learning how to manage the financial end. I never thought I would find myself having to manage a business, so I never paid attention in school to all the stuff teachers used to try and instill in me. Numbers are not my forte, except to tell you how much you owe me for that beer and a shot...and what I deserved for a tip :) When I married my husband in Dec. '07, I took over the book keeping. We bought a newer accounting system (Quickbooks Premeir Account's Edition 2007), and I have been steadily plugging away teaching myself how to input all the information that goes along with a business. I have had a bit of frustrations, and a big ass learning curve in trying to get our system in order. At the same time, I answer the phone, invoice, attempt to give price quotes, learn insurance requirements, sub-contract documents, run errands...and go out in the field and pack concrete for Bandido LA. It can get a bit hectic around here at the Dirty Corner Compund.
Our business, has made some major growth in the past year. My husband has found renewed pleasure with his business, and it shows in everything that we do- even though I might forget to tell him so at times. He is the hardest working man I know, and a very fair contractor. He will always give our clients 101% when he is on the job, plus they get the quality and experience earned from starting this company 17 years ago. I am so very proud of all that he does, and so very glad that he has been here to guide me through learning some new skills.
Sometimes we have to stop and take a moment to pat ourselves on the back. Today I got my accounting system checkbook to match my physical checkbook. It took a few minutes to sink in when I saw those numbers match...because I did it right, not because I "forced" them. Whee-ha, our new system is finally almost in order! I have a bit more tweaking to do still, but this is bigger stuff then I realised...and I had to take a second to pat myself on the back. That, and to thank my wonderful, patient? husband for not throttling me when I know I have been difficult AND for finding me my new CPA to help lighten my load.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Yea, I'm so excited! I've been working really hard over the past year to teach myself how to do our business' books, and learning how to manage the financial end. I never thought I would find myself having to manage a business, so I never paid attention in school to all the stuff teachers used to try and instill in me. Numbers are not my forte, except to tell you how much you owe me for that beer and a shot...and what I deserved for a tip :) When I married my husband in Dec. '07, I took over the book keeping. We bought a newer accounting system (Quickbooks Premeir Account's Edition 2007), and I have been steadily plugging away teaching myself how to input all the information that goes along with a business. I have had a bit of frustrations, and a big ass learning curve in trying to get our system in order. At the same time, I answer the phone, invoice, attempt to give price quotes, learn insurance requirements, sub-contract documents, run errands...and go out in the field and pack concrete for Bandido LA. It can get a bit hectic around here at the Dirty Corner Compund.
Our business, has made some major growth in the past year. My husband has found renewed pleasure with his business, and it shows in everything that we do- even though I might forget to tell him so at times. He is the hardest working man I know, and a very fair contractor. He will always give our clients 101% when he is on the job, plus they get the quality and experience earned from starting this company 17 years ago. I am so very proud of all that he does, and so very glad that he has been here to guide me through learning some new skills.
Sometimes we have to stop and take a moment to pat ourselves on the back. Today I got my accounting system checkbook to match my physical checkbook. It took a few minutes to sink in when I saw those numbers match...because I did it right, not because I "forced" them. Whee-ha, our new system is finally almost in order! I have a bit more tweaking to do still, but this is bigger stuff then I realised...and I had to take a second to pat myself on the back. That, and to thank my wonderful, patient? husband for not throttling me when I know I have been difficult AND for finding me my new CPA to help lighten my load.
Saturday, March 15, 2008 Rest in peace Grandpa
Current mood: sad
Oh my dear Grandpa...I wish I could have been there to say goodbye. I am so very thankful that I got to see you in January...way too many years had passed. That has weighed so heavy on my mind for the last few years, the fear that something would happen before I got to see you again. I was so relieved and joyous to visit with you and Grandma. You got to meet my husband, who thought you were the neatest man. You took me to the graveyard to see my baby brother. I had never been able to go see him before, and it tore my heart that it seemed that you were the only one who knew where the grave was. You made my heart feel lighter when you told me you had plots next to Charlie’s...so he wouldn’t be alone anymore.
You were such a special man to me, even though at times it may not have seemed so. I was so proud to come see you again, and show you who I’ve have grown up to be. I beat the odds Grandpa, where not so many could. I am so blessed to come from such a strong family, we’ve survived great tragedy and Dad and I are OK.
You had 93 great years. I am OK with the fact that you were tired of fighting, and tired of being in pain. Your shared so many wonderful things with us while you were here. I worry about Grandma, but I think she is OK with this too. When it is time, you will be together again. Dad will be all right, as hard as this is. He has some peace knowing you will be next to Charlie, and knowing that you brought me to see him. It was probably still too hard for him to bring me to see his baby boy, even after 33 years. Thank you so much for doing that for us Grandpa, it meant the world to me.
It’s time to say goodbye now. I guess I did that in January, but just didn’t know it. I thought for sure you could live to be 100, as you looked so well still. I love you Grandpa, and tell Charlie all about me...and please go find my cat, Stroker, he passed away the night before I got home from Texas....I didn’t abandon him at the vet when we left. We had to go, and I knew Crankcase would take good care of him for me.
Goodbye for now, your loving granddaughter Charmine
Friday, November 16, 2007 Friends for a lifetime?
Friday, November 16, 2007 Friends for a lifetime?
More excerpts from a response to a dear friend. This person was wondering about friendships, and why one gets so excited to find old friends....and why they don't respond back.
I'm glad to see you are writing. It helps me out, even if the person I was thinking about doesn't even read it. I wish I had a better answer for you, other then people are just people, and lots of people are pretty self-involved and self-centered. Sometimes it helps shake it off, if you can stand back and take a look at yourself. If you can honestly say that you aren't like that (or maybe I am, and I should work on that), then sometimes it helps to be greatful for who you are and chalk it up to, "I'm better then that, and this person isn't worth my time troubling myself". Sometimes it's just the road of life. There is a cool email that I run into everyonce in awhile about friends. I wish I had it saved, but I don't. It's the one about different kinds of friends, some for a day, some for a week, some for a lifetime. Some are there, just because, some are there because we need them to help us through a particuliar time in life....and some are forever. I still get really happy about running into old friends, and seeing what they have grown into, but then sometimes the moment passes sometimes. Either by my doing, or by their's. That's alot of what I felt when I moved back to Spokane. I also realise though, that they change, I change...and we still have to keep walking our own path of life. That doesn't make them, or any less of a friend....we are just different now. There is probably only a very small handful of people that we went to school with, that can actually relate to my life now. They might think...she's a bad person, she's married to a member of an "outlaw motorcycle gang", they might think I'm cool because I run with the "bad boys", or wow, she's a really neat person. They might think, she hasn't made a success out of herself(to THEIR standards), or they just might not give a shit....but how many people actually take the time to find out who I grew up to be, and what I believe in? Oh well, not worth using my valuable time to worry about their "personality defects" I hope this helps ease your mind a little bit. I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking or worrying about friends. I've got some dear friends that I rarely ever get to talk to anymore, (you being one), but everytime we get together, it's like time has stood still. Those are my favorite kind of friends! Hang in there my friend, you are doing what you need to do for yourself. Just remember, "To thyne own self be true"
More excerpts from a response to a dear friend. This person was wondering about friendships, and why one gets so excited to find old friends....and why they don't respond back.
I'm glad to see you are writing. It helps me out, even if the person I was thinking about doesn't even read it. I wish I had a better answer for you, other then people are just people, and lots of people are pretty self-involved and self-centered. Sometimes it helps shake it off, if you can stand back and take a look at yourself. If you can honestly say that you aren't like that (or maybe I am, and I should work on that), then sometimes it helps to be greatful for who you are and chalk it up to, "I'm better then that, and this person isn't worth my time troubling myself". Sometimes it's just the road of life. There is a cool email that I run into everyonce in awhile about friends. I wish I had it saved, but I don't. It's the one about different kinds of friends, some for a day, some for a week, some for a lifetime. Some are there, just because, some are there because we need them to help us through a particuliar time in life....and some are forever. I still get really happy about running into old friends, and seeing what they have grown into, but then sometimes the moment passes sometimes. Either by my doing, or by their's. That's alot of what I felt when I moved back to Spokane. I also realise though, that they change, I change...and we still have to keep walking our own path of life. That doesn't make them, or any less of a friend....we are just different now. There is probably only a very small handful of people that we went to school with, that can actually relate to my life now. They might think...she's a bad person, she's married to a member of an "outlaw motorcycle gang", they might think I'm cool because I run with the "bad boys", or wow, she's a really neat person. They might think, she hasn't made a success out of herself(to THEIR standards), or they just might not give a shit....but how many people actually take the time to find out who I grew up to be, and what I believe in? Oh well, not worth using my valuable time to worry about their "personality defects" I hope this helps ease your mind a little bit. I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking or worrying about friends. I've got some dear friends that I rarely ever get to talk to anymore, (you being one), but everytime we get together, it's like time has stood still. Those are my favorite kind of friends! Hang in there my friend, you are doing what you need to do for yourself. Just remember, "To thyne own self be true"
Wednesday, November 07, 2007 My thoughts today on concrete cutting
Current mood: contemplative
This is bits and pieces from a message I sent to a person on myspace, that is in the concrete cutting business. I ended up writing so long, I figured I better turn it into a blog. I am hoping that someone has something to say to help ease my mind. This business makes for a long night, when it's hard to keep the wheels from spinning at night.
It takes most of our time right now, running our own business. I almost feel bad posting work stuff on his myspace, because that's where he goes to brainlessly surf. As much as I hate what he does some days, I am also extremely proud of his work. He started Topcut Concrete Cutting & Destruction, when he was about 23 years old. He is VERY good at what he does. When he started, there MAY have been only one other cutter locally. If I remember correctly, I believe the man was retiring and selling his business. LA has done nothing but grow since. Today, there are 2 other cutters in town. One does more pouring then cutting I think, and the other is a corporation that moved in. We have many loyal customers, that have stuck with us through thick and thin. Hats off to them, and thank you for your continued loyalty...you know who you are! My husband is as close to Superman as I know, but I have to remind him that he's not, less he really hurts himself! He can out work 3 18 year olds, I've seen him do it. He's got the eye, touch and pride in his work like none I've seen before.
I have learned a ton of new stuff, since we got married almost a year ago. I am still always looking to pick his brain, or someone else's, regarding the business. I drive him nuts, being the bean counter and all! How can we improve, and what is the next step for Topcut? Do we remain in the business, and continue trying to find the right person to learn to cut, so LA can do the management things that he wants to do? It is a very hard and nasty job most of the time. Most people either don't have the stamina, desire, or work ethic required to get the job done. Do we work on growing out of cutting, and into dirtwork, or a transporting company? So many choices, and so much life to live ahead. All I know is eventually, his body will not let him cut anymore. Living life like there is no tomorrow, yet still be able to gracefully move into the next phase is not always as simple as it sounds.
I asked the man I was writing to if he was married, or had a SO when he was working in the field. If so, did she ever see him work? Did she worry about him alot? I was just wondering if he could tell me something different then LA can, to set my mind at ease. When I go work with him, I have a really hard time watching him cut. I want him with me a long time, and it is really hard to watch sometimes. I feel like I'm going to get sick, or break out in tears. I know he knows exactly what he is doing with that saw. I know he knows exactly where his fingers, toes, arms etc are...but shit still happens. I have to fight myself, when I'm holding hoses, to keep watching what he is doing. I get stuck between fear and amazement, when I watch him train somebody new. It never ceases to amaze me the difference between years of experience, and green...just watching how he uses his body. I've taken a crack at it, just so I can see what it's like. If I had never tried it, I might not be so fearful because I might not have as good of an idea of the power. I have a healthy respect for it, but I'd never be any good. I just don't have the strength it takes to control that thing, plus...I'm obviously afraid of the saw. When I work with him, I am much better of doing the other grunt work, instead of holding hoses. My mind is occupied, and I don't have to watch him, if someone else is there. I can grind a pretty curb though, and Betsy the skidsteer is my baby for packing concrete out! Poor thing, she had a couple major issues this summer, and nobody better fuck her up :)
OK, I'm not packing concrete today, we have a new guy on the job...wish us well. I better get back to counting beans for now!
This is bits and pieces from a message I sent to a person on myspace, that is in the concrete cutting business. I ended up writing so long, I figured I better turn it into a blog. I am hoping that someone has something to say to help ease my mind. This business makes for a long night, when it's hard to keep the wheels from spinning at night.
It takes most of our time right now, running our own business. I almost feel bad posting work stuff on his myspace, because that's where he goes to brainlessly surf. As much as I hate what he does some days, I am also extremely proud of his work. He started Topcut Concrete Cutting & Destruction, when he was about 23 years old. He is VERY good at what he does. When he started, there MAY have been only one other cutter locally. If I remember correctly, I believe the man was retiring and selling his business. LA has done nothing but grow since. Today, there are 2 other cutters in town. One does more pouring then cutting I think, and the other is a corporation that moved in. We have many loyal customers, that have stuck with us through thick and thin. Hats off to them, and thank you for your continued loyalty...you know who you are! My husband is as close to Superman as I know, but I have to remind him that he's not, less he really hurts himself! He can out work 3 18 year olds, I've seen him do it. He's got the eye, touch and pride in his work like none I've seen before.
I have learned a ton of new stuff, since we got married almost a year ago. I am still always looking to pick his brain, or someone else's, regarding the business. I drive him nuts, being the bean counter and all! How can we improve, and what is the next step for Topcut? Do we remain in the business, and continue trying to find the right person to learn to cut, so LA can do the management things that he wants to do? It is a very hard and nasty job most of the time. Most people either don't have the stamina, desire, or work ethic required to get the job done. Do we work on growing out of cutting, and into dirtwork, or a transporting company? So many choices, and so much life to live ahead. All I know is eventually, his body will not let him cut anymore. Living life like there is no tomorrow, yet still be able to gracefully move into the next phase is not always as simple as it sounds.
I asked the man I was writing to if he was married, or had a SO when he was working in the field. If so, did she ever see him work? Did she worry about him alot? I was just wondering if he could tell me something different then LA can, to set my mind at ease. When I go work with him, I have a really hard time watching him cut. I want him with me a long time, and it is really hard to watch sometimes. I feel like I'm going to get sick, or break out in tears. I know he knows exactly what he is doing with that saw. I know he knows exactly where his fingers, toes, arms etc are...but shit still happens. I have to fight myself, when I'm holding hoses, to keep watching what he is doing. I get stuck between fear and amazement, when I watch him train somebody new. It never ceases to amaze me the difference between years of experience, and green...just watching how he uses his body. I've taken a crack at it, just so I can see what it's like. If I had never tried it, I might not be so fearful because I might not have as good of an idea of the power. I have a healthy respect for it, but I'd never be any good. I just don't have the strength it takes to control that thing, plus...I'm obviously afraid of the saw. When I work with him, I am much better of doing the other grunt work, instead of holding hoses. My mind is occupied, and I don't have to watch him, if someone else is there. I can grind a pretty curb though, and Betsy the skidsteer is my baby for packing concrete out! Poor thing, she had a couple major issues this summer, and nobody better fuck her up :)
OK, I'm not packing concrete today, we have a new guy on the job...wish us well. I better get back to counting beans for now!
Thursday, October 25, 2007 3am, and the voices in my head
Thursday, October 25, 2007 3am, and the voices in my head
OK, enough is enough! I'm up, I'm outta bed. The little green men in my head won't let me go back to sleep. It's a doosey this morning. The one thing I miss about bartending, is there was always someone to talk to at this hour. Not that I really want to talk about the green men in my head! I'd rather go curl up in bed next to my wonderful husband and go back to sleep. I don't want to think about Halloween parties, costumes, book work, payday....shoot, tax date with the ex-wife tonight. I should be more excited that the weather was beautiful yesterday, and I believe it is supposed to remain so. The Violet One is out front, and 10 miles on her, is better then no miles on her, at this time of year. I have a fat cat in my lap, and draped over my left arm as I type, that loves me regardless of how whacky I am. I have a warm husband in bed, that I don't want to wake up, less the voices in his head fire up as well. I hate stress, and I work hard to keep my stress level to a minimium. I know the things that stress me out, so I always try to take care off business BEFORE it gets to that point. I'm not complaining mind you. This too shall pass. As long as it is onward, and forward...I must be doing something right. OK, I'm off! This is helping, but not enough. Time for brainless surfing, or stuffing my spider legs. Freaking cat...he is heavy and is going to put my arm asleep if he don't move!
OK, enough is enough! I'm up, I'm outta bed. The little green men in my head won't let me go back to sleep. It's a doosey this morning. The one thing I miss about bartending, is there was always someone to talk to at this hour. Not that I really want to talk about the green men in my head! I'd rather go curl up in bed next to my wonderful husband and go back to sleep. I don't want to think about Halloween parties, costumes, book work, payday....shoot, tax date with the ex-wife tonight. I should be more excited that the weather was beautiful yesterday, and I believe it is supposed to remain so. The Violet One is out front, and 10 miles on her, is better then no miles on her, at this time of year. I have a fat cat in my lap, and draped over my left arm as I type, that loves me regardless of how whacky I am. I have a warm husband in bed, that I don't want to wake up, less the voices in his head fire up as well. I hate stress, and I work hard to keep my stress level to a minimium. I know the things that stress me out, so I always try to take care off business BEFORE it gets to that point. I'm not complaining mind you. This too shall pass. As long as it is onward, and forward...I must be doing something right. OK, I'm off! This is helping, but not enough. Time for brainless surfing, or stuffing my spider legs. Freaking cat...he is heavy and is going to put my arm asleep if he don't move!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007 Passing of an American Icon- RIP Mouldy Marvin
Tuesday, July 03, 2007 Passing of an American Icon- RIP Mouldy Marvin
Current mood: contemplative
Marvin, you were a great man. You taught me many things about the world I live in, even though the colors have changed. Love sees no colors. The last time I saw you, you were a stepping stone in helping me realise that it was OK. No matter what color I choose to wear on my shirt, back or bike....it is alright. It's the person behind the patch that matters. I knew that all ready...but to step out, and step up to to what you believe in- isn't always such an easy task. But you lived the life that you loved, and showed so many others how to do the same. We all have to stand together against the man...or he will take it all from us. Thank you for being more then just a legend to me...thank you for always being real with me. Thank you for my name, and the self-confidence you gave me to wear it proud, with my head high. You will never be forgotten! You are truely AFFA! RIP My friend......Charmin' Charmine
Current mood: contemplative
Marvin, you were a great man. You taught me many things about the world I live in, even though the colors have changed. Love sees no colors. The last time I saw you, you were a stepping stone in helping me realise that it was OK. No matter what color I choose to wear on my shirt, back or bike....it is alright. It's the person behind the patch that matters. I knew that all ready...but to step out, and step up to to what you believe in- isn't always such an easy task. But you lived the life that you loved, and showed so many others how to do the same. We all have to stand together against the man...or he will take it all from us. Thank you for being more then just a legend to me...thank you for always being real with me. Thank you for my name, and the self-confidence you gave me to wear it proud, with my head high. You will never be forgotten! You are truely AFFA! RIP My friend......Charmin' Charmine
Thursday, May 03, 2007 Musings with a view of the cow pasture
Thursday, May 03, 2007 Musings with a view of the cow pasture
Current mood: calm
Just sitting here musing, still in awe and wonder about life. The roads we choose to travel, and the feelings that come to us when you least expect it. I am so at peace, and feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. It's not always easy, or what I expected...but it is still wondrous. I have a man that I have made a commitment to- to walk by my side for a lifetime. Just when I least expect it, he does the most thoughtful, unexpected thing. Then 24 hours later...I want to throttle him. Because he's not seeing it MY way ya know :) Somehow, he always helps me be a better person...whether I like it or not. I love it when he does or says just the tiniest thing-that lets me know I do the same for him. Who ever thought I could be so content at my computer...looking out my window at the cows in the neighbor's pasture. The snow came down low in the hills today (what happened to the 80 degrees of Tues?), and the storm clouds are still hovering. But the sun is peaking through, and shining down on the early May carpet of green and gold dandelions. The weather is not the most desireable, but it's all good. Because I know in a couple of days it will be 80 again, and I'll be riding The Violet One down the highway. With a smile on my face, and my heart full of love for the one who brought me to this amazing place.
Current mood: calm
Just sitting here musing, still in awe and wonder about life. The roads we choose to travel, and the feelings that come to us when you least expect it. I am so at peace, and feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. It's not always easy, or what I expected...but it is still wondrous. I have a man that I have made a commitment to- to walk by my side for a lifetime. Just when I least expect it, he does the most thoughtful, unexpected thing. Then 24 hours later...I want to throttle him. Because he's not seeing it MY way ya know :) Somehow, he always helps me be a better person...whether I like it or not. I love it when he does or says just the tiniest thing-that lets me know I do the same for him. Who ever thought I could be so content at my computer...looking out my window at the cows in the neighbor's pasture. The snow came down low in the hills today (what happened to the 80 degrees of Tues?), and the storm clouds are still hovering. But the sun is peaking through, and shining down on the early May carpet of green and gold dandelions. The weather is not the most desireable, but it's all good. Because I know in a couple of days it will be 80 again, and I'll be riding The Violet One down the highway. With a smile on my face, and my heart full of love for the one who brought me to this amazing place.
Monday, January 29, 2007 My first January ride in MT
Monday, January 29, 2007 My first January ride in MT
Current mood: amused
I tried to go for a ride on Tues....I made it as far down the driveway as the big frozen mud ruts. Over we went as I was trying to figure out how to navigate my way through. Then of course I was stuck with no supervision...and The Violet One down on her side on the ice. Tex came out and helped me pick her up, and there she sat till hubby came home. I shouldn't have tried to make my maiden voyage across the ice alone...but I was a chicken shit sissy-lala. Gotta buck up and face my fears, so I tried anyways...guess I need ice-steering lessons! How pissed off was I when I got in the truck and the roads were good? If I could just make it the few 100 feet to the highway!
Anyway...hubby got a good laugh at my attempt to go for a ride. The next day, he went and pulled her out for me. As far as I'm concerned...if I can't get to the road, I can't ride. He only brought her part way to me...I still had to take her through all the rest of the mud bog to get to the road. I'm a bit of a chicken-shit in my old age...so lack of riding around my new home, and mud and gravel, made me a bit skittish. We put about 60 miles on our bikes that day, down into Missoula and back. I was a bit frustrated with my skittishness, but I got through it. Damn, I needed that wind! He made me navigate through the muck more then once with me calling him a jack-ass...but I survived and was glad he made me. If I want to ride before it's hot enough for all the mud to dry...I better get used to it!
Current mood: amused
I tried to go for a ride on Tues....I made it as far down the driveway as the big frozen mud ruts. Over we went as I was trying to figure out how to navigate my way through. Then of course I was stuck with no supervision...and The Violet One down on her side on the ice. Tex came out and helped me pick her up, and there she sat till hubby came home. I shouldn't have tried to make my maiden voyage across the ice alone...but I was a chicken shit sissy-lala. Gotta buck up and face my fears, so I tried anyways...guess I need ice-steering lessons! How pissed off was I when I got in the truck and the roads were good? If I could just make it the few 100 feet to the highway!
Anyway...hubby got a good laugh at my attempt to go for a ride. The next day, he went and pulled her out for me. As far as I'm concerned...if I can't get to the road, I can't ride. He only brought her part way to me...I still had to take her through all the rest of the mud bog to get to the road. I'm a bit of a chicken-shit in my old age...so lack of riding around my new home, and mud and gravel, made me a bit skittish. We put about 60 miles on our bikes that day, down into Missoula and back. I was a bit frustrated with my skittishness, but I got through it. Damn, I needed that wind! He made me navigate through the muck more then once with me calling him a jack-ass...but I survived and was glad he made me. If I want to ride before it's hot enough for all the mud to dry...I better get used to it!
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